Earth faces comet catastrophe, in this week’s tabloids

J. Edgar Hoover killed President Kennedy, O.J. Simpson aims to murder Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, and JonBenet Ramsey’s babysitter tells all, in this week’s reality-divorced tabloids.

JonBenet’s babysitter Kristine Griffin tells the ‘Globe': “The parents didn’t do it - but I know who did.” But she refuses to identify the killer. So much for telling all.

O.J., weeks from going free on parole, is “hell-bent on revenge,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,’ which is a step back from recent tabloid stories that claimed Simpson plans to murder everyone who ever doubted his innocence. Incapable of inventing a motive for O.J.’s murderous rage, a dubiously unnamed source muses: “O.J. blames Kris for everything. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s all her fault.”

Why would FBI director Hoover put a hit out on JFK? “He was being fired for blackmailing prez,” reports the ‘Globe,’ helpfully adding: “Lee Harvey Oswald was on his payroll!” How did they slip that conspiracy past the Warren Commission? Hoover blackmailed the Commissioners with dirt on every one of the investigators. It sounds obvious once it’s explained, doesn’t it?

You have to admire the ‘National Examiner’ for its story on actress Betty White explaining why, at 95, “I’ll never get plastic surgery.” Presumably it’s because the chance to look 20 years younger doesn’t sound that appealing. Why would she want to compete with a bunch of 75-year-old actors when she has the 95-year-old market locked up?

The ‘Examiner’ has come late to the tabloid realization that the British Royal family rarely sue, no matter how egregious the story, and this week devotes its cover to “William Catches Camilla Cheating!” Naturally, the Queen “has demanded Charles get an immediate divorce from his power-hungry wife - and banish her from the kingdom forever.” As if it’s an episode of 'Game of Thrones.’ It’s a shame that this same affair claim appeared in May, 2015, in the ‘Globe,’ which alleged that Charles and Camilla had an explosive fight over her fling with an unnamed British actor. Read the rest

FBI traced a 'fake news' disinfo attack on Election Day from Russia, CNN reports

The FBI monitored social media on Election Day 2016 to try and trace the source of a suspected Russian disinformation campaign that used "fake news," CNN reports.

Read the rest

Putin’s love slave, White House rocked by sex scandal, and what Sharknado 5 star Cassie Scarbo carries in her purse, in this week’s tabloids

Vladimir Putin’s "American love slave tells all,” President Trump “can foil Mueller’s dark mission," and “sex romps rock White House,” in this week’s fact-challenged tabloids.

Politics has always been show-business with consequences, and this week’s tabloids are no exception. The ‘National Enquirer,’ which brings us its “Political Sex Scandal Hall of Shame” - All Stars include Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and the irrepressible Anthony Weiner - reports that “President Donald Trump has been rocked by a sleazy sex scandal after a top aide was caught cheating on his wife - with a hottie younger than his own daughters!”

While trying to fathom how the term “hottie” was exhumed from 1950s porn magazines, what’s most remarkable is that the Trump-loving ‘Enquirer’ would expend an ounce of ink criticizing their beloved Commander in Chief. But of course, that’s not what they’re doing. This “shocking revelation” is allegedly about former election campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who Trump is desperately trying to put in his rear view mirror, having been exposed for links to Russia, and attending Donald Trump Jr's infamous meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya, hoping to find dirt on Hillary Clinton. It’s clearly another indication of how Trump can turn on his former aides, that Manafort’s alleged infidelity “romping with his 33-year-old mistress in the bedroom he shares with his wife” can become fodder for celebrity-hungry ‘Enquirer’ readers.

‘Enquirer’ political columnist Dick Morris claims that special counselor Robert Mueller “has shown he is determined to bring Trump down, and will stop at nothing.” No hyperbole there, Dick? Read the rest

Tabloids’ stock-in-trade is celebrity body shaming

You can’t win with the tabloids. You’re either too fat, too thin, or hiding a deadly secret.

This week’s tabloids continue their obsession with the stars’ weight, led by the ‘National Enquirer’ and its team of reporters expertly trained by years working in “Guess Your Weight” booths at county fair midways.

