There is no better proof of superstring theory positing up to 26 dimensions than this week’s tabloids, in which the headlines and the stories beneath them clearly live in entirely different universes. The British Royals fall headlong into this space-time discontinuum, led by Britain’s Prince Harry in the National Enquirer under the headline: "Harry Trapped in Hooker & Drug Scandal!”
How exactly is Harry trapped with drugs and prostitutes? He isn’t, at least not in any dimension known to humanity.
His father-in-law, Thomas Markle Sr, aged 74, reportedly tells the Enquirer that in the 1970s and ‘80s he occasionally sampled cocaine – an admission he first made months ago – and that while in the Philippines, “I never paid for sex.” No mention of prostitutes, and no “hooker scandal.”
How do Markle’s drug admission and hooker denial “trap” Harry? The Enquirer claims that Markle’s “repugnant antics could end his gorgeous daughter’s fairytale marriage to Prince Harry!” That’s the sort of stretch you expect to see when being pulled apart at a molecular level after passing a singularity and falling into a black hole, which may well be where this week’s tabloids belong.
“Royal Blood Feud Explodes!” claims the Globe, with its cover headline: “Royals at War! Kate & Meghan’s Vicious Catfight With Fergie’s Girls!” Have the Royal women been pulling each others' hair and scratching their eyes out? Far worse, according to the Globe.
Princess Eugenie (Prince Andrew’s daughter by ex-wife Sarah Ferguson, for those who don’t religiously follow every episode of the Royal soap opera) invited more guests to her wedding on October 12 than Meghan Markle did at the same venue – supposedly an insult designed to “upstage” Duchess Meghan. And “as an extra slap in the face” Eugenie has "named Harry’s former lover Cressida Bonas as a bridesmaid!” No, she hasn’t. Bonas hasn’t even been confirmed as a wedding guest let alone a bridesmaid, though she is likely to attend, since Eugenie and Cressida have been friends for many years. In fact, it was Eugenie who introduced her pal Cressida to Prince Harry in 2012. There’s no catfight, no scandal, nothing to see here, move along . . .
Jennifer Aniston gets the same treatment in the Enquirer story under the headline: “Jen Trapped in Honeymoon Murder Hell!” Who did the Friends star kill this time? Nobody. She’s only trapped in the tabloid crosshairs. A friend drowned during her 2015 honeymoon celebration on Bora Bora, and the dead girl’s parents have sued another of Aniston's friends who allegedly supplied the drugs found in her system. Aniston’s “Murder Hell!” is no case of murder, and doesn’t involve the actress, except for the fact that her wedding brought the guests together. Yet another alternate reality.
But what is reality? You’ll never know by reading the tabloids. Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani have “SPLIT!” according to the cover of the Enquirer. Or alternately, as Shelton tells Us magazine: “Every day that goes by just feels like a stronger bond between the two of us.”
Bill Cosby is evidently living on both sides of the Matrix: the Globe cover reports on his “Prison Hell!” while at the same time a source claims: “He’s now insisting prison is like vacation and he’s 'happy he can rest without dealing with the a**hole district attorney and protesters.’” The Enquirer gets in on the alternate reality game by reporting that “Cosby Rages As Wife Lets Him Rot!” What is she supposed to do? Move into his prison cell and cook her husband eggs and bacon every morning?
Us mag’s cover shows Meghan Markle with a distinctly disturbed look on her face, above the headline: “Meghan Fights Back – Tired of the Lies.” How is Meghan fighting back after a series of supposed “betrayals" – otherwise known as critical comments – from her colorful family? She is choosing to “forge her own path as a strong, independent member of the British monarchy." Yeah, that’ll show them. She floats like a butterfly, forges her own path like a bee.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at Us magazine to tell us that Gigi Hadid wore it best (isn’t that her job as a model?), that John Cena has taken a total of five days vacation in his entire 41-year life, that Riverdale actress Marisol Nichols carries her daughter's Paddington Bear doll and Strawberry Shortcake doll in her Victoria Beckham purse, and that the stars are just like us: They take taxis, shop for food, and eat at restaurants. Finally – celebrities occupying the same time-space continuum as the rest of us!
Onwards and downwards . . .