Shape-Shifting Lizard Skin Cream

Shape Shifting Lizard Skin Cream, by Darren Cullen & Mark Tolson.
Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin. When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar.

That’s why there’s new Hypoallergenic Shapeshifting Lizard Skin Cream, for the hard-working reptilian overlord who wants to crush the human race AND look great. Revitalise dry cracked scales with the nutrifying formula, penetrating your watertight, abrasive epidermis with vitamin-enriched micro-molecules.

Never again spend hours removing crusty nodules from your armoured eyelids or sandblasting your segmented underbelly. Instead, spend your life-cycle on the things that really matter to you: eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star.

Whichever form you’ve taken, simply lather the cream onto tough lizard scales or weak and thin human tissue. The vitamin E rich formula gets to work fast, leaving your external membrane hard, reinforced and radiant.

Start each day with that “just-shed-skin” feeling!

Buy it here. (via BB Flickr Pool)


  1. I’m 99% sold; but I still have a few concerns…

    Some of the crackpots who are working against my definitely-not-actually-real chemtrail and higher-dimensional ELF mind control plots have been scattering orgone concentrators all over the place. What assurance do I have that this product is orgone free?

    (Also, do you have anything with monoatomic gold?)

  2. It’s very funny, well written, and executed. But also kind of a racket, checking the guy’s Etsy he’s selling standard every day items with alternate packaging at a markup.  I’m not sure if i should be amused or not… for now i’m going with amused.

    1. “Standard every day items with alternate packaging at a markup”  – that is probably the phrase you’ll find if you look up the definition of “Novelty item” in a dictionary. So there is nothing even remotely wrong or immoral about that. Unless the customer actually is a lizard, of course…

    2. The world is loaded with more-or-less-banal products in novelty shapes/packages/with twee quotations/etc/etc. It’s a harmless enough category, so long as everybody recognizes that you are paying for humor that, unlike a standup act or a cartoon, happens to be wrapped around some generic lotion or whatnot.

      Far worse deceits are practiced by the people in charge of exaggerating the qualities of banal commodities with a straight face…

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