By Mark Frauenfelder at 1:42 pm Thu, Apr 18, 2013
America's favorite make-up model, Pat Robertson, weighs in on Satan's newest psychic weapon: Dungeons and Dragons. (Via CN)
Somebody should send him a copy of Authentic Thaumaturgy and give him a coronary.
The 80’s are calling, they want their satanic panic back.
The 70s said to say that Brad and Janet are still waiting for their satanic mechanic.
Tom Hanks and Chris Makepeace still wander lost in their hellish fantasy dungeons.
That sounds god damned amazing.
Except for that Dan Brown crap, I agree.
I loved that movie as a kid. ! (Mazes and Monsters). Made me pick up a miniature figure painting kit.
I don’t know, it really messed Tom Hanks up. Can’t be too safe…
Can’t watch this now – is this a new clip, or is it a clip from the 80’s?
It’s almost impossible to tell, without advanced forensics.
I fully expected a clip from the 80s. Glad to see that Pat is clearing the damnation backlog.
Hey! Damnation Backlog was the name of one of my favorite D&D campaigns!
That’s funny it’s the name of my satanic Norwegian death polka band.
That’s funny! It’s the name of my gastro-intestinal condition.
That’s funny !. When my friend had a near death experience, he said that he was surrounded by flames and a voice saying, “Go back, damnation backlog”
Robertson’s mind exists in a state of being where it is always the year 1982.
I believe you mean ‘1582’.
“Newest”? Good grief.
Don’t get me started on 4e.
I don’t know mate, i consider 4E to be the spawn of satan.
Up next: The Dangers of dungarees!!
or “Rock ‘n’ Roll”!
I don’t know which band you’re talking about, but I know about this “Elvis”, with his satanic lyrics and his provocative hip swaying… There’s other music you can listen to, but stay away from that Elvis.
What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?
Gin, jazz, and rumble seats!
Or that godawful jazz music the kids are listening too these days.
Have you seen this filth?
The beat! The beat! The beat! The beat!
I believe he’s getting Dungeons and Dragons mixed up with Mazes and Monsters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfxXug5ZMdk
Nope. That’s what he actually thinks D&D is like. (I’d say that it’s what he thinks RPGs are like, but I’m pretty sure Pat Robertson’s mind is incapable of encompassing the idea that there are RPGs which are not D&D.)
After he saw that clip back in the 90s, my GM complained that he never got bouncers for his games.
Please stick to the games that involve killing and blowing the crap out of everything in your path. That should make Jesus happy.
There’s no magic in availing one’s self of the God-given right to bear arms and to shoot brown people with them on your television, by God! Any pre-teen that mows down hookers with a AK47 is doing the Lord’s work!
I’m pretty sure that gunpowder is magic.
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
(Terry Pratchett, thank you.)
While thanking Terry Pratchett is something we should all do regularly, in this particular instance, it’s Arthur C Clarke who deserves the credit.
Not for that version.
Any sufficiently altered quote is indistuguishable from a misattribution.
Actually “Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology” first appeared in a Doctor Who episode in the Sylvester McCoy era – though Terry Pratchett may have inverted Clarke’s Law without knowing that it had already been done.
in 1st edition AD&D, antimagic somehow disabled gunpowder (for which there were optional rules), so yeah, it is.
tangent: the material component for fireball is a ball of sulfur and bat guano. you’d think wizards would be able to figure gunpowder out from there. maybe they’re just protecting their monopoly.
OMG!!!!1 Pat Robertson built a time machine thirty years ago! Why he only came three decades ahead I don’t know.
You don’t know that he won’t keep appearing, like Hari Seldon, for the next millennium.
The completely fictitious domain of Psychohistory is more realistic than the devil ‘n pitchfork cartoon filmloops in Pat’s noggin.
In Seldon’s case, his pre-recorded discussions were meaningful and accurate for centuries until the Mule mucked things up. What’s Robertson’s excuse?
so, who’s really going retro, here? is it robertson, who’s digging up this old panic, or is it satan, trotting out an old favorite for funsies?
I claim this entry for Poe’s law!
This old Dead Alewives skit comes to mind.
Whew, good thing I play Pathfinder then….
