Skittles' bestiality ad

Via JWZ, who quotes John Nolte's amusing outrage:

"Pay special attention to the thoroughly disgusting sound effects. You can laugh and say it's just a joke, but through a war of inches, Hollywood continues its assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.

If you don't think there's an agenda behind this, you haven't been paying attention the last 40 years. And if you don't think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don't understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of."

I have to wonder, I really do, at someone who watches this and thinks to himself, "This will make people want to fuck walruses."


  1. The real question is do culture-war keyboard korpsmen like Nolte really believe any of the shit they write, or do they just hope to agitate ‘low information voter’ types with manufactured outrage.

    Because yeah, Hollywood’s liberal agenda is totally on the walrus-fucking track.

    1. It’s all about finding a balance: the left side of the page — “But I am at least old enough to remember when our culture wanted to protect a woman’s dignity, not degrade women under the guise of ‘liberation’ and ‘equality’ — and the right side of the page — “Breitbart Video Picks: Wayne Gretzky’s Daughter Strips Down”.

      1. Are you familiar with the concept of a ‘galvanic anode'(or ‘sacrificial anode’)?*

        My impression has been that the traditionalists’ notion of “protecting a woman’s dignity” works along very similar lines. Since male sexual interests are An Immutable Natural Law, m’kay(and even if they weren’t, they are far too much fun to sacrifice; also Evolutionary Psychology!!!1!); but we don’t want our women being all slutty and gross, we assert (and in some cases uphold with good, old-fashioned violence) high standards of female modesty and chastity; but also permit a ‘sacrificial anode’ population of sluts, whores, easy lays, strippers, porn stars, and whatnot to provide an outlet for the wholesome exuberance of boys being boys and men whose wives are totally being frigid bitches for no reason after a hard day of housework and raising a crop of children.

        It’s a breathtakingly cynical approach; but it seems to square uncomfortably well with the observed data.

        *For anybody who isn’t:

        Oh, also, postwar Japan had a practically textbook implementation of this theory in an attempt to confine miscegenation with the Americans to limited sectors. Embracing Defeat has a much more detailed section; but the NYT has a brief article:

        1. He’s actually a demon in human form, made that way through possession.

          His name is Diabeetus.

          When Wilford says he has Diabeetus, it’s a cry for help. Sadly, no one has paid much attention. Someone, please call a priest.

          1. I guess that makes sense, because if he had diabetes then he sure shouldn’t be eating Skittles.

  2. If that walrus isn’t Bobby, it must be Paul. After all, “The Walrus was Paul.”

    And Skittles come in flavors? They all taste like just one flavor to me. No lemon, no fruit punch, just one flavor: way too sweet.

    Very clever ad, BTW. 

    1. They’re not flavours, they are just colours.  That’s what makes this even weirder.  Any difference in flavour between the colours exists entirely in peoples heads.

      Although, that said, there’s a lot of metals and chemicals in the colourings they use… so maybe that fruit punch flavour is actually aluminium mixed with a bit of barium.

        1. They’ll use a concoction of flavourings, but I’d be surprised if there were any flavours that could be singled out other than Apple – which is used to create the vast majority of fruit flavours in sweets any way (like, pretty much all of them).

          Do a blind taste test and see. I know I certainly can’t tell any difference between them – sugar coated sugar squidge.

          Whereas fruit pastels, that’s a different story, purple tastes like purple and yellow tastes like yellow.

          1. You misunderstand me; I meant that Apple will be used in all of the flavours, irrelevant of the intended flavour.

            Incidentally it depends on what country you’re in as to what flavour they describe the colours ;)

          2. In the US it may be different. Grape is a pretty uncommon flavour in the UK (I’m not sure why, we seem to like grapes enough).

            I can’t remember where I heard it to be honest, I don’t have a citation, but it was something to do with it’s abundance, price and subtle sweetness that made apple a good base for fruit flavourings. I hope I’m not wrong, it does happen occasionally.