Its cover story on Angelina Jolie declares: “78 lb Angie Skin & Bones!” while showing photos of her looking much the same as ever. “She looks like she’s lost more than 10 pounds in just seven days,” says an unidentified “horrified pal."

Meanwhile the ‘Enquirer’ claims of diva Mariah Carey: “263 lb Mariah Too Fat To Walk!” Seriously? “Mariah Carey is now so fat her handlers have to wheel her on to the stage on a bed or Jet Ski!” it reports. Does that sound like a medical condition, or could that just be showmanship? If she really couldn’t walk, wouldn’t a wheelchair be easier than pushing her around on a Jet Ski?

The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton only has to have a large lunch for the ‘Enquirer’ to declare “Kate Preggers Again!” after being pictured with the slightest "belly bump.” Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie’s “bulging belly” also drives the mag to declare her “pregnant and homeless."

Singer Katy Perry is apparently neither too fat or too thin, so she’s therefore “sex-starved” and “booze-soaked,” according to the ‘Enquirer,’ which is their interpretation of the fact that she’s not in a relationship and had a glass of wine with lunch. Read the rest

Heavy social media use leads to a wider variety of news sources

Most people don't look at any news, or at one news site; using social media a lot (even without the intention of looking for news) means that sometimes you'll end up clicking a news link -- so heavy social media users, on average, are consuming a wider media diet than those who do not use social media. Read the rest

Celebrity cosmetic surgery, secret hookups, and a baby black market, all in this week’s tabloids

Did Tom Cruise buy babies on the black market? Did Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have a secret Bahamas getaway? Has Queen Elizabeth refused to bless Prince Harry’s wedding?

When have the tabloids ever been wrong?

It's yet another week of fact-challenged stories in the dubious tabloids and celebrity magazines.

Barbra Streisand has allegedly undergone $360,000-worth of cosmetic surgery to rebuild her face and “save her crumbling marriage” so that she is now “totally unrecognizable,” reports the ‘Globe.’ The mag unhelpfully includes a photo of the new-look Streisand who is unmistakably recognizable as the famed diva.

Also allegedly rebuilding her face is “plastic surgery junkie” Melanie Griffith, who in a “desperate bid to live to 100” has returned to the ACQUA Klinik in Germany to receive stem cell treatments, reports the ’National Enquirer.' But even if the treatments succeed in making the actress look younger, they aren’t intended to prolong life - that’s pure tabloid fantasy - they’re supposed to make her appear younger.

‘Us’ magazine devotes its cover and four inside pages to Affleck and Garner’s “Secret Bahamas Reunion!” So secret was their rendezvous that it’s also pictured extensively in the ‘Enquirer’ (“Ben & Jen’s Hookup in Paradise!”), which touts the story as an ‘Enquirer Exclusive.’ From the photos it’s plain that they’re not hiding from the paparazzi. No secrets to hide here.

Did Tom Cruise, John Travolta and other celebrities adopt babies in “Scientology’s baby black market’ as the ‘Enquirer’ claims? Its breaking news about events 20 years ago claims that the stars adopted children through an unlicensed broker - but buried deep within the “ten-month investigation” report is an admission that the adoptions were ultimately handled by an attorney “to be done correctly” - completely undercutting the story. Read the rest

Trump’s White House hit list, America’s most hated mom, and sex scandals, in this week’s tabloids

Breaking up is hard to do, and in the tabloid world it’s prohibitively expensive too. Prince Charles and Camilla are in the midst of a “$250 million divorce,” claims the ‘Globe’ front page, though the story inside admits: “ . . . she’s telling friends she’s willing to settle for $25 million.” So it’s not a $250 million divorce at all, is it?

Meanwhile, bombastic broadcaster Rush Limbaugh is in the midst of a “$470 million divorce shocker,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,” which suggests - erroneously - that Limbaugh is worth more than Prince Charles. And what would his wife Kathryn settle for?

Not to be left out, Julia Roberts has a “$225 million divorce looming,” asserts the ‘Globe,’ which has been flogging this dead horse for several years. I imagine that Roberts stays with hubby Danny Moder just to spite the tabloids. Or perhaps divorce is simply too expensive?

