"We Sell Mexican Jumping Beans - Useful Information"

201109132303The gift shop at the Burbank airport sells Mexican jumping beans. I always buy a couple of packs when they are available. My kids and I had a fun jumping bean race after dinner tonight (my bean kicked ass). Afterwards, I loaded up the URL on the label on the little plastic box and marveled at the all-caps information page about jumping beans. It's worth reading in its entirety, but here are a few highlights:

"THE MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN IS UNDOUBTEDLY AMONG ONE OF OUR CREATOR’S BEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS. IT UNDOUBTEDLY GIVES MORE PLEASURE AND INTRIGUE FOR THE MONEY THAN ANY OTHER CREATION."

"WE FEEL THAT THE X-RAYS ARE HARMFUL TO ANY LIVING VICTIMS AND IT WILL SHORTEN THEIR LIFE EXPECTANCY. CARRY THEM IN YOUR POCKET AND SHOW THEM TO THE INSPECTORS."

"REGRETTABLY, THEY ARE DOOMED WHEN THEY LEAVE THEIR NATURAL HABITAT IN MEXICO. THERE ARE NO HOST PLANTS THAT WILL PERMIT THEM TO CONTINUE THEIR LIFE CYCLE AND THE ENVIRONMENT WILL KILL THEM FROM HEAT, DEHYDRATION, FREEZING. THE MOTH SHOULD BE PERMITTED TO FLY FREE IF THEY EMERGE FROM THE BEAN. A SCENIC TRIP AS IT WERE."

"IN THE LAST 10 YEARS, I HAVE ONLY HEARD OF TWO INSTANCES OF CHILDREN SWALLOWING A MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN. ONE LADY CALLED BACK TO LET ME KNOW THAT THEY FOUND THE MISSING BEAN. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT THE STRONG ACID CONTENT OF THE STOMACH WILL KILL THE GERMS AND LARVA IN SHORT ORDER."

Instructions for playing the Mexican Jumping Bean Game include the following legal advice: "If you wager, make it small amounts. The Government doesn't like gambling unless they get a piece of the action."

I would like to ask the person who wrote this to be a guest blogger on Boing Boing for a couple of weeks.

We Sell Mexican Jumping Beans - Useful Information