Is this the douchiest press release ever?

Discuss

162 Responses to “Is this the douchiest press release ever?”

  1. Josh Centers says:

    Not sure about douchiest, but possibly the most pretentious.

  2. bobcorrigan says:

    “Bespoke experiences” == “Douchery”

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      I thought that we passed a law against using that.  I guess that they got around it because Switzerland.

  3. Dean says:

    Breathtaking and audacious in its douchery, but can you actually douche with it? That would be the vinegar test.

    • Alistair says:

      Douching has been proven to be unsanitary. Using expensive cognac would not only be risky, but pretentious as well, unless you are paris hilton, in which case it would be playing at par.

  4. timquinn says:

    I think ‘bespoke’ is latin for quick handy.

  5. Chris Gsell says:

    B-b-b-ut a “tastemaker” planned the party. So there.

  6. Sekino says:

    I’m picturing Mr Peanut and the Monopoly guy having a party.

  7. Mark Lyon says:

    More douchey: http://blog.bennettandbennett.com/2013/01/peter-a-barone-asshat-prosecutor-of-the-day.html

  8. Mark says:

    Butthurt boingboingers weren’t invited to fancy pinky finger party.

  9. Well I hope they had a designated driver.

    • Peppermint says:

      That would be called a chauffeur. Though I’m sure they have a douchey name for that, like driving executive. Or something.

      • Wreckrob8 says:

        Director of transportation.

      • larry says:

        Actually “Chauffeur” is considered “low” or “douchy”  when describing the person who drives your vehicle.   “Driver” is considered more “upper”.     Also referring to the vehicle being driven as anything other than “the car” is considered “low” 

        Example:

        LOW:  “Hey could please you have the Chauffeur bring the Maybach around? Thanks!” 

        HIGH:  “Have the driver bring the car.”

        SUPER HIGH: …your car is always ready without even having to ask.

        DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT ANYONE THINKS: You drive yourself in a beat up 72 Mercury Montego even though you are worth $50 Billion on a bad day.

      • Jenna Cody says:

        “bespoke driving agent”

      • Felton / Moderator says:

        Automobile navigation specialist.

  10. I like the “collections tailored to fit their specific needs” part. Like wine collections are a business product that you tailor to fit a particular business requirement.

  11. destroy_all_humans says:

    wine IS for douchebags, thanks for agreeing with me Xeni

    • Shane Simmons says:

      Hey, I’m about to have a glass of red wine.  I got hooked on it by a guy who grew up literally next to the Leinenkugel brewery, even.  If you have high blood pressure, a glass a day, and just a glass a day (no cheating by throwing in a bender after the glass) and your blood pressure will likely drop.

      I don’t get pretentious about it, though.  I get a local sweet red, whirl it in the blender for a minute, pour it back in the bottle when the bubbles subside, and it’s downright drinkable.  And if you have more than one glass, it’ll get you drunk.

      I’m with you on wine snobs, though.

  12. Milton Santini says:

    Catalina wine mixer.

  13. John says:

    Sean Parker….   oh man, just had a Buckaroo Banzai moment…

  14. teknocholer says:

    For a fascinating look at the world of rich-people wine, see The Billionaire’s Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace.

    http://www.amazon.com/The-Billionaires-Vinegar-Mystery-Expensive/dp/0307338789/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359173588&sr=8-1&keywords=the+billionaires+vinegar

  15. Space Toast says:

    VC is the douchiest industry. For background, this was actually Accel Partners’ party. (Notice how they slipped them in there?) And Soutirage is an Accel-backed company. Don’t believe me about the douchery? Check out Accel’s website: http://www.accel.com Then realize they don’t even have the duchiest VC website… not even close.

  16. The important thing to realize is that the Bolshevik’s had some good ideas.

  17. Genre Slur says:

    Well, since it’s full of shit, I’d say an enema is more where the release is at.

  18. kmoser says:

    It’s not the press release that’s douchey, but rather those who attended the party.

  19. “bespoke experiences” ha ha ha ha ha ha so damn pretentious

  20. Shane Simmons says:

    They forgot to put their warehouse guy in the PR, which is a shame.  Apparently he’s an expert on rock-an-roll as well as wine warehouse management. Yes. Rock-an-roll.