        2. I had a quick check, and they do, officially have flavours.

          There is at least enough people asking the same question for it to be clear that there isn’t much of a distinction between generic fruit flavour A and generic fruit flavour B.

          1. You’ve got it. They do definitely have distinct flavors, and they have different packages of flavor groups. They are all strange, chemical, and sugary flavors though and they’re not *like* anything but Skittles which leads me to think they must all have some patented base “Skittle” flavor to which small changes are made. 

          2. As I said in the first message, I’d be willing to put money on it being Apple juice.

            Apple is the base flavour for pretty much every fake fruit flavour. Or so I’m told. So probably just Apple with slightly more or slightly less barium :)

  3. Horse: Hmmmm…No sir, I don’t think I have any use for rubber nipples. But, I’ll tell you what though. Do you have any rubber walrus protectors?
    Walrus: Call the police!

  4.  Doesn’t make me want to fuck walruses, but perhaps to watch videos of people fucking them. First thing that came to mind when watching the commercial.

    No really, the last thing it made me think of is “wow could use some skittles right now”.

  5. I’m still trying to figure out how the terrifying liberal agenda is served by encouraging deviant walrus sex… Doesn’t Hollywood know that interstate transportation of walruses for immoral purposes increases your carbon footprint and sharply reduces the chance that you’ll be able to get a taxpayer-funded abortion?

    I fear that Big Media might be getting out of touch with mainstream deviant and unamerican values…

    1.  Obviously if you think deviant walrus sex is fine then you’ll go along with gay marriage and then where will we be with increased amounts of florists, caterers, DJs and venues all employing more workers? 

      Deviant walrus sex therefore is part of The Gay/Liberal Agenda.  It’s painfully obvious.  (Well, I’ll grant them that the thinking portion of this makes my head hurt…)

    2.  You heard the one about the zookeeper who could only keep the dolphins happy if he supplied them with sea birds to entertain them?  He was cutting through the big cat exhibit late one night when he was arrested for transporting a young gull across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises.


  6. I’m amazed at the discussion thread on Nolte’s site. Apparently, there are people actually stupid enough to believe there’s a conspiracy to encourage women to have sex with walruses.

    On a second look, for some reason, they get on the subject of abortion. Someone explains why she got an abortion after being raped, and people start abusing her for it.

      1. I’m not sure I should have brought it up so casually. That thread had been comic, then there’s a drift in topics, then someone, very bravely, explains why she felt that getting an abortion was the right decision, and then is castigated for it. It suddenly stopped being funny.

        1. And that is the difference between you and the usual posters on that site.  You know when something stops being a joke and starts being an actual threat to human life.

        2. I didn’t follow it that far. Glad I didn’t. The first dozen or so comments were hilarious.

    1. I tried reading the comments on that post, but just could not go on. I’m actually kind of terrified by what I read there. I honestly can’t tell anymore if these people:

      A) represent some kind of backward post-Amish minority and this just happens to be the place where they can vocalize their completely insane horseshit,


      B) really are more common than I could ever imagine (or want) and I just don’t know about them because of the Filter Bubble I live in online.

      I sometimes feel like I don’t know what planet I live on anymore. Every time I encounter people as blinded by dogma as these people clearly are it makes me want to run away to the mountains and live as a hermit. It also only affirms my belief that whatever good religion may have served in the past as a mechanism for building social concord and stabilizing large societies, it has surely outlived its usefulness now. For every reasonable and sane believer I meet, I encounter at least a dozen or more complete nutjobs. I know correlation does not imply causality but it’s hard not to draw conclusions in the current cultural environment.

      1. It’s more like, “Welcome to the human condition.” (Not mocking; I’ve felt this same amazement since the ’60s.)

        Every field of human endeavor has its analogs to the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory, Rule 34, and Godwin’s Law; the internet just saves us from having to physically travel to the actual barber shops, meeting rooms, and revival tents to experience them.