Sabotaged planes are also on tabloid minds this week. After actress Jennifer Lawrence’s private plane was forced to make an emergency landing recently, the ‘National Enquirer’ asks: “Was it sabotage?” Could her jet have been tampered with “by a shadowy group of revenge-seeking hackers” after she has spoken out vociferously against hackers?

There’s a simple rule in the tabloids: If a headline ends in a question mark, then the answer is always: No. These publications are routinely willing to state with categorical assurance anything that they vaguely suspect could have happened. When the tabloids are dubious enough about their own stories to end the headline with a question mark, you can be sure that even they can’t believe they’re writing this crap. Read the rest

Space ship found in ice, Hillary’s boozing, and why Ivanka disagrees with Donald, in this week’s tabloids

We can thank global warming for at least one piece of good news: the retreating ice pack has revealed the remains of an alien space ship hidden for millennia beneath Antarctic snow. And that’s about as factual as this week’s tabloids get in yet another truth-challenged week’s reporting.

JonBenet Ramsey’s killer has been found (allegedly a “jailed sex pervert” being protected by police), Priscilla Presley has called off her wedding to “sex perv” singer Tom Jones (as if that was ever going to happen), and Prince Charles’ wife Camilla “runs for her life” terrified that he will “shut her mouth ‘permanently’ like his murdered first wife Princess Diana,” according to the facts-be-damned ‘Globe.’

Tiger Woods is in a “tragic death spiral” after his DUI arrest, and “friends fear the fallen idol may be suicidal,” claims an unnamed source.

A word of advice to ‘Globe’ reporters: People don’t usually talk in rabid tabloid headlines, so it’s hard to believe that anyone actually said: “His shocking mug shot is the face of a man who’s lost everything and doesn’t know where to turn. There are fears he may kill himself!” His mug shot is far from “shocking” - it’s the face of a bleary-eyed guy who’d rather be back in bed letting his attorneys clean up his mess. And he knows exactly where to turn: to the right, for his profile mug shot photo.

It’s enough to drive any editor to drink, which is perhaps why boozing celebrities remain an obsession at the ‘Globe,’ which claims that Hillary Clinton is “chugging two bottles of wine every day,” and that Prince Charles’ wife Camilla “has been guzzling anything she can get her hands on” as “constant fear fuels her nonstop drinking.”

Former ‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry is “fat & sloppy” reports the ‘National Enquirer,’ world-renown as the ultimate arbiter of high fashion and healthy weight maintenance, where any celebrity who gains an extra pound must “diet or die,” or if they lose a single pound are condemned for “starving themselves to death.”

Angelina Jolie took four of her children to visit the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, bringing along two other kids, prompting the ‘Enquirer’ to speculate that “she plans to grow her family without Brad.” Because there’s no way the additional children could simply be friends of her kids, is there?. Read the rest

Tracing a fake news story, from parody site to FoxNews.com

How does a clearly fake story about a Russian warplane and a United States Navy destroyer end up as a FoxNews.com story? The NY Times traces it, from its origin on a parody website, to Facebook, to Russian TV, to The Sun (British tabloid), to FoxNews.com.

The Sun at least hinted at problems with the story, calling it a “bizarre propaganda report” and quoting the Pentagon denying that General Gorenc had commented. Another tabloid, The Daily Express, later posted an article suggesting World War III might be at hand.

FoxNews.com soon picked up The Sun’s version of the story. Refet Kaplan, the managing editor of FoxNews.com, said the story was considered “not as a serious report on Russia’s military capability, but as another example of Russian media hyperbole.” That was not set out in the headline or the article, other than an oblique reference to the original as “propaganda.”

After The New York Times asked about the article, it was deleted from the FoxNews.com website (archive.org copy).

Read the rest

What Megyn Kelly is hiding, Bill Cosby found guilty, and Tom Cruise’s hair plugs, in this week’s dubious tabloids

If the ads in the ‘National Enquirer’ are any indiction, its readers are overweight Elvis and KISS fans with hairy legs, have drug addicted kids, can’t get into their bathtubs unaided, are afraid of falling over and not getting up, and collect statues of the Virgin Mary, Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West.

Judging by the number of weight loss ads, I’m guessing they’ll swallow anything - even what passes for news in this week’s fact-challenged tabloids.

