Watch Tucker Carlson's bizarre Friday the 13th monologue about Patriotic Optimism

On Friday, November 13, 2020 — the second Friday the 13th in 2020, after the first one coincided with the start of mass COVID-19-related lockdowns across the country — Fox News' Resident Reporter Of Non-Facts Tucker Carlson took a break from his usual doom-and-gloom and launched into a bizarre motivational speaking segment about America.

America, he explains, is not the horrible place that the news (which presumably includes Tucker Carlson) makes it out to be. No, America is wonderful — uniquely so!

Why, you ask?

Well see, America is beautiful. Unlike other countries! It has nature, where no one lives, and you can enjoy beautiful scenic vistas — nowhere else has that, because we uniquely conquered and stole more land!

America is a stunning country. Yes, Switzerland has the Alps and Zimbabwe has Victoria Falls. But multiply that by an entire continent and you've got what we have in America — from the islands of Puget Sound to the islands in Casco Bay, from the Rockies to the Badlands, from the Upper Peninsula to the Appalachian Mountains.

(Tucker also claims that "You'll feel things you inherited from your ancestors coming from places the modern world cannot touch" which is hilarious being that we're a 250-year-old settler state that cannot even hope to compete with the heavy historical ambience of, well, anywhere else)

Tucker also celebrates the kindness of Americans — another trait of American exceptionalism that makes us stand out from those other nationalities, who are known for not being nice:

Most Americans know they're not really in charge of the universe. They know there's something bigger out there, bigger than all of us combined. And when you understand that, when you know in your bones how small you are and how short the ride is likely to be, you tend to treat people better. 

This is a profoundly nice country, the nicest in the world. Americans are kind to children, to pets, to strangers. We give more money to charity than any other place. We tip our waiters more. There's no country on earth you'd rather be lost in, because someone will help you in America. We don't eat dogs, we rescue them. They sleep on the bed, we give them funny names, we cry when they die.

I found this segment to be particularly impressive in its strategically-placed subtleties, in that way that only Tucker Carlson can do. He gets that unnecessary Sinophobic jab in there, virtue-signalling to the racist crowd; and then also credits American "kindness" for the uniquely American phenomenon of not paying a living wage to our food service industry workers. "We tip our waiters more" may be the truest statement in Tucker's whole bizarre motivational speech, because it ignores the fact that tips-as-sole-income is, indeed, uniquely American — for better, and for worse.

And finally, in conclusion, Tucker points out that America is unique, because … Christmas (the war against which they completely manufactured.)

It's why we still have Christmas and always will. Christmas in America is great. Even if you don't really understand what it's about, and many people don't, it's still the happiest time of the year and therefore it's the most American.

This whole Freaky Friday the 13th monologue is clearly an attempt to appease the Trumper fanbase with a bizarre dose of positivity.

Additional reading: Tucker Carlson's war on the ruling class is a master class of misdirection [Parker Molloy / Media Matters]