You can’t argue with the facts, and the fact is, this week’s tabloids don’t have many of them.
“Wacko Jacko Flunks Pedophile Lie Test!” reports the National Enquirer. No, there isn’t such a thing as a pedophile lie test. The Enquirer obtained video of Jacko’s deposition in a 1996 child molestation inquiry, and had a “lie detection expert” analyze the singer’s voice stress. “He’s just spouting lies,” concludes the analyst. Science at its best.
“Proof Wacko Jacko Was Twisted Perv!” proclaims the Globe, which coincidentally also obtained video of Jacko’s 1996 deposition, and had a “renowned body language expert” analyze the singer’s movements. “His high, false laughter is a cover for lying,” declares the analyst. You gotta love science.
"William & Kate Named King & Queen!” screams the Enquirer cover, declaring: “Queen Gives Up Throne." No, she hasn’t. The Act of Settlement of 1701 makes the monarch’s successor the next Protestant in line to the throne, no matter what the Queen declares or who she names as her heir to the crown. Prince Charles could choose to abdicate once his mother dies, but the Queen can’t declare William king without an act of Parliament to change existing succession laws.
It’s always interesting to get the intelligent American perspective on the British Royal Family, and the National Examiner provides that with its exclusive report on Prince Charles’ wife: “Craggy Camilla’s $100,000 facelift!” It’s an exclusive because the massed ranks of the British Royal press corps somehow failed to notice that Camilla had a full facelift, liposuction, and her teeth capped.
The Examiner also gives us such insider gems as: “As far as the queen is concerned, Camilla is bats—t crazy,” and “Camilla is determined to keep her husband’s eye from straying.” Right.
Angelina Jolie’s slender frame once again has the Globe devote its cover to her health issues, screaming: “93-lb Angie Sick & Alone!” It’s worth noting that the cover photo showing a slender Jolie was taken in 2016, and let’s not forget the Enquirer cover in June 2017 which claimed: “78lb Angie Skin & Bones!” So she’s gained 15 pounds since then, it seems. We can only be grateful for the tabloid sleuths who plant sensors in celebrity bathroom scales, remotely feeding up-to-the-minute measurements back to the ever-reliable HQ of American Media Inc.
The Enquirer reveals actor Gene Hackman’s “Bizarre Life as a Recluse!” He’s been photographed walking around Santa Fe, buying coffee at a local cafe, the way recluses do. Hackman bought an e-bike at a nearby store, riding public trails the way hermits will, and has been spotted “knocking back a few” at a local bar, in the time-honored tradition of recluses. Bizarre, indeed. “He seemed kind of sad and lonely” reports the Enquirer “source,” which means their paparazzo. Apparently you have to walk down the street in a Mardi Gras parade raising champagne glasses with a dozen close friends if you’re not to appear sad and lonely for the tabloids.
Brad Pitt & Charlize Theron are “Having a Baby!” reports the Globe. The couple have only been dating a few weeks, so it makes perfect sense that they would want to start a family, especially since Pitt now has to share custody of his six kids with ex-wife Angelina Jolie, and must be desperate for another half-dozen or more children to call his own. Their baby is due in August, which means she is barely two months pregnant, and has probably told nobody except her one phone call to the Globe. The fact that this is on page 28 and not the splash tells you all you need to know about their confidence in this story's accuracy. When Theron doesn’t give birth in August you can expect the obligatory “Tragic Brad & Charlize Lose Baby” story.
Us magazine’s cover gets up-close and personal with Jennifer Aniston to reveal: “What Really Happened at Jen’s 50th Birthday Bash! Did she go home with Brad?” Sadly, we may never know what happened at Jen’s party, because Us doesn’t tell us, except for name-dropping a slew of A-List stars who attended. And did Jen go home with Brad? The story is yet more proof of Betteridge’s law of headlines: if it ends with a question mark, the answer is almost always "No.”
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us to tell us that Bella Hadid wore it best (Sandra Oh never had a chance), that Fuller House star Lori Loughlin “loves golf, cheese and ‘The Bachelor’” (who doesn’t?), that Kim Possible vocal talent Christy Carlson Romano (wow, they really are running out of stars with handbags) carries lipstick, perfume and multivitamins in her Michael Kors tote, and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, ride the subway and hail cabs. Those wacky celebrities!
Finally, the Enquirer conducted a poll asking readers if they still support actor Liam Neeson after his racist admission that he planned on killing a black man to avenge a friend’s rape decades ago. A staggering 86 percent of Enquirer readers sympathized with the Irish actor, which tells us all we ever need to know about tabloids and their audience.
Onwards and downwards . . .