    Seriously, I usually think that pointing out other peoples’ douchiness is douchey itself, but this is gold.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      Last week (or so) a gentleman who changed his name to Ned Rocknroll (and married Kate Winslet) won a court injunction to prevent the spread of some pictures of him in a silly costume because the judge agreed that it might embarrass some imaginary future children. Rock and roll is now nothing but a pretentious branding tool for people who would grab an antiseptic wipe if Keith Richards brushed up against them.

      • Boundegar says:

        Yknow what’s messed up?  Punk is, too.

        • gehringer says:

          Every subculture eventually ends up like that.  That’s why new ones pop up every decade or two.

          That, and every generation of teenagers needs something new to annoy their parents, since each generation of parents is OK with the lat subculture by virtue of being in it so they could annoy their parents.

          • Antinous / Moderator says:

            every generation of teenagers needs something new to annoy their parents

            I should point out that that’s an American/ British/ German/ (and probably some others) thing. There are quite a few places in the world where teenagers and parents get along just fine.

          • OriGuy says:

            “Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”
            – Socrates

      • Charlie B says:

         That’s certainly reasonable as long as they frame the wipe and sell it on eBay afterwards.

          I mean, that’s what I would do.

  21. BDiamond says:

    Can someone give me a pretentious to plain English translation of “bespoke experience” and “bespoke travel”? I’m serious. My mind can’t parse either phrase.

    Never mind. I think I understand douche now.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      If it were actually “bespoke travel”, you would mention a desire to go somewhere and an imperious little man with a tiny moustache would make your travel desires manifest.

      At best, this means, “You don’t have to book all your own shit on the internet; we’ll provide some of the services that every middle-class person in America used to get for free from a travel agent 20 years ago.”

      • Bespoke means more than that; the “bespoke” part of it means “exclusive to one client” like a bespoke tailor, for example. So a “bespoke travel” agent is one who charges you so much that he doesn’t need any more clients; this is supposed to convince you (if you can afford such things) that he’s so much better than travel agents who have many clients that he’s absolutely worth that much.

        And, frankly, if he knows how to book travel options that are just flatly not available at any price to hoi polloi and that are only marketed by word of mouth, no matter where in the world you are likely to go? There are people out there, not a few of whom will be at Davos, for whom that’s worth it. At that point, he becomes basically a subcontractor to the household manager.

        (See Robert Frank, /Richistan/)

        • Antinous / Moderator says:

          Bespoke tailors aren’t exclusive to one client.  It just means custom-made.

          • oasisob1 says:

            Bespoke seems to be in common use in the UK.

          • Lupus_Yonderboy says:

            If I’m remembering correctly something truly “Bespoke” would be designed from the ground up for just one client. The tailor/watchmaker/software engineer/whatever else can take contracts from anyone and as many as they can handle but if they’re claiming that the suit/watch/program/whatever that they’re making is “bespoke” they can’t make a 2nd one with the same design for anyone else. Custom is different – custom-made means that it was individually made for you but that doesn’t indicate that it was *designed* specifically for you or that you’re the only one in the whole world who might have one exactly like that (i.e. with a “bespoke” suit the patterns themselves are created just for you and destroyed afterwards, while a custom suit can use pre-existing patterns or if they’re created for you can be used for other suits later.)

          • L_Mariachi says:

            Anything made-to-measure involves altering an existing pattern but is considered bespoke. (Also, they don’t destroy the pattern, they keep it (or at least the measurements) on file for your future purchases. If you have an account with a Hong Kong or Savile Row tailor, you can call in advance of your visit so they can get to work without having to take your measurements all over again.)  What you’re talking about — full-custom top-to-bottom one-offs — exists for costumes and such but isn’t really the way suits are done. No idea about women’s wear.

          • Lupus_Yonderboy says:

            Replying to I_Mariachi (wish that we had infinite threaded comments, btw):

            Huh, I’m willing to believe that you’re correct but I used to get custom tailored suits (pick out all the fabrics, choose where you wanted pockets, etc.) from a guy in NYC and he only referred to himself as “semi-bespoke” because he was using existing patterns.

          • Antinous / Moderator says:

            There’s not really any room for customization in a morning suit or other garment that would be made by a bespoke tailor. It’s made to measure for you, but it’s not designed for you.

        • C W says:

          ” the “bespoke” part of it means “exclusive to one client” like a bespoke tailor, for example”

          In reality, it doesn’t mean exclusive, nor “unique”.

    • Wreckrob8 says:

      Package holiday.