So we all agree that 4E is in fact the work of the devil? Because honestly there is no other excuse for a game that bad.
Hmm he is 83 years old. Could he suffer from some form of senile dementia? I remember observing this “reliving of events” as a symptom when an older relative of mine suffered from dementia.
He could, and among Religious followers, no one notices.
It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!
It looks like that syphilis Pat caught back during his days as a Korean War “booze officer” has finally started chewing away at the part of his brain that keeps track of time. Not that the other parts aren’t swiss cheese already.
In 1983, a friend of mine worked in a mom and pop software store that also did mail-order. The woman ran the store and believed that computer games involving magic were evil, but apparently would not vet games before stocking them, so she was regularly throwing away new, unopened games. She went as far as to write a company selling a disk utility for the TRS-80, called something like ‘Disk Wizard’, and asked them to change the name and get rid of the wizard hat on the cover. I feel sorry for anyone so caught up in their superstitions that their life is a little righteous bubble outside of which only evil exists.
This story has a happy ending, right? The business was consistently profitable and operates to this day… right?
I thought the happy ending would be “lucky kids finding a lot of awesome free games in the trash.”
In the mid-1980’s I worked in a nursing home in Kentucky in the maintenance department while attending college. One day, a co-worker brought in a ‘Devil’s Food’ cake and dropped it off in the breakroom. As soon as she left the room, a couple of coworkers remarked how they weren’t going to eat it because it had the word ‘devil’ in it. For the remainder of the day, that cake sat there uneaten as co-workers repeatedly warned each other that this was not an ordinary chocolate cake, but a Satanic inspired creation.
He’s like a tenth-level Paladin for the modern age.
More like he sadly donned a cursed -5 Cap of Foolishness before first identifying it.
To be fair, i’m pretty sure putting it on does in fact identify it… Kind of like how a bear can identify a bear trap… With its foot.
I almost wish Hell actually existed and I could buy tickets to watch his reaction when he found himself standing at the gates as a result of his lifetime of conning millions.
Somebody should really tell him about Kill Puppies for Satan. D&D(even if you do attempt to lean heavily on the Book of Vile Darkness in order to darken things up a little) just stopped being remotely edgy approximately forever ago.
Hey, KPFS is a really cool game.
Now 4rth edition, that´s where the Antichrist is!!
Phooey! Jack Chic is way ahead of him w.r.t. this Satanic Evil!
I was in a small group with some folks at my church who claimed that they wouldn’t watch or read Harry Potter because of the evil power of witchcraft in it. They did with absolutely no irony over the fact they were raving earlier that night about the newest Twilight movie and had all the books on their shelves.
I stopped short of telling them that I played Dungeons & Dragons a lot growing up and I turned out just fine — which, in retrospect would have been only the second most evil thing they discovered about me that night, the first being that I voted for Obama…twice at that.
Why do you think we call them “snacks”.
Its the Zombie Apocalypse!!
That’s what the make-up is for, right? He’s actually a zombie repeating the last things he did when he was still alive.
Oh, that takes me back. It’s been YEARS since I’ve seen a good “D&D is Satanic!” rant. You can’t even get ostracized for it any more.
Her sad nod at 28 seconds…
Both of them look familiar.
This is not a repeat from 30 years ago.
He’s so artificial looking, he doesn’t even make it to the uncanny valley. He’s just a nodding robot with a grandpa skin and a soundtrack.
Well, nobody has managed to locate or destroy his phylactory yet, so there doesn’t seem to be much hope that his unnatural existence is going to end anytime soon…
Does favored enemy (undead) stack with favored enemy (moron)?
I’m going to stat up what you just described as a robotic monster for my next RPG session. I’ll call it the PATROBERTRON 9000.
Your plastic pal who’s no fun to be with!
Hey, that reminds me. Anybody remember Reagan?
Careful Pat! Fleeing from evil may incur an attack of opportunity.
Clearly he has Mobility.
I think you’ll find its pronounced senility
Only if you’ve updated your mental ruleset since 2000. He’s safe.
This guy is supposedly playing a Cleric.. but he’s going against the Class Alignment… it’s clearly effing up his Cha and XP. He should just multiclass into AntiPaladin or switch Deities and get it over with.
