A CPR tutor needed resuscitating when he went into cardiac arrest during class, it rained pork sausages in Florida, and a pet parrot turned canary to help convict a killer.
It’s reassuring to know that good old-fashioned tabloid stories haven’t entirely disappeared, though this week's magazines persist in offering their warped window on the world of politics.
“33 Clinton Enemies Murdered!” screams the 'Globe’ cover, asking: “Who’s Behind The Killings?” We don’t have to wait long for the answer: it’s on page 8: “Hillary Killing Her Enemies!” Cue the libel lawsuit. “Evil Clintons will do ANYTHING to bury the truth about corruption,” adds the story, which claims that “Ruthless Hillary Clinton’s secret squad of brutal assassins is quietly rubbing out her enemies.”
After citing a succession of suspicious deaths the ‘Globe’ source concedes: “No one has ever proven if any of these people were actually murdered on Bill and Hillary’s orders - but there are just too many of them to ignore!” Right. That should stand up in court.
The ‘National Enquirer’ continues its Trump-loving coverage with its cover exclusive: “Obama’s Plot to Destroy Trump!” Its source is none other than ‘Enquirer’ political columnist (a job title that must count as a career pinnacle) Dick Morris. He exposes former President Obama’s “secret war room” in Washington D.C. with its “bunker” that “reeks of sabotage, intrigue & dirty tricks.” Obama is allegedly trying to save his legislative achievements, which is hardly shocking or nefarious. The ‘Enquirer’ even quotes “political maverick Roger Stone” allegedly confirming the existence of an “Obama war room,” explaining “The Obamas are desperate to return to power. Barack intends to insert his wife as president.” Because former presidents have the authority to declare their spouse the next president? Is that really how it works, Roger?
“Gotcha!” yells the ‘Globe’ headline (echoing the infamous headline in the ‘Sun’ when Britain sunk Argentine warship the ‘General Belgrano' during the Falklands War) reporting on U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents arresting 114 “vicious crooks and perverts” in a New York raid, The 11-day operation was “spearheaded by Donald Trump,” reports the ‘Globe,’ which implies that he was out on the raids wearing a SWAT flak jacket and carrying a battering ram, rather than just ranting repeatedly about criminal immigrants. But ICE officials have declined to say if many of those arrested were picked up at courthouses - a self-selecting group that would give the false impression that the majority of immigrants picked up in raids are criminals, and a practice denounced by legal aid groups.
But you can't argue with a publication that on the same cover reports on Brad Pitt’s marital split keeping him from his daughter: “Shiloh: 323 Days Without Daddy!” That’s an awfully long time for an 11-year-old not to see her father. Except when you read the story on page 4, the ‘Enquirer’ reports: “Brad has weekly supervised visits with all the kids . . . “ So, it’s actually been no more than seven days since Shiloh last saw her father? That’s close to 323 days, isn’t it?
‘Titanic’ movie stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet “take their romance off-screen,” claims the ‘Enquirer,’ assuring: “It’s Real Love!” Poolside photos show DiCaprio with his arm around Winslet’s shoulder, while she has slipped an arm across his back. Why, they could almost be old friends. The fact that Winslet is married, and that DiCaprio has an appetite for supermodels half his age seems to have been ignored.
Back in the real world, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s “divorce is off” according to ‘Us’ magazine, which quotes a less-than-convincing unnamed source saying: “It wouldn’t be surprising if they announced that they’re calling it off and trying to work things out.”
‘People’ magazine’s cover girl this week is TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ Rachel Lindsay, who explains why she chose to give her final rose to Bryan Abasolo: “I followed my heart.” Does that mean she ignored her head, and all the voices of logic that told her not to get engaged to a man after only two months of public serial cheating with 30 other men?
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Jennifer Garner wore it best, Cat Deeley loves cheese (“the stinkier the better”), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at Whole Foods, ride rollercoasters, and play with their pets. Actress Lili Simmons carries bamboo reusable eating utensils, pink Beats headphones and rose quartz from Sedona “that reminds me to love and stay grounded” in her Louis Vuitton purse, How does rose quartz help you stay grounded - unless you carry 200 pounds of the mineral in your purse? Try getting that off the ground.
Or 15 pounds of Italian pork sausage, which is what inexplicably fell from the sky and landed on the roof of a South Florida family, according to the ‘National Examiner,’ which also brings us the story of CPR instructor David Knowles who had to tell his students how to save his life when he suffered a heart attack while teaching a class in Exeter, Britain. Both stories, sounding implausible, are of course among the few accurate reports in this week’s tabloids, as is the ‘Enquirer’ story about the parrot which apparently witnessed a Michigan woman killing her husband and whose repeated squawks of “Don’t shoot!” helped convict her.
What is the world coming to if the most inane stories in the tabloids are actually true?
Onwards and downwards . . .