One of my favorite pastimes is storytelling. I don't have a lot of stories, but the ones I tell are really good, and my delivery has been honed and perfected over multitudinous retellings. I'm not sure that a blog is the best format for storytelling, but I'm going to give it a go. Let me know what you think in the comments.
After the jump, I will tell you the amazing TRUE story of Bozo and the Santa Claus Horror Show!
Back in the early 80s, I attended a symposium on the history of children's television at the Doheny Mansion in Hollywood. Jay North, who played Dennis the Menace on TV was speaking, and I had no interest in him, so I went out into the garden to get some fresh air. An old guy was out there all by himself leaning against the wall, so I went up and said hello and introduced myself. He introduced himself as Vance Colvig.
Although I'd never met him, I knew exactly who he was. Vance was the son of Pinto Colvig, the original Bozo the Clown and the voice of Goofy in the Disney cartoons. Vance had a similar career as Bozo the Clown on KTLA in Los Angeles and the voice of Chopper in the Yakky Doodle cartoons ("Awwwww gee, Yakky. You shouldn't-a oughta done that!")
I have always loved clowns, and here was my chance to find out the truth behind the greasepaint! So I asked Vance the obvious question… Is the "Bozo No-No" story true? Vance replied that he heard that question all the time, but he didn't know whether it was true or not. It never happened while he was Bozo in any case. Then he dropped the greatest lead in line of all time… "Of course things like that did happen… There was one thing that happened to me that was MUCH worse than that."
I wasn't going to let that go by, so I got Vance to tell me the story. Here is what he said…
Back in the day, we didn't get paid a whole heck of a lot for doing our kid's shows. So to make ends meet, we would do personal appearances on the weekends- school carnivals, supermarket openings, toy stores- anywhere that would pay us in cash. There were so many shows on the air that on Saturdays, the freeways were thick with kid's show hosts. I'd be driving East to do a show as Bozo and I'd wave out the window at Jimmy Weldon going West to do a Webster Webfoot appearance. Tom Hatten, Sheriff John Rovick, Chucko the Clown, Skipper Frank, Walker Edmiston and his puppets- There were dozens of us all scrambling for gigs on the weekends.
One day, I was sitting there at the studio and the phone rings. It's Bill Stulla, Engineer Bill. Bill says to me, "Hey Vance. I hear you're doing a show this weekend at the so-and-so supermarket in the valley." "Yes" I says… "I believe I am.". Bill says, "Whatever you do, DON'T DO THAT GIG! Let the guy sue you for breech of contract, but don't go." So I says, "Gee, why not?"
Bill says… "I played that supermarket last weekend. Let me tell you what happened… I get there and the place is wallpapered with signs saying that Engineer Bill will be there doing his magic show at noon, and at 1pm, Santa Claus will be arriving in a helicopter. So it's 12:45 and I finish up my act and go to sit down in a chair and wait for Santa to arrive. Sure enough, at 1 sharp, there's a helicopter hovering over the parking lot. I look up and there in the open door of the chopper is Santa Claus and a couple of guys dressed as elves. All of a sudden, the elves grab Santa and throw him out the door! Santa falls about 50 feet and hits, SPLAT on the asphalt- it was a dummy Santa. Two more elves run out of the market with a stretcher, throw the dummy on it and run away. The kids are all crying and wailiing- a real mess. Well, I picked up the paper this morning and I read an ad that says that Bozo is going to be at the same market this weekend and Santa is going to arrive in a helicopter. Vance, whatever you do DON'T DO THAT SHOW!."
So I thanks Bill and call up the manager of the supermarket who booked me. The guy is all friendly and excited, but I say, "See here. I hear from Bill Stulla that you plan to throw Santa Claus out of a helicopter." The manager sputters for a second, then says, "Yeah… yeah, we do. It'll be great publicity! I got the papers coming by with cameras and everything." So I says, "Well you can do all that without Bozo the Clown, 'cause I ain't coming." The manager gets all hot and starts threatening me. "I'll sue your ass, you son of a bitch! We have a contract!"
I just sit and listen to this guy holler for a minute then I say, "Hey, lissen here. I'm NOT doing your show and you can go ahead and sue me if you want. You try to find one court in this land that will find judgement against Bozo the Clown in favor of a creep that chucks Santa Claus out of a helicopter!" I hung up the phone and never heard from that guy again.
Vance Colvig plays "The Sheik of Arabay" wth his head on "I've Got A Secret"