Former Tennessee legislator "drove 90 MPH while masturbating out window"

Tom Kludt quotes a witness:

"At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]... he was masturbating... and that's when it got really, really bad. I wouldn't look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly."

I've never heard the euphemism "exited" before, but hey, Tennessee's a pretty weird place. [Talking Points Memo]


  1.  So some people are just pervs no matter how “respectable” they are, but I’m more concerned about the mechanics of it all.  How the hell did he contort himself to keep his foot on the gas, his pelvis at the window, and his head in a place where he could still see forward?  Did he flip it into cruise control and steer with one foot?  How!?

  2. As a Tennessean myself I sincerely wish this were the stupidest thing a Tennessee politician had done recently. It may be the stupidest non-legislative thing a Tennessee politician has done recently, but I’m not sure I’d even bet on that.

    On the bright side, though, he’s really putting the “vice” in “vice-mayor”.

  3. Since early this morning when I read about this guy I’ve been scratching my head trying to understand the logistics of his act: press on the gas pedal, elevate himself so that his “parts” are visible, masturbate, honk to get the women’s attention, guide the car… and somehow maintain an erection?! How on earth did he do it?! This requires some skills fitting a contortionist with an acute power of concentration.

  4. At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating…

    Given how he’d have to be arranged to have his penis out the window while driving, that’s extremely dangerous! Unless… it was only sort of dangerous, in which case… look, don’t judge me, but crazy and hung? As long as he takes a taxi home, I’m game.

    1. I am still trying to work out HOW he would do this.   Unless he was extremely well endowed to the point he could go to costume parties as a gas pump.

    1. ‘…we just weep like teased vaginas’.

      That simile is never going to leave my mind.

  5. I have to give him credit, I can barely change the station on the radio without drifting.

  6. But wait… it gets worse… from the article

    Blakely was investigated on similar charges more than two years ago when he was still in office. Recalling dozens of complaints in recent years, Terry Christian, a Kingsport detective, told WJHL that Blakely’s behavior has gone on “for so long an (sic) nobody’s addressed it.” 

    1. I was wondering about this… How does one prove that this really occurred? Its not like he would admit to it when asked.

          1. I should be so lucky!  Alas, I live in fly-over territory and will only capture every-day stupidity and thwart the coming wave of insurance scams. :/

  7. Two things: 

    First, the witness said he “had his penis out” and the editor added [the window].  I expect that the witness meant out of his pants and visible to the witness, but not out of the window.  This removes the unlikely scenario that we are all trying to figure out.

    Second, in saying he ‘exited quickly,’ I believe the witness is referring to leaving a limited access roadway with on-ramps and off-ramps, such as a highway/freeway/interstate.

    And for good measure:

    1. I think this is the most reasonable explanation. Otherwise this man should be in the (prison) circus working as a contortionist.

      1. Don’t forget cruise control.
        Put on cruise control and you can take off your seatbelt and kneel on your seat. Heck, you can even get into the passenger seat and still be doing 90. No contortion involved.

      2. Maybe not! Maybe he just has great balance.  See, I think he was essentially sitting inside the window frame of the door, with his legs on the outside of the car, using one hand to steer while watching the road with the car on cruise, and using his other hand to… navigate in other ways.

  8. Imagine discovering you are fresh out of washer fluid after driving behind this guy.

    And I thought love bugs were bad…

  9. “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad. I wouldn’t look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly.”

    As one does.

  10. Suddenly the memory of sitting directly behind dad with both windows open, when he hocked out a loogie doesn’t seem so bad.  Kinda innocent really.

  11. “Them Duke boys’re in a heap of trouble. Better grab ’em up some tissues. We’ll be right back.”

  12. Actually a former vice-mayor by the accounts I’ve seen, not a legislator. Which is a shame, because “driving 90 MPH while masturbating out window” is such a good dysphemism for much of what the Tennessee legislature has been doing lately.

  13. Haven’t we all masturbated at 90?

    Okay, admittedly, I’m not sure how he could keep such speed with his penis out the window. I get the impression part of this is made up.

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