"We Sell Mexican Jumping Beans - Useful Information"

201109132303The gift shop at the Burbank airport sells Mexican jumping beans. I always buy a couple of packs when they are available. My kids and I had a fun jumping bean race after dinner tonight (my bean kicked ass). Afterwards, I loaded up the URL on the label on the little plastic box and marveled at the all-caps information page about jumping beans. It's worth reading in its entirety, but here are a few highlights:

"THE MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN IS UNDOUBTEDLY AMONG ONE OF OUR CREATOR’S BEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS. IT UNDOUBTEDLY GIVES MORE PLEASURE AND INTRIGUE FOR THE MONEY THAN ANY OTHER CREATION."

"WE FEEL THAT THE X-RAYS ARE HARMFUL TO ANY LIVING VICTIMS AND IT WILL SHORTEN THEIR LIFE EXPECTANCY. CARRY THEM IN YOUR POCKET AND SHOW THEM TO THE INSPECTORS."

"REGRETTABLY, THEY ARE DOOMED WHEN THEY LEAVE THEIR NATURAL HABITAT IN MEXICO. THERE ARE NO HOST PLANTS THAT WILL PERMIT THEM TO CONTINUE THEIR LIFE CYCLE AND THE ENVIRONMENT WILL KILL THEM FROM HEAT, DEHYDRATION, FREEZING. THE MOTH SHOULD BE PERMITTED TO FLY FREE IF THEY EMERGE FROM THE BEAN. A SCENIC TRIP AS IT WERE."

"IN THE LAST 10 YEARS, I HAVE ONLY HEARD OF TWO INSTANCES OF CHILDREN SWALLOWING A MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN. ONE LADY CALLED BACK TO LET ME KNOW THAT THEY FOUND THE MISSING BEAN. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT THE STRONG ACID CONTENT OF THE STOMACH WILL KILL THE GERMS AND LARVA IN SHORT ORDER."

Instructions for playing the Mexican Jumping Bean Game include the following legal advice: "If you wager, make it small amounts. The Government doesn't like gambling unless they get a piece of the action."

I would like to ask the person who wrote this to be a guest blogger on Boing Boing for a couple of weeks.

We Sell Mexican Jumping Beans - Useful Information

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      1. That’s brilliant.  We operate super-complex and highly bureaucratic “security” measures when on client projects.  There are a dozen silly ways to run afoul of them, and a much-put-upon project team member has to go around once a week and chastise the whole team.  I am going to quietly introduce “left workstation unattended with CAPS LOCK off…” with the corrective action of “Please ensure that CAPS are properly LOCKED before you leave your workstation”.

        1. Oh gods no. I can already imagine the work instruction :
          “Before leaving your station ensure the light indicating that your caps are securely locked is lit. This can be found on your keyboard labelled with an A”

  1. “If you wager, make it small amounts. The Government doesn’t like gambling unless they get a piece of the action.”

    Classic!!

    1. How can you say that, carpel? The Mexican jumping bean obviously comes to use straight from his noodly appendage! What could be clearer?

    2. I think your information might be inaccurate or outdated.  AFAIK there are Mexican jumping beans in both heaven and hell, but in hell the larvae are dead.  *adjusts pirate hat*

  2. Ha! Making that person a guest blogger is the best idea ever. Can we have the Bronner’s Soap guy at some point too?

  3. Jumping beans are a fond memory of my childhood.  We’d always buy them at S.S. Kresge along with those cute plastic rain bonnets that were sold in those tiny plastic purses…

  4. Karl Pilkington was obsessed with Mexican Jumping Beans when he went to Mexico on Ricky Gervais’ show An Idiot Abroad.

  5. Cool story time: One of the funniest moments I can remember was taking a road trip to Florida. My GF and I stopped at a gas station that had all sorts of crap for sale including jumping beans. A family with two kids walk in and are looking around when the son YELLS across the store to the daughter, “Remember that time I got a Mexican jumping bean stuck in my nose!”

  6. On the information page there is some odd info about the number of beans they sold:

    “JULY 2003 TO JULY 2004 ABOUT 1,700,000 BEANS
    JULY 2004 THERE WERE NO BEANS
    JULY 2005 TO JULY 2006 ABOUT 2,000,000 BEANS
    JULY 2006 TO JULY 2007 ABOUT 2,000,000 BEANS
    JULY 2007 TO DEC 2007 ABOUT 1,800,000 BEANS
    JULY 2008 TO APRIL 2009 ABOUT 1,800,000 BEANS
    JULY 2009 TO OCTOBER 2009 ABOUT 2,000,000 BEANS
    AUGUST 2010 TO NOVEMBER 2010 ABOUT 1,000,000 BEANS”

    Why were there NO BEANS between July of 2004 and July of 2005??? It seems like an odd admission with no explanation. Like a car dealership saying, “We’ve been in business for 20 years, all great! Except for 2005, when we didn’t sell a single car.”

    1. They don’t actually say there were no beans July 2004 to July 2005, they merely say there were no beans in July 2004. We can assume that there were beans from August 2004 to July 2005, but that the bean-counters lost the records, or weren’t anticipating having to keep records since in July 2004, there were no beans. 

      October 2009 to August 2010 is a mystery too. Maybe there were beans, maybe there were no beans.

  7. I remember my brother putting a case in his desk drawer when we were little and opening it months later and a moth was in there!  We set it free on it’s “scenic trip, as it were”.

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