Ah, dear old Pat. In my younger angry queer days my poem What I’ll Think About While Pat Robertson Swallows My Load always killed at readings.
…oh, my deity, that poem needs to be posted. Please? Please post it?
This all has me wondering where I left my pet rock.
Just in case you forgot how crazy he is.
Who’s living in a fantasy land now Pat?
As a child of the 80’s who got into D&D because he wanted Satanic powers, I would kindly ask Pat Robertson to stop spreading these lies about how one makes a pact with dark forces. Years wasted, I tell you.
I know right? We’d have made Pat’s head explode ages ago if that stuff worked.
I only wanted divine powers, and I couldn’t even get those from serving in my church into my late teens. Maybe I shouldn’t have hedged my bets by playing D&D also, but that didn’t work either.
Pat Robertson, making the world a better place since…. Never.
I do wonder, though, is “Satanic” just a fundie dogwhistle for “kids grow up and lose their faith”? I was never a gamer back in the Satanic Panic days, but I wonder how many adolescent gamers grow up to be traditionally religious? Is there any correlation?
I grew up to be non-traditionally religious, but then I was raised an atheist. Kids gotta rebel.
It could be. To some versions of faith — and I’m pretty sure that Robertson is one of those — “Satanic” equals anything but the exact party line.
I think it’s high time to post a link to the old “Spellcasting 101″ entry on The Escapist: http://www.theescapist.com/spells/
It’s absolutely hilarious, if you have a few minutes to read it.
That was fabulous: thank you!
If any of the people who glorify Pat Robertson had any sense and decency, they would get him off the air and into a dementia-care facility. Seriously: What the hell is wrong with his staff and his followers?
Have there been any prophets throughout history who didn’t need emergency mental health care?
Warren Buffet? No wait, he’s just an oracle.
What I did not know till now! this is her! the nodding head!
(Terry) Meeuwsen was the 1972 Miss Green Bay, 1972 Miss Wisconsin  and the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1973, taking both the talent and swimsuit competitions. She was the first Miss Wisconsin delegate to hold the Miss America title.
You’ve come a long way, Baby.
Oy. Beauty pageants. A competition to look pretty and say whatever is expected of you.
If ever there were a more marketable skill set…
Okay, I’m sick of Pat Robertson. I’m going to do when my players get too annoying. I’m summoning a tarrasque. Let’s see how he deals with this.
Damn. The tarrasque is a pure killing machine. That’s harsh, man.
I am an angry and vengeful DM.
The tarrasque. Not a. It’s unique. 2nd edition monster manual says so. :p
I have such pity for the poor bastards who are indoctrinated with such lame ass beliefs. Those poor squares.
I don’t know what the names of any games are. I don’t play any games and I don’t even really know what a game is. But I do know there’s this thing called the Bible, it’s so into the occult that it’s demonic, and it has just utterly destroyed more people’s lives than anything ever. I would stay as far away from it as you possibly can.
I’m now determined more than ever to play D&D again. (First edition, because that’s what I have. I also have basic & expert. Hm.)
Persecution over a moral panic is, as far as I can discern, a required step in the transformation from a fad into a lasting subculture, roleplaying games could do with another round of it.
It’s a shame only D&D gets any though.
“It’s a shame only D&D gets any though.”
I suspect this is the only context in which that statement has ever been uttered.
Clearly, you won the battle, Pat: Satan is loosing ground while trying to catch up with contemporary means of mind perversion.
Fortunately, playing Dungeons and Dragons warned me to flee from the evil of Pat Robertson.
But I can understand why he’d be against a fantasy world set entirely in medieval thought. He doesn’t need the competition.
It´s completely bizarre that there are real people out there who would sit down and in all seriousness formulate a question like this and pose it on public television.
Has he even PLAYED fourth edition???
I mean… if he was talking about some of the broken multi-classing munchkining you could do in 3.5, I might agree — I’ve made characters so broken there might have been a Faustian pact involved… but 4E (and even Pathfinder) have been nerfed heavily in favor of game balance. At best, you might owe an infernal being a favor later on, but your soul will be intact.