“Megyn Kelly: What She’s Hiding!” screams the cover of the ‘Enquirer,’ claiming to reveal her “criminal past & bitter divorce!” But she’s not hiding either. The former Fox News anchor confessed on air back in 2011 to shoplifting at Kmart when she was 12 years old, when her mother made her take purloined earrings back to the store and apologize to the manager. And how is she “hiding” her divorce, when it’s in public court records and has been widely reported? She has also undergone a “$1.4 million plastic surgery transformation” claims the ‘Enquirer,’ based on an “expert” who believes she has had a boob job, nose job, and facial fillers. I haven’t done the math, but I suspect she’d have to have those same procedures every month for four years to rack up that sort of medical bill. Evidently quitting Fox for NBC has made it open season on Kelly.

Pamela Anderson, meanwhile, has had her face “destroyed by plastic surgery,” claims the ‘Enquirer,’ despite looking as beautiful as ever. Read the rest

Killer bug threatens life on Earth, why Comey had to go, and other weighty issues in this weeks tabs

It's another week of weighty issues in the tabloids, with heavy politics and underweight celebrities hogging the headlines.

"Bag of bones Angelina Jolie" is an anorexic 91 pounds and must "rehab or die!" proclaims the 'Globe,' only three weeks after stablemate the 'National Enquirer' reported that the actress "looks healthier than she has in months" and had "regained an estimated 53 pounds."

The 'Globe' squad of fun-fair midway-trained "Guess Your Weight" experts also report "99-lb Lisa Marie Presley Dying!" as "friends fear she's killing herself with drugs." Because in Hollywood friends live in constant fear for their celebrity pals.

Singer Tony Bennett "has 5 weeks to live . . . friends fear," reports the 'Globe.' Evidently he's too weak to snap his fingers as he sings, which "pals fear" means the end is near. Or maybe at 90 the crooner simply has a touch of arthritis?

Another singer, Jessica Simpson, has gained a little weight, and her modest stomach paunch prompts the 'Enquirer' to report that she is "pregnant to save marriage!" Or maybe she's just eaten too many Burger King Double Whoppers? The magazine even found a New York doctor to say that based on a couple of photos "she certainly looks at least three months along" - a time at which most women are barely showing.

Heavyweight politics dominates the 'Enquirer,' which devotes two pages to former FBI director James Comey: "A Victim - Or A Villain?" Former White House advisor Dick Morris answers that question for the 'Enquirer,' in his column: "Why Prez Had to Fire FBI Boss." The reason? Read the rest

Fox retracts hoax story about Seth Rich murder

While the world was agog at the news that President Trump had leaked sensitive, classified information to a Russian diplomat, the rightosphere was going bonkers over an old, dumb conspiracy theory that Seth Rich, a young DNC staffer who was murdered in DC, had been assassinated in retaliation for leaking DNC emails to Wikileaks. Read the rest

Trump saves America, Hillary caught fleeing, and drugs, sex and lies at Fox News, in this week’s tabloids

It's yet another fun-filled, fact-challenged week in the tabloids.

Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin have been "caught fleeing the country," FBI files expose Debbie Reynolds' "secret gay life," and singer Cher needs a liver transplant "in order to cheat death!" according to the 'Globe.'

"The shocking photo proof!" screams the Globe cover, beside a snap of Hillary and her aide descending an aircraft stairway, reportedly about to flee to Bahrain amid the Benghazi scandal.

But the photo was actually taken at Van Nuys airport, California, on August 22, 2016, as the duo arrived in Los Angeles to attend a taping of 'Jimmy Kimmel Live.' I'm pretty sure that if you're flying from Washington, D.C. that Bahrain is in the opposite direction.

More bizarre, the 'Globe' ran this same story back in February, claiming that Hillary was caught trying to flee America to avoid indictment by a grand jury. But this week's cover now has photographic "proof" - of Hillary landing in Van Nuys. Great investigative work, guys.

Debbie Reynolds' "secret gay life" amounts to one alleged entry in her FBI files, reportedly claiming that an unnamed informant told investigators that her ex-husband Eddie Fisher was homosexual, and Reynolds "engaged in both normal and homosexual relations." What more proof could one ask? Perhaps a photo of Reynolds arriving at Van Nuys airport might clinch the deal?

