Amazon Alexa turned me into a prepper

My home is lightly blanketed with Amazon Echo Dot listening stations. I tried to use Alexa, the digital assistant to re-order my favorite black tea. Now I am ready for the zombie apocalypse.

When I was younger and worked in advertising, I measured time in toothpicks. Generally, a dirty martini took me around 20 minutes to finish and came with 1 toothpick and three olives. These days I keep a small dish next to my stove where I place spent tea bags. I used to move them directly to the trash, but have long since decided I should monitor my intake and keep the bags visible till I'm done with the day's black tea. I was not surprised to learn I spend 4 hours drinking 3-4 cups each morning. I also had confirmation of my "about one 80-bag box per month" habit.

Looking into my cupboard, I noticed I was well into my last box of Barry's and decided I'd better reorder! I did try to re-use a teabag and make a second cup of Barry's from it, but this did not taste right. I also attempted to reuse the first two spent bags to make a third cup. This also failed. I do find that if I use a tea pot, it'll make 3 cups from 2 bags well, but you leave the bags in to steep the entire time and I'm headed down a rathole here… anyways, I was low on tea.

I decided to order some tea right then and there via Alexa. Alexa haunts my home via several Echo Dot listening stations, and my Fire 10 HD tablet.

I really wish I could change the "Alexa" keyword to "Spirits from BEYOND! AWAKE!"

Loudly, I proclaimed "Alexa, please reorder Barry's Gold Blend tea." The ghost of orders past then repeated my last tea purchase: 2 boxes of Barry's Gold blend tea. Alexa subsequently asked for confirmation. My polite reply? "Please."

Do not get all fucking fancy with Alexa. The digital assistant got cranky. No-nonsense Alexa told me she didn't understand and needed a "yes" or "no" reply. Then Alexa apparently ditched the order. We started over and this time I stuck to "Yes." All would be well, and all would be well.

Nearly everything I've ordered like this is now stockpiled at the house. I tried to use Alexa for toilet paper and now I am ready to trade rolls of Charmin for medical care in the coming post-apocalyptic Trump nightmare US. Somehow, I received 4 36 roll cases when I wanted one. I also have a subscription to Bounty paper towels that is sadly contributary to the deforestation of several Amazonian rainforests. I wanted a case, now I get a case every 4-6 weeks. I also have around 6 tubes of my favorite repetitive stress inflammation fighting creme. When the zombies attack, I will be able to smash skulls longer. I've almost exhausted the dog treats I over-ordered.

A day or so later I considered going to the one local market that stocks Barry's, as my box was running low. I held off as I knew Amazon would deliver soon. I'd seen some delivery updates in my email box, however I didn't read them carefully. Then I checked my mailbox and found 2 boxes of 80 teabags! Huzzah, I was set for another month. It worked.

The next day I got two more boxes.

Today I found two more.

I am sure I am doing this all wrong.

Having 5 spare boxes of black tea on the bench isn't such a bad thing, but I won't need tea for 6 months if society can just hold on