Since these lies get trotted out not just in this case, but whenever there is a school shooting, I thought I would post my open letter to Pat:
You state that D&D “literally destroyed people’s lives” and that people “got into this thing and it was demonic.” You and your kind have been told, countless times, to your faces in many cases, that this is not true. You have never produced anything more than an urban legend that got turned into a crappy 80’s made-for-TV fictional movie to support this. Now, I understand that you may claim that you were not lying; that you are just utterly incompetent at discerning the truth from your own psychotic vision of the universe. However, you have been told the truth hundreds of times, been presented with piles of evidence, and failed to produce any evidence supporting your assertions. Continuing to make statements like you did under such circumstances is no longer mere incompetence. This is called “lying,” Pat. I know it is hard for your to understand such a concept, but it is lying, plain and simple. Since you do so in order to convince people to give you money, it is also fraud.
Next, you tell your followers “[don’t ask] if a thing is wrong or not wrong. I just think we should flee from evil.”
OK, two issues here: First, telling people to “flee from evil” while in the same breath telling them that they shouldn’t investigate the nature of the thing you want them to flee from lies at the core of your desperate ploy to keep your sheep ignorant and fearful, and, therefore, in line. Ignore the man behind the curtain, huh?
Second, isn’t repeatedly lying to people so that they will do what you want them to do, including giving you hundreds of millions of dollars, evil? So, ironically, since we have investigated your claims for decades (I know, I know… you don’t want us to think about things – just run from them, but we tend to find the truth incredibly more reliably through investigation as opposed to fear mongering) and since we have found your claims, on the whole, to be most certainly evil, should we not all flee from…well…you?
Pat, you contribute nothing to society but fear and confusion as you leech off of the innocent and ignorant. You are a parasite.
To be clear, there are good people in the pulpits. You are not one of them. You are a demonstration of the fact that some people in the pulpits are good people, not *because* they are in the pulpit but because they are good people to begin with.
That you and your ilk exist saddens me. Thankfully, you and your kind will soon be history, and on the wrong side of it. Does it affect you in any way to know that your grandchildren and their grandchildren will be so utterly ashamed that you were one of their ancestors?
D&D has helped millions of people grow up to be wonderful people with improved imaginations, a greater ability to analyze the world around them, a greater ability to cooperate with others, and even a better understand the laws probability that help them NOT be the fearful sheep that you prey upon. That you turn D&D and anything else you know nothing about into a boogeyman by encouraging fear and discouraging information-seeking is practically criminal.
You disgust me.
What we need to do is stomp out this whole imagination thing as soon as possible. We can’t have our kids playing games that happen entirely in their imagination. Imagination is the devil.
Heh, my first thought:
“Role a skill check to see if you are able to flee. Roll a 1d20 Vs Dexterity should you be trying to physically flee, or Vs Intelligence if you are attempting to mentally flee…”
Given it is Pat Robertson, I doubt either of these statistics are rather high.
Dude can press like 400 lbs. with his legs. You sure about that?
I do flee from evil monkey boy. That’s why I don’t watch your show.
OMG! If only DRAGON Magazine was still around-THERE’S THIS MONTH’S COVER!
Clearly Pat Roberson is on a Second Edition rant. A vastly superior rant to subsequent rants.
I’m waiting for ICP to get in on this.
Fucking THAC0? How does it work?
Reminds me of a couple years ago when that idiot Glenn Beck did a screed on a Bruce Springsteen song – Born in the USA.
Back in the mid 80’s, TBN did a 3 hour “special” on the evils of D&D complete with a housewife/mon “testifying” that her kid’s figurines flew into the air and attacked her when she tried to throw them into a fire she had made in the backyard to destroy this demonic plague and how you were *required* to choose a god from the Deities and Demigods manual to follow and worship whether you wanted to or not and that you had to make sacrifices to your god to progress etc..
Possibly the funniest three hours of television ever made.
There is plenty of supernatural stuff in the Bible.
Somehow all that is genuine but everything else that is supernatural is just fake and evil.
The mad fundies have been saying that about D&D since it was first invented. But they have got it the wrong way round. It’s not that D&D gets people into the occult — it’s the occult that gets you into D&D. You start out a perfectly harmless geek, and then you get turned into a nerd :D
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