  22. robcat2075 says:

    You were wondering what the job creators do with the tax money you gave them…

  23. rekoil says:

    And guess what? You printed it. Mission accomplished, as far as the PR agency is concerned.

  24. scdevine says:

    It certainly is a high density douche nugget.

    Just look at how much fun the people are having, who ganked the industrial world’s economy.  Really?  Having the _nice_ wine?  Wonderful….

    If unions had their retirement funds invested in robotics, I would have a lot fewer pitchforks and torches visions.  You can’t talk to nobody no mo’!

    • larry says:

      “High Density Douche Nugget”

      I read that as I was sipping my coffee and now have to clean off my laptop.   Thanks for the laugh.

  25. Wuju says:

    He sounds like a self-facilitating media node.

  26. Dave McCaig says:

    Look. Lets face it. The real issue that were all trying to bury with all this “fancy-town-wine-snobbery=lolz” talk is that Two Buck Chuck just raised its cost by 25%.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      It’s Two-and-a-half Buck Chuck now. Everyone will complain, but this is the first price hike in 11 years. We should probably send a thank you note.

      • Dave McCaig says:

        Having been back in Canada for a while, I miss being able to buy a whole freaking case of “won’t cause blindness” wine for the price of a single bottle of similar quality here. I agree that it’s pretty hard to complain about a case now costing a bottle and a quarter. I think for a lot of people though, the real issue is not the price increase, it’s the loss of that lovable name. I almost wonder if they might have been better off just going to Three Buck Chuck. Anyways, a big thank you to Charles Shaw for cheaply supplying fuel for many a fun party while I lived in California.

  27. WernerVonGoetz says:

    How have we not moved past childish name calling like this? I thought maybe I had accidentally clicked on a Fox News headline, but no, it’s just Xeni being judgemental again.

    It’s posts like this that remind everyone that boingboing is just another angsty blog weighed down by the ridiculous personal opinions of its contributors.

  28. Lemoutan says:

    Are they second, or third, against the wall …?

  29. SedanChair says:

    San Francisco tastemaker Ken Fulk

    Translation: travel back in time, kill my caveman ancestor, return to the present, discover paradise on Earth

  30. Lithi says:

    Fancy! Not as douchey and pretentious as so-called “artists” describing themselves and the crap they throw together and try to unload at obscene prices.

  31. Douchy. Or not sign me up for 1950 vintage cognac.

  32. This wine tastes like vinegar.

  33. Jeffery Bahr says:

    Jeez.  Lighten up, folks.  Wine is good.  Expensive wine is usually very good.  Some wine is ethereal.  So, these people are pretentious.  There is a ridiculous number of things to condemn worse than this, some of which are even advocated/supported at Davos.

  34. ROSSINDETROIT says:

    “Evan Yurman”.  Jewelry designer David Yurman has a son named Evan.  I need to Google around and find out if this is the same dude I met a few years ago at a jewelry event.

    ETA: yup

  35. Timothy Broyles says:

    So, if I were to discuss computers in great detail, let’s say, would that be douchey? No? How about the merits of one sports team over another? See, you call it douchey because you’re not into it. If you’re into wine, there’s nothing wrong with this press release.

    • Boundegar says:

      Bespoke experiences.  I rest my case.

    • Nell Anvoid says:

      Bespoken like a true oenophile, sir.

    • C W says:

      The adage “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” comes in to play.

      There are plenty of sports douchebags, the “IT guy” can also be douchey as well.

      I like good food and booze, but that doesn’t preclude me from thinking a PRESS RELEASE could have sounded prickish. I’m sorry we’ve insulted a corporation, this will surely never happen again.

  36. JoshP says:

    It may be that I’m playing Arkham City, but I’d be willing to bet that someone on that guest list is living a dual life, a secret polarized existence where they become an avatar that fights the corruption and pestilence that is eating at this city’s very core.  Just sayin.

    • Nell Anvoid says:

      That must be when they aren’t busy managing their bespoke collection of fine vintage plonk, of course.

      OK…I’ve officially hit my limit on inane posts about this silly-assed press release. Damn Saturdays….

      • Lupus_Yonderboy says:

        No, you see, these people exist so that Bruce Wayne can have all the fancy trappings of being super-rich without spending his valuable time chosing wines, etc.  They’re actually facilitating his cover identity and assisting with freeing up time to fight crime.