      2. “Post-Amish minority”?  I’m not even sure what that means.  I’m pretty sure most active Amish aren’t posting to web forums, even Mennonites.  And while the Amish would certainly disapprove, they’d usually do so quietly.  They may think you’re going to Hell, but they’re not gonna get in your face about it.

      3. That’s seems to be the way it is on a lot of these sites. The blogger leans a little bit one way off center and before you know it his/her followers have the crazy cranked up to 11.

        I often wonder if there are far left sites out there that I’m not visiting, that spew the hate to the level that I see on some of the more “mainstream” conservative sites. Some of these people seem one beer short of marching with torches and pitchforks.

        1. you can find lots of right wing blog circle jerks where they fantasize about systematically hunting down and killing their liberal neighbors

    2. there’s a conspiracy to encourage women to have sex with walruses.

      This seems to go along with many other batshit insane things Americans believe… like eating at a Chik-fil-a chicken joint will get you closer to Jesus and an all knowing, all seeing invisible sky wizard to boot.

  7. I’m not familiar with that site, so…the writer isn’t writing that in a mocking tone?  For real, that piece sounds like it belongs on The Onion.

    1.  The Breitbartians are… unique. But it’s only a parody in that modern conservatives are parodies of themselves…

  8. That sentence about the sexual deviancy humans are capable of made me wonder if Nolte isn’t projecting onto others his desires for hot, wet, bristly, blubbery walrus sex.

  9. I find it slightly amusing given the post that directly precedes it. Maybe this commercial is the opening volley by the radical left wing animal kingdom’s agenda to make their human-fucking behavior acceptable. Nice try Walrus,  you’ve proven more subtle than our Mr. Bull, but we aren’t buying it.

    1.  No, that’s First Declension.  Fifth Declension is:

      walrus – walruses
      virus – viruses
      octopus – octopuses.

      Boring, but true.

      1. If you’re gonna be a pedant, you best get your pedantry correct.

        Of those words, only “virus” is Latin in origin, and it’s second declension. 

  10. Given the previous post about the bull that tried to mate with a man (and perhaps even the one bfore that about the lost seal who ended up in Hawaii, no doubt looking for a little action) I think the real danger here is these commercials making animals want to fuck people.

  11. Come on Nolte, it’s not even gay bestiality! Though obviously the rainbow colour of the skittles is just a symbol of the LGBTQ agenda.

    1. Try picking one up at the club. You’ll probably have to put up with a bunch of obnoxious jailbait baby seals; but just try to ignore them and their soft, lustrous pelts…

      1. What’s more, he’ll have to fight a bull walrus (and win) in order to take a female home, if that’s his preference of course.  Furthermore,  he’ll have to take care his companion doesn’t fall prey to a killer whale or an Inuit hunter before he can get her home and seal the deal….

          1. It was the intent.

            BTW, this guy will have a heart attack if he ever sees Howard the Duck…

      2. just try to ignore them and their soft, lustrous pelts…

        Unless of course you’re a pinniped-o-phile.

  12. I think what everyone is missing here is the blatant Walrus-racism that’s happening.  They all look alike they say. 

  13. If these Tim and Eric-esque ads melt his brain, make sure avoid showing him the real thing.

    Also, I like the implications of his argument:  The Wrigley Company is trying to encourage bestiality via it’s Skittles brand….  How can you argue with such lunatics and half-wits?

  14. I love it when the sort of people that would shout “Stop being so politically correct” get outraged by stuff like this.

  15. You know how one after another of the most virulent anti-gay politicians and activists keep being revealed as homosexual? I think it’s pretty obvious here where John Nolte’s own predilections lie.

  16. I have to wonder, I really do, at someone who watches this and thinks to himself, “This will make people want to fuck walruses.”

    I’m much more concerned that this will make walruses want to fuck US.

  17. I don’t think I’m feeling attracted to walruses, but if that’s the sort of girlfriends walruses get, then I’m up for a species change operation.