And does Cher need a liver transplant? The tabloids love to find a "top doctor" who has not treated the stars to offer a diagnosis based on photos, but the 'Globe' now has its new toy: the Institute of BioAcoustic Biology, which claims it can diagnose ailments by analyzing a patient's voice. Read the rest

Obama is gay, Hillary will die in prison, and real-life hobbits discovered, in this week's tabloids

Two weeks after the 'National Enquirer' promised "World War 3 is coming!" the president's favorite media mouthpiece announces: "Trump's Plan For World Peace!" As plans go, it's a doozy.

Read the rest

Scaly giants in California, White House ghosts, and Kim Kardashian's exploding butt, in this week's tabloids

Kim Kardashian's bubble butt is going to explode, Aretha Franklin is "too fat to live," Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner is "days from death," and Kirstie Alley "sacrifices infant to cult," according to this week's 'National Enquirer.'

Who needs facts when we have the tabloids? Though it's hard to fault the 'Enquirer' cover branding former Fox TV's Bill O'Reilly a "liar & perv."

But let's consider the facts, or lack of them . . .

Allie is a Scientologist, but carrying her baby grandson to a street barbecue in Clearwater, Florida, does not constitute sacrificing him, nor serving him up at a feast.

Let's start the clock on Hefner's death watch - remember, we're still waiting for Nick Nolte to pop his clogs after the 'Globe' gave him "four weeks to live" almost a year ago. Is Kardashian's derriere "going to burst" as the 'Enquirer' claims? She hasn't been studied by surgeons, but a medical analysis expert who claims to diagnose disease by listening to a patient's voice, has concluded that the reality TV star "is battling an incurable disease - that could lead to her lower limbs exploding in a bloated mass of fat."

And speaking of a bloated mass of fat, is it really news that ill O'Reilly is a "liar and perv"? After millions in payouts to sexual harassment accusers, that point seems moot.

Soul queen Aretha has reportedly lost 102 pounds, "but it's not enough!" laments the caring, compassionate 'Enquirer,' which claims she must lose more weight "if she wanted to survive." (Why the past tense, I wonder? Read the rest

Ex-Fox News host: when I filed a sexual harassment claim against Ailes, the company hacked and stalked me

In a federal complaint against Fox News, former Outnumbered host Andrea Tantaros claims that after she filed a sexual harassment claim against the former CEO Roger Ailes, Fox News contracted with a psyops team to set up a "black room" to run a hate campaign that targeted her by cyberstalking her, implanting malware on her computer, and libeling her on "fake news" sites. Read the rest

Aliens destroyed life on Mars, now Trump’s poised to do the same to Earth, in this week’s tabloids

It's good to see this week's tabloids getting back to the really important news.

"Aliens Nuked All Life Off Of Mars!" proclaims the 'National Examiner,' which also brings us the more earth-bound revelation that disgraced President Richard Nixon, while happy to meet with Elvis Presley, "ordered hits on Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison."

It's important news like this that distracts us from the 'National Enquirer' cover this week, which with characteristic restraint screams: "World War 3 Is Coming!" But fear not - the 'Enquirer' brings us a "step-by-step" guide to "How Trump will crush our eight enemies!" Eight, indeed. No slouch, our Commander in Chief will "launch a coordinated campaign across five continents that will wipe out America's enemies in one fell swoop!" And those are the best kind of swoops.

It's the sort of bombast we've come to expect from North Korea, but it's troubling to find such bellicosity (yet again) in the pages of a publication that boasts better connections to the White House than 'The New York Times.' Our enemies? North Korea and ISIS, naturally. Syria will be nuked - that'll put Trump in the history books, if there are any that survive the ensuing global conflagration.

But then the 'Enquirer' battle plans get a little hazy. Iran will be hit by severe sanctions. U.S. troops will maneuver along the border with Russia to prevent their intervention. Boko Haram in Nigeria and al-Shabaab in Somalia will be targeted. ISIS and al-Qaeda cells in Spain, France, Germany and Italy will be hit. Read the rest

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