You want ancient news repackaged as fresh?
The 'National Enquirer' splashes it on the cover: "25 Years After O.J. Beat Murder Rap – Battered Nicole's Diaries Exposed!"
O.J. Simpson's slain ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson kept a diary of her life of abuse with him, which is the subject of a new documentary – but the diary and its contents are old hat.
At the time of O.J.'s 1994 murder trial the court considered an 85-page document listing 50 allegations of abuse noted in Nicole's diary, though ultimately Judge Lance Ito ruled it inadmissible.
But that didn't stop the allegations being widely disseminated outside court. The 'Enquirer' website Radar Online took another deep dive into the diary in 2015. You'd think there's nothing left to exhume except fumes, but that's good enough for the cover of this week's 'Enquirer.'
The same can be said for the heard-it-all-before feature in the 'Globe' about the late Playboy magazine magnate Hugh Hefner: "Hefner's Harem Dishes The Dirt! Cruel Playboy boss lived in foul pigsty & was lousy lover." Been there, done that. It's all been said so often, by exactly the same former Playmates.
It's hardly surprising, but other tabloid stories this week just make no sense.
"Harry & Andrew Plot to Destroy Royal Family!" screams the cover of the 'Globe.' Defying logic, the story claims that the Princes "want monarchy to die with queen . . . Their hated brothers will never be kings . . . Princes deliberately destroying monarchy & the royal family that spurned them."
Harry and his uncle are reportedly "hell-bent on destroying the monarchy," claims the rag, which is informed by an unidentified "high-level palace courtier" – as if a courtier would be privy to the motivations of two members of the Royal family who have lived separate lives for decades.
The two Princes allegedly want to destroy the same monarchy that gave them wealth, privilege and position, funded their luxury lifestyles and world travel, and made them who they are today. Right.
The 'Enquirer' gets in on the Royal speculation game with its breathless feature: "Royals Reeling Over Harry & Meghan's Secret Footage."
Prince Harry and his wife, Duchess Meghan, unsurprisingly filmed home movies during their time together. The 'Enquirer' imaginatively suggests that the Royal Family is worried that the renegade runaway royals may sell this "bombshell" footage to Netflix as part of their deal to produce documentaries and nature programming, claims an unnamed "palace source." It's utter speculation, made clear by the 'Enquirer' source wondering out loud: "Who knows how long cameras were rolling and what they've captured?" Not the 'Enquirer,' that's for sure.
The 'Enquirer' bashes Prince Andrew just for the sake of it with its story: "Eugenie to Prince Andrew: Stay Away From My Baby!"
To be fair that's a trifle premature, since Andrew's daughter Princess Eugenie isn't even expecting her baby until next year.
Andrew has allegedly "been banned from Princess Eugenie's delivery room."
But how likely was Eugenie to invite her dad to watch the birth anyway? How many fathers are asked to watch their daughters give birth? How many would even want to?
If he has been asked not to attend the birth, it's more likely because during the pandemic a delivering mother might want as few people present as possible.
Or, as an unnamed insider tells the 'Enquirer': "There's no way in hell he'll be allowed anywhere near Eugenie's delivery room."
No doubt the 'Enquirer' will have a high-level palace courtier discreetly positioned inside Eugenie's uterus during the delivery, however, offering up-to-the-minute play-by-play coverage and exclusive first talks with the newborn.
The tabloids can't let a week go by without mention of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and this week is no exception, though they seem to have different perspectives on Brad's reported new girlfriend Nicole Poturalski.
"Brad Blasts New Babe For Blasting Secrets!" claims the 'Enquirer.' This is disturbing because Poturalski has not disclosed any secrets about anything – not even about Nicole Brown Simpson's diary – to anyone. And because Brad Pitt clearly hasn't asked her to stop talking about him.
The 'Enquirer story even undermines its own premise by admitting: "A friend said the actor hasn't told his galpal to zip it." That's the point where most editors would turn around and say: "This story doesn't stand up," and spike it. But at the 'Enquirer' they go ahead and write this nonsense anyway.
The 'Globe,' whose editorial team clearly have the more vivid imaginations, reports: "Brad's New Babe Wants A Baby!"
It's interesting to note that both the 'Enquirer' and 'Globe' call Pitt's 27-year-old girlfriend a "babe." Clearly they've been comparing notes, if not sharing sub-editors.
But does Poturalski want a child? She's still married to her husband – reportedly an "open marriage" in which her fling with Pitt seems to be condoned – and has shown no signs of hankering for instant motherhood.
And does father-of-six Pitt want a seventh?
"He definitely wants another," gushes an unnamed insider. Really? He's still caught in a bitter custody battle over the six that he has, half of whom barely talk to him.
"Their kids would be gorgeous," says an unnamed source, as if that's a good enough reason to get on with it.
Embattled talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, mauled by critical staff comments complaining about her on-set behavior, is the subject of an 'Enquirer' story: "Panicked Ellen Peddles Paintings."
DeGeneres is reportedly selling off $10 million worth of artwork "to raise money – in case she gets the axe."
But she inked a three-year deal in May 2019, so she'll be paid until May 2022 whether her show is axed or not. This makes no sense, like so much of this week's tabloid offerings.
Michael Douglas is attacked by the 'Globe' for having the audacity to age: "Droopy Douglas Ordered to Get Facelift! Wife Catherine fears Michael, 76, is looking old!"
He's 76 years old. Of course he's looking old. And he still looks great for his age.
Jennifer Aniston spoke about her life in a podcast last week, so we find 'Us' magazine unsurprisingly repurposing it for their cover story: "Jen's Fresh Start. My Year of Surprises."
'People' magazine devotes its cover to the Royal Rift: "William & Harry: Battle of the Brothers. There is so much pain and trauma."
It's an excerpt from historian Robert Lacey's new book improbably claiming that the brothers' split "compares with Edward VIII's abdication in 1936 and the death of Princess Diana in 1997." No it doesn't,not for a single second.
Literally the best quote of the week comes from British actress Jane Seymour, telling 'Us' mag about the joys of co-starring with Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken in their dubious new movie comedy 'The War With Grandpa.'
Speaking of how wonderful it was acting opposite De Niro, Seymour says: "He literally just turns the bright lights on the minute they say action."
Yes, Seymour would have us believe that Robert De Niro literally turns on the lights on set, which no doubt would have caused some friction with the union electricians and grips whose jobs he undermined. Perfect.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Hailee Steinfeld wore it best, that 'Today' show co-anchor Hoda Kotb is "obsessed with the smell of Lever 2000" soap, and that the stars are just like us: they bake, they eat, walk their dogs and go to the hair salon. News you can really use.
The 'Globe' gives a sliver of hope of eternal life to its aging readership who are inundated with ads for oxygen delivery equipment, weight loss supplements, erectile dysfunction medication, back pain relief, Life Alert alarms and walk-in bathtubs.
"Jellyfish are biologically immortal, according to scientists," claims the rag. "They don't age and don't die from natural causes – unless they are killed!"
If only it were true.
Certainly there is one species of jellyfish, turritopsis dohrnii, which having reproduced transforms itself back into its juvenile polyp state, effectively becoming immortal. Other jellyfish just get eaten, washed ashore, or die of old age after spending their twilight years years sitting on a back porch reading the 'Globe.'
Onwards and downwards . . .