Former Tennessee legislator "drove 90 MPH while masturbating out window"

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52 Responses to “Former Tennessee legislator "drove 90 MPH while masturbating out window"”

  1. PlutoniumX says:

    So he was a “1.5 mile man”? 

    Needs to work on his stamina.  

  2. soylent_plaid says:

     So some people are just pervs no matter how “respectable” they are, but I’m more concerned about the mechanics of it all.  How the hell did he contort himself to keep his foot on the gas, his pelvis at the window, and his head in a place where he could still see forward?  Did he flip it into cruise control and steer with one foot?  How!?

  3. Christopher says:

    As a Tennessean myself I sincerely wish this were the stupidest thing a Tennessee politician had done recently. It may be the stupidest non-legislative thing a Tennessee politician has done recently, but I’m not sure I’d even bet on that.

    On the bright side, though, he’s really putting the “vice” in “vice-mayor”.

  4. p96 says:

    Well, at least he wasn’t texting.

  5. UnderachievingSheep says:

    Since early this morning when I read about this guy I’ve been scratching my head trying to understand the logistics of his act: press on the gas pedal, elevate himself so that his “parts” are visible, masturbate, honk to get the women’s attention, guide the car… and somehow maintain an erection?! How on earth did he do it?! This requires some skills fitting a contortionist with an acute power of concentration.

  6. semiotix says:

    At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating…

    Given how he’d have to be arranged to have his penis out the window while driving, that’s extremely dangerous! Unless… it was only sort of dangerous, in which case… look, don’t judge me, but crazy and hung? As long as he takes a taxi home, I’m game.

  7. Nell Anvoid says:

    Cue the “Wankel Rotary Engine” jokes…

  8. Dan Wilson says:

    one really has to hope he was driving a convertible…..

  9. SomeGuyNamedMark says:

    I have to give him credit, I can barely change the station on the radio without drifting.

  10. toobigtofail says:

    But wait… it gets worse… from the article

    Blakely was investigated on similar charges more than two years ago when he was still in office. Recalling dozens of complaints in recent years, Terry Christian, a Kingsport detective, told WJHL that Blakely’s behavior has gone on “for so long an (sic) nobody’s addressed it.” 

  11. awjt says:

    Just remember, the Lesters picked this guy first!!!  

  12. Roose_Bolton says:

    Christ, what a prickhole.

  13. cubby96 says:

    Two things: 

    First, the witness said he “had his penis out” and the editor added [the window].  I expect that the witness meant out of his pants and visible to the witness, but not out of the window.  This removes the unlikely scenario that we are all trying to figure out.

    Second, in saying he ‘exited quickly,’ I believe the witness is referring to leaving a limited access roadway with on-ramps and off-ramps, such as a highway/freeway/interstate.

    And for good measure:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xECUrlnXCqk

    • vancouverrain says:

      I think this is the most reasonable explanation. Otherwise this man should be in the (prison) circus working as a contortionist.

      • TooGoodToCheck says:

         Reasonable, and yet extremely disappointing.

      • SamSam says:

        Don’t forget cruise control.
        Put on cruise control and you can take off your seatbelt and kneel on your seat. Heck, you can even get into the passenger seat and still be doing 90. No contortion involved.

      • C.J. Hayes says:

        Maybe not! Maybe he just has great balance.  See, I think he was essentially sitting inside the window frame of the door, with his legs on the outside of the car, using one hand to steer while watching the road with the car on cruise, and using his other hand to… navigate in other ways.

  14. Bradley Robinson says:

    Imagine discovering you are fresh out of washer fluid after driving behind this guy.

    And I thought love bugs were bad…

  15. Shinkuhadoken says:

    Clearly this gentleman is in the wrong line of work.

  16. sockdoll says:

    “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad. I wouldn’t look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly.”

    As one does.

  17. welcomeabored says:

    Suddenly the memory of sitting directly behind dad with both windows open, when he hocked out a loogie doesn’t seem so bad.  Kinda innocent really.

  18. cazart says:

    “Them Duke boys’re in a heap of trouble. Better grab ‘em up some tissues. We’ll be right back.”

  19. allenmcbride says:

    Actually a former vice-mayor by the accounts I’ve seen, not a legislator. Which is a shame, because “driving 90 MPH while masturbating out window” is such a good dysphemism for much of what the Tennessee legislature has been doing lately.

  20. noah django says:

    fucking Kingsport, man.

  21. BobbyNewbell says:

    This is incredible! A Tennessee driver actually exceeded 35 mph?!

  22. Christopher Houser says:

    Haven’t we all masturbated at 90?

    Okay, admittedly, I’m not sure how he could keep such speed with his penis out the window. I get the impression part of this is made up.

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