Earth faces comet catastrophe, in this week’s tabloids

J. Edgar Hoover killed President Kennedy, O.J. Simpson aims to murder Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, and JonBenet Ramsey’s babysitter tells all, in this week’s reality-divorced tabloids.

JonBenet’s babysitter Kristine Griffin tells the ‘Globe': “The parents didn’t do it - but I know who did.” But she refuses to identify the killer. So much for telling all.

O.J., weeks from going free on parole, is “hell-bent on revenge,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,’ which is a step back from recent tabloid stories that claimed Simpson plans to murder everyone who ever doubted his innocence. Incapable of inventing a motive for O.J.’s murderous rage, a dubiously unnamed source muses: “O.J. blames Kris for everything. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s all her fault.”

Why would FBI director Hoover put a hit out on JFK? “He was being fired for blackmailing prez,” reports the ‘Globe,’ helpfully adding: “Lee Harvey Oswald was on his payroll!” How did they slip that conspiracy past the Warren Commission? Hoover blackmailed the Commissioners with dirt on every one of the investigators. It sounds obvious once it’s explained, doesn’t it?

You have to admire the ‘National Examiner’ for its story on actress Betty White explaining why, at 95, “I’ll never get plastic surgery.” Presumably it’s because the chance to look 20 years younger doesn’t sound that appealing. Why would she want to compete with a bunch of 75-year-old actors when she has the 95-year-old market locked up?

The ‘Examiner’ has come late to the tabloid realization that the British Royal family rarely sue, no matter how egregious the story, and this week devotes its cover to “William Catches Camilla Cheating!” Naturally, the Queen “has demanded Charles get an immediate divorce from his power-hungry wife - and banish her from the kingdom forever.” As if it’s an episode of 'Game of Thrones.’ It’s a shame that this same affair claim appeared in May, 2015, in the ‘Globe,’ which alleged that Charles and Camilla had an explosive fight over her fling with an unnamed British actor. Except the affair didn’t exist then, and it doesn’t exist now, much as the British Royal press pack would love it.

The ‘Enquirer’ stays with the Royals, revealing Prince William’s “Secret American Lover” - a woman who may or may not have been his girlfriend 13 years ago, before he met his bride, Kate Middleton. “Taylor Swift Child Abuse Shocker!” is a great headline, though the story has little to do with Tay Tay - her former “high school crush” supposedly admitted assaulting a child. Does everyone in her life only exist to provide inspiration for her songs? Look out for her next hit: ‘I Loved You Once, But Now You’re Choking Kids.'

For the first time in months the tabloids are Trump-free this week - perhaps because President Trump’s Tweets and public rants are more surreal than anything the tabloids can invent? The 'Enquirer,’ however, could not resist reporting on President Obama’s “Girls Gone Wild!” claiming that “sex-crazed Malia and Sasha get down and dirty.” No political motivation behind that report, I’m sure. In the celebrity magazines everything old is new again. ‘Us’ mag reaches back 20 years with Princess Diana to bring us “Her Untold Story.” Heard it all before. ‘People’ reaches back even further, to offer “The Secret Life of Aubrey Hepburn.” Not secret, and it doesn’t seem new; just long-forgotten.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to inform us that Jessie James Decker wore it best (or at least, she showed the most cleavage), that Spice Girl Emma Bunton “can tap and say the alphabet backward,” that fashion designer Olivia Palmero carries four phone chargers, a spare cashmere sweater and bobby pins in her Meli Melo bucket bag, and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, haul groceries and pay for parking (at least, when their chauffeurs aren’t driving them around, feeding their meters, and taking their personal assistants to shop for them.)

Once again, we rely on the ‘Examiner’ to bring us back to reality with its report that ‘Earth Faces Comet Catastrophe!” Evidently a “vast number of giant rogue bodies could wipe out humanity.” Apparently that’s not a reference to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon in Speedos, but to NASA research showing there are "seven times as many large comets ripping through the outer edge of the solar system than previously believed.” Yet again, this story is mostly accurately reported - though the comets in question aren’t exactly heading Earthwards any time soon. What is becoming of this tawdry tabloid? If it keeps reporting true stories, I’m going to have to stop buying it.

Onwards and downwards . . .

Image: Wikipedia/Ben Crowder