It's a throw-back to the good ole days of aliens in the White House, Bat Boy and Sasquatch sightings in this week's facts-be-damned tabloids.
A "bloodthirsty devil boy intent on murder has crossed over into the land of the living – again," reports the Globe. This "demon child's ghost is trying to murder me!" claims New York designer Adam Ellis, who admits that the "evil entity" came to him in a dream, but left his arm bruised. Because nobody has ever knocked their arm during the day and woken the next morning to find a bruise that seemed to magically appear overnight. The ghost, which only appears in his dreams, is "wreaking havoc in his home" – meaning that his cats jump over something invisible. "I sort of feel like I'm losing my mind," says Ellis. So are the editors of the Globe, apparently.
"Selena Gomez Stole My Kidney!" claims a National Enquirer report claiming that patients on the transplant list are angered that the pop singer "used her celeb status to push her way to a life-saving kidney." Except she didn't jump any list – her close friend, actress Francia Raisa, donated a kidney to Gomez. Of course, no irate patients are identified, though the Enquirer attributes the story to "one righteously disgruntled angry person [who] posted on social media." Right.
The Enquirer also brings us "The Psychic Picasso," a Brazilian "psychic painter" who channels dead artists including Renoir, Picasso, Manet and Modigliani to paint masterpieces with his eyes tightly closed – except the art looks like the work of an art school drop-out. And what are all these dead European artists doing in Brazil? Is the afterlife better on Copacabana beach?
A Russian team is sending human corpses into space because it "wants aliens to bring dead back to life," claims the National Examiner. While it's true that Russian cryogenics company KrioRus recently announced an agreement with science consortium Space Technologies to develop cryonic storage of human remains in orbit – a move which itself makes little sense, since bodies can be stored for a fraction of the price on Earth – it's a wild leap of the imagination to expect aliens to find the dead bodies and revive them.
It makes as much sense as the Examiner story claiming there are "10 Elvis Love Children Grabbing His Fortune." While it's true that there have been numerous people claiming to be Presley's illegitimate children, all have long since been either litigated and dismissed or settled out of court, so there's nobody left to "threaten his legitimate daughter Lisa Marie's legacy."
It's as realistic as the Globe "world exclusive" claiming to reveal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un's plans for a $1 billion 15,000 sq ft bunker 250 feet underground, complete with swimming pool, gun range, gym, basketball court, ping pong and billiards room, home theatre, wine cellar, media suite and vintage car museum. Because when news is smuggled out of North Korea, the Globe is there first. Ignoring for one moment the fact that former North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il spent years building a massive underground bunker inside Mount Baekdusan designed to store helicopters and fighter jets, while allowing access to nearby China in the event that fleeing is the only option, it's hard to imagine that the Globe plan is accurate and there is only one room for the "servant quarters." Seriously, if "Rocket Boy" were actually constructing such a lavish underground mansion, servants quarters would occupy dozens of rooms. They can't even make this stuff up properly.
The Enquirer does little better in concocting its cover exclusive on a "Plot to Kidnap Prince George!" Inspired by the recent arrest of a Royal "superfan" who tried to gain entry to the Thomas's Battersea School in London while no children were present, the Enquirer extrapolates on the possibilities to conclude "England's four-year-old future king was targeted by terrorists who intended to hold him for a $50 million ransom!" The first clue that this is errant nonsense comes with the words: "Enquirer World Exclusive," because there's no way that a Royal exclusive or Scotland Yard exclusive would first break in an American tabloid. The second clue comes in the terrorists' proposed ransom of $50 million: It's a nice round figure in America, but since this is happening in Britain, the terrorists would be demanding payment in pounds – and who asks for £37.35 million pounds?
And of course the tabloids bring us their usual nonsense: The Enquirer tells us that actress Meg Ryan is suffering an "anorexia horror" because recent photos make her appear thin, Lindsay Lohan's "face is a Halloween fright" thanks to "tons of filler and nonstop cosmetic work," and Ben Affleck's girlfriend Lindsay Shookus is allegedly pregnant, because she has the slightest stomach paunch in recent photos. The Globe piles in on Paula Abdul's alleged "bulimia hell" because she has reportedly lost 30 lbs "in just a month." As ever, it's thanks to the miracle of spyware implanted in bathroom scales in every celebrity bathroom in Hollywood that the Globe can bring us such accurate reporting, and their experts can tell just by studying photographs whether a star is suffering from anorexia or bulimia. That's something they just can't teach you at the Columbia School of Journalism.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Jaimie Alexander wore it best, that Shania Twain's "favorite place to listen to music is inside the horse barn,'" that TV's Black-ish star Yara Shahidi carries an uncut amethyst, a Buddha statue and essential oils in her 3.1 Phillip Lin bucket bag (don't we all?), and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, browse their laptops at coffeeshops, and play golf. Riveting stuff, as ever.
Real Housewife of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice dominates the Us cover this week, explaining "Why I haven't divorced Joe" despite her husband having been jailed for the past 18 months. So why hasn't she filed for divorce? "I am giving him a chance," she says. "That's why I'm standing by him." Wow. I never saw that coming.
People magazine devotes its cover to "Pioneer woman Ree Drummond," promising she will tell as about "food, fame and life on the ranch." Yes, she's a celebrity chef, who went from "ranch housewife to culinary superstar," which is in keeping with the "19 pages of America's favorite foods" that People also brings us this week. I can understand how pizza and pasta are among America's favorite foods, but confetti biscotti? And what about Ayesha Curry? Oh, wait – that's not a dish; she's the wife of NBA star Stephen Curry, and she's offering her recipe for pork chops with apples.
For those seeking respite from such frippery, the Examiner offers the week's real hard news: the piglet that comforts a sickly kitten; two albino giraffes found in Kenya; and a German shepherd and border collie mix that finds earthworms crawling across the road, gently picks them up in her mouth, and carries them to safety on the grass. No comment from the worms on how they feel about this.
Onwards and downwards . . .