Burning nostrils, olives in noses, and Dear Abby


19 Responses to “Burning nostrils, olives in noses, and Dear Abby”

  1. chgoliz says:

    The second letter reminds me of the old joke:

    Doctor, doctor, it always hurts when I do THIS (some extreme contortion).  Doctor replies: so stop doing that.

    Personally I think it’s grounds for divorce (extreme cruelty), but if she wants to stay married to the fellow, I strongly suggest never going out to eat again.

    (I’m also wondering what level of ignorance and/or illiteracy might have caused her to write a few wrong words.  Sunset?)

    • David Pescovitz says:

      (Sorry, supposed to be “sinuses.” Brain error when I retyped from the scan.)

      • chgoliz says:

         I was wondering how she got from sinuses to sunset.

        Now I’m wondering how YOU got from sinuses to sunset!

        No, I do know: my brain makes the same errors.  I cannot listen to a conversation or songs while typing, or else the outside words I’m hearing will magically type themselves into my work.

    • Nell Anvoid says:

      Well, maybe the sunset really did look better to him after that. Martini olives: they’re not just for sinuses any more.

    • Frank Lee Scarlett says:

      I don’t know… it made me think of Neti pots and saline sinus spray. He was decades before his time!

      • TooGoodToCheck says:

        You bust out a neti pot in a restaurant and I’ll be asking for another table

      • chgoliz says:

         Did you get the same mental image of 10-12 olives in nostrils that I did? He might as well have put the *entire* Neti pot up there!

        • blueelm says:

          I  can’t figure out how anyone would fit *one* olive up there.

          I’m pretty sure this qualifies as a fetish.

  2. vonbobo says:

    I’m trying to build a profile of these people, so far all I have is that they are the same people that reply to yahoo news stories.

  3. bo1n6bo1n6 says:

    …Just be thankful he’s not trying to burn YOUR nosehair out with a match. 

  4. Ramone says:

    Dear Goldwater: Buy your husband a nosetrimmer and a fire extinguisher.

    Dear Embarrassed: Buy your husband a jar of olives and give it to him BEFORE you go out to dinner.

    There, how hard was that?

    • TooGoodToCheck says:

      I just realized, as I considered your eminently sensible solution, that what he’s really snorting isn’t olive juice – it’s mostly going to be Gin & Vermouth, with a hint of olive.

      which sounds like it would be super painful to shove up your nose.  and not great for your mucus membranes either

  5. Maybe snorting a little gin kicks the buzz up a notch. 

  6. GawainLavers says:

    Here’s some help with the SigOth noisy eating issue.

  7. welcomeabored says:

    Dear Embarrassed:

    If your husband needs that many ‘olives’ (olive brine, vodka, gin, vermouth) to clear out the mucous and boogers from his sinuses, you could try kicking it up a notch. 

    An ENT would suggest adding 1-2 drops of baby shampoo to a Neti pot/Neil-Med bottle + salt packet, and rinsing BEFORE leaving the house. This is not for extra sensitive sinuses or the faint-hearted, but most stubborn mucous will detach from the walls of nasal passages under this pressure and chemical onslaught.

    If this should fail, perhaps the services of a psychiatrist?

    Best of luck,  Abby

  8. pjcamp says:

    Man! And I always thought I had to go to Penthouse Letters for fine literature. Who knew?

  9. ScottCh says:

    I thought it was fun to chew on ice cubes when I was in my twenties.  A couple or so decades later, when I go to a new dentist I have to explain why my teeth are chipped.  They think I grind them at night.  So pay attention kids…  :-P

  10. HurfDurf says:

    I always thought taking a flame to nose hair was a perfect solution. I wonder how it worked out for him. Apparently not so well for his wife!

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