  18. fuzzyfuzzyfungus, I’m a little offended that you would suggest clubbing with baby seals.

  19. After reading through that discussion thread, walruses suddenly seem preferable to people.

  20. I’m more concerned for this actress. No matter how big she gets, she will remain the lady who made out with a walrus.

  21. The person who watches that ad and seriously worries about encouraging man-on-walrus sex is a person disgusted and ashamed by their own sexuality. How else would they develop the perception that everybody is just barely holding back a torrent of unsavory desires that could be unleashed by something so trivial as an ad for candy?

  22. Clearly, it makes Nolte want to fuck walruses.  He’s the one complaining about it.  He probably ought to be locked up.  Once the walruses are safe, we can think about getting him some therapy.

  23. Mr. Nolte seems to think this is proof of a liberal agenda to ruin our morals.  In fact it is more likely the fault of capitalism and crass commercialism– they are trying to sell a product, and their advertising agency (like all advertising agencies) is trying to find some way to make people pay attention to the ad instead of switching channels or zoning-out while it plays.   

    Paranoia is self-fulfilling, if you look hard enough you can find something (almost anything) that you can cite as evidence of a plot.  For example, why is John Nolte anti-capitlaist?  Hmmmmm. . . you know who else is anti-capitalist. . . the commies!

  24. Walruses have bone a couple feet long in their penis.  This is called the “ossic” bone. Apparently fossilized ones are rather valuable as knife handles or something. 

      1. Well, by his own account, he does ” understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.”  

        1.  He definitely needs to be watched.  I wonder what other desires he has.  ‘But I really don’t wa-ant to know….’

  25. To me, this looks like a self-sustaining vortex of manufactured outrage. A dense, yowling mass of greasy, insincere  invective slinging outrage that sucks people in of its own accord, all while monetising the fleeting attention span of the internet. It proceeds something like this:

    Step one- Advertiser makes a strange little presentation, trying to elicit a reaction from the jaded audience, while hoping that the culture warriors will take the bait and give them even more exposure.

    Step two- Professional outrage pedlars take the bait, knowing that the ad isn’t sincere, but hey, this can be used as political/cultural ammunition, and to grab some attention for themselves.

    Step three- Humorists and blogs point out the idiots in step 2, because hey, pointing and laughing at these guys is the obvious, low hanging fruit of comedy.

    Step four- I write snarky comments about it.

  26. Admittedly I only read the snippet above and didn’t click on the link, but the part that gets me is, “Pay special attention to the thoroughly disgusting sound effects…”. And? The author drops that nugget and then launches into the sex argument. Are those little walrus whistles the basis for his argument? Is walrus cooing the proof of the impending apocalypse?

    1. Revelation 8:6-7 (galleys proof)
      6 And the seven walruses which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.7 The first walrus sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up, and yet the bukkit was not revealed.

  27. tbogg or alicublog (or both? I forget) writes some great stuff mocking the Big Hollywood site.  But this is really too easy.

  28. Who gives a crap was JWZ thinks…have you seen the blog? It’s terrible. The ad is funny and Walruses are sexy as hell.  

  29. Someone needs to hack his Netflix account and send him a copy of Doctor Doolittle. His head will explode when he learns that those nasty libruls have been at their agenda since WWI. We all know what pushmi-pullyu is code for…    

  30. Walruses really don’t do it for me…I’m more of a Narwhal person.
    That tusk, so long, so hard…

  31. Maybe somebody should have told Mr. Nolte, just because it makes him want to fuck a walrus it doesn´t mean that this spot was intendet to make people want to fuck walruses.

  32. so that’s why the walrus and the carpenter were eating all those oysters. they were gearing up for a night of hot man on pinniped depravity…

  33. Oh so Yawn ! Peter Jackson did it better with ‘ Meet the Feebles ‘ Walrus shagging cat . Hahahahaha ! Rabbit didn’t have mixamatosis ! Hippo got all Sly Stalone on everybody’s ass ! Hahahahahaah! 

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