  37. I work in media in wine country and get stuff like this all the time … I usually hit “delete” after the first superlative.

  38. haineux says:

    For some reason, I would rather have a FRESHMAKER

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLccCsTGNP4

  39. Gyrofrog says:

    “intimate tastings”… Mmmmm-mmm!

  40. Gordon Klock says:

    Sounds excruciatingly delicious. 

  41. DJBudSonic says:

    As usual, you had me at the first ‘bespoke’.  Everyone be sure and MAKE THAT CALL 310.313.6374 to fake-book your next event.

  42. Preston Sturges says:

    From “Naked Lunch:”

    A. J. once reserved a table a year in advance Chez Robert where a huge, icy gourmet broods over the greatest food in the world.  So baneful and derogatory is his gaze that many a client, under that withering blast, has rolled on the floor and pissed all over himself in convulsive attempts to ingratiate.

    So A. J. arrives early with six Bolivian Indians who chew coca leaves between courses. And when Robert, in all his gourmet majesty, bears down upon the table, A. J. looks up and yells: “Hey, Boy!  Bring me some ketchup!”
    (Alternative: A. J. whips out a bottle of ketchup and douses the haute cuisine.)
    Thirty gourmets stop chewing at once.  You could have heard a soufflé drop.  As for Robert, he lets out a bellow of rage like a wounded elephant, runs to the kitchen and arms himself with a meat cleaver.  …  The Sommelier snarls hideously, his face turning a strange iridescent purple. … He breaks off a bottle of Brut Champagne … ’26.  …  Pierre, the Head Waiter, snatches up a boning knife.  All three chase A. J. through the restaurant with mangled, inhuman screams of rage. …  Tables overturn, vintage wine and matchless food crash to the floor.  …  Cries of “Lynch him!” ring through the air.  An elderly gourmet with the insane bloodshot eyes of a mandril, is fashioning a hangman’s knot with a red velvet curtain cord.  …  Seeing himself cornered and in imminent danger of danger of dismemberment at least, A. J. plays his trump card. …  He throws out his head and lets out a hog call; and a hundred famished hogs he had stationed nearby rush into the restaurant, slopping the haute cuisine.  Like a great tree Robert falls to the floor in a stroke where he is eaten by the hogs: “Poor bastards don’t know enough to appreciate him.” says A. J.

    Robert’s brother Paul emerges from retirement in a local nut house and takes over the restaurant to dispense something he calls the “Transcendental Cuisine.”  …  Imperceptibly, the quality of the food declines until he is serving literal garbage, the clients being too intimidated by the reputation of Chez Robert to protest.

    SAMPLE MENU:
    The Clear Camel Piss Soup with boiled Earth Worms

    The Filet of Sun-Ripened Sting Raybasted with Eau de Cologne and garnished with nettles

    The After-Birth Suprême de Boeuf,cooked in drained crank case oil,served with a piquant sauce of rotten egg yokesand crushed bed bugs

    The Limburger Cheese sugar cured in diabetic urineand doused in Canned Heat Flamboyant

    So the clients are quietly dying of botulism.  …  Then A. J. returns with an entourage of Arab refugees from the Middle East.  He takes one mouthful and screams:“Garbage God damn it.  Cook this wise citizen in his own swill!”

  43. Teresa Nielsen Hayden says:

    No, that is not the world’s douchiest press release. This week’s award for DPR goes to the “Sugar daddies for coeds’ student loans” press release that got turned in to a shambling pretense of journalism by dozens of outlets. It’s most evident in this one – 

    The Daily Californian
    http://www.dailycal.org/2013/01/22/campus-sees-surge-in-sugar-babies/

    – but its bones are detectable in stories in the Huffington Post, Fox Business News, the Christian News Network, MSN Money, KITV.com/ABC News, KCTV 5/Kansas City, NewsOne, TMDaily Post, Above the Law, and other supposed news sites. All of these write-ups are functioning as advertisements for an online site that charges fees to supposedly match coeds to potential sugar daddies.

  44. Kerouac says:

    I read “artisanal eaux-de-vie” and almost spit up my Boone’s Farm.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      Isn’t Eau de Vie always artisanal? Making delicately flavored liquor from fruit seems incompatible with mass production techniques.

  45. Beth Morgan says:

    I don’t even get what you’re supposed to do with this press release. Write about their awesome party? Mocking it or ignoring it are basically the only potential reactions.

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