How would you cover the historic second impeachment of President Trump if you were editing a tabloid?
Why, you'd attack Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, of course, and you'd conveniently omit any mention of Trump's latest ignominy.
"Clinton Impeachment Trial Was Rigged!" proclaims the 'Globe,' deciding to break this news 22 years after the trial ended.
But the alleged rigging makes little sense: the Republicans were allegedly "allowed" to keep the impeachment hearings going to embarrass Clinton, but they "knew nothing would be found to harm the president."
How is that even rigging an impeachment? If anything, it's staging an impeachment for political purposes even though there's no chance of a conviction.
Clinton was impeached for lying under oath to a grand jury and obstructing justice, and yes, his trial was humiliating, but the Senate failed to convict – and not because the proceedings were rigged.
The 'National Enquirer' devotes its cover to the Obamas: "Michelle's $175M Divorce Ultimatum! Barack Pushed Her Too Far!"
The 'Enquirer' has been trying to sell readers on this divorce since 2008, and they haven't succeeded yet. Michelle and Barack have enjoyed his-and-hers bestselling memoirs, a reported $150m deal at Netflix which is producing an enviable slate of films, TV series and documentaries, and their net worth has risen from an estimated $1.5 million in 2008 to around $150 million today – but the 'Enquirer' claims they are fighting over money "and her career." Right.
It's another week of twisting barely-there facts in the tabloids, with perennial favorites returning.
Duchess Meghan dominates the cover of the 'Globe,' with the headline: "Meghan Banned From Britain! Queen snaps over Archie birth scandal."
Firstly, the Queen cannot ban anyone from Britain – that's simply not within her power. Nor has Meghan been banned, which would be a grievous self-inflicted wound if the Palace even attempted such a move.
Prince Harry is set to visit Britain for the Queen and Prince Philip's birthdays, but the 'Globe' claims that he is traveling to Blighty alone because Meghan has been barred by the Queen from joining him, after she falsely accused the Palace of changing Archie's birth certificate.
Yes, there's been a he-said, she-said element to whether Meghan or the Palace requested Archie's birth certificate to be changed to reflect the Duchess's Royal title, but it's been widely mooted for weeks that Harry would travel solo to Britain not because Meghan is banned, but because she does not feel it's safe to travel with infant son Archie to attend a Royal Superspreader event during the pandemic.
Ancient bodies keep being dug up by the tabloids, metaphorically and, if they have their way, literally.
The 'Globe' demands that singer Whitney Houston's body should be exhumed, declaring: "Proof Whitney Was Murdered!"
This word "proof," it does not mean what you think it means.
A team of 'Globe' so-called "investigators," with the genius of Inspector Gadget and the relentlessness of Dora the Explorer, call for Whitney Houston's body to be disinterred because "new forensic tests will expose her killer." The 'Globe' alleges the hitman who killed Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobbi Kristina was Bobbi's boyfriend Nick Gordon, who conveniently died of a heroin overdose in January 2020, so he can't sue for defamation.
The rag doesn't say what those new forensic tests might be, or why they would point to Nick Gordon as the killer, but it's not the first time they've called for Houston to be exhumed, and it won't be the last.
While they've got an excavator on hand, they may as well dig up former Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa as well.
"Hoffa Buried In Jersey Dump!" screams a 'Globe' headline, echoing a 'Globe' cover story five years ago that claimed the missing union boss was buried in a New Jersey garbage dump. The headline back in 2016: "Jimmy Hoffa's Body Found!"
This week the rag proclaims: "Gangster's son confirms 'Globe' was right!" as if astonished that anyone would agree with one of their stories.
Of course, Hoffa's body wasn't found in 2016, otherwise the 'Globe' wouldn't still be looking for it, and it seems dubious that they have found it now, allegedly buried in a steel barrel.
But wait – they have proof!
"A radar detector team recently scanned the alleged gravesite area and sensed a metal object consistent with a drum, says a source," the rag reports.
A large metal object buried in a trash dump? What are the odds? Of course, it has to be Jimmy Hoffa's body in a steel drum! What else could it be, apart from an old steel barrel, trash can, car hood, steel radial tire, discarded manhole cover, refrigerator, washing machine, industrial waste, or a thousand other things?
Kim Bassinger divorced Alec Baldwin 19 years ago and apparently has little to do with him, but the 'Enquirer' drags her into Baldwin's discomfort over his wife Hilaria's misappropriation of Spanish heritage scandal, claiming that "Kim feels karma's a big factor," according to an unnamed source. "Kim is enjoying all of this." Trying to put Bassinger in the middle of Baldwin's problems feels gratuitous and an extreme stretch, unsupported by an evidence that she even cares about Baldwin and his current wife.
Of course, the tabloids couldn't survive a week without reporting on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's dragged-out divorce. This week it's the 'Enquirer' claiming: "Angie Shoots Holes In Her Own Custody Case!"
Jolie evidently told 'Vogue' magazine that long ago she envisioned being a mother traveling the world with her kids, and not being a traditional mother because "I'm not good at it at all." The 'Enquirer' pounces on this as an admission that Jolie is "lacking in all the skills to be a traditional stay-at-home mom." Yet what she's actually saying is that she's not a traditional mother, which she wouldn't be good at, but that doesn't make her a bad mother because she's great at dragging her brood around the world.
'Us' magazine proves that it not only has reporters hidden inside every Royal palace, but has them digging through Royal bathroom trash looking for used pregnancy test kits.
"Duchess Kate – One More Baby!" declares the cover of 'Us.' Duchess Kate and Prince William are reportedly trying for a fourth child, say unnamed sources, because whenever the Royals try to conceive they always make a point of telling their friends at 'Us.'
And Valentine's Day must be approaching because 'People' magazine devotes this week to its "Love Issue,' with three different covers vying to lure different readership demographics: Ted Danson & Mary Steenburgen (old and white); Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi (female and gay); and Al Roker & Deborah Roberts (Black and middle class). They're all madly in love, lucky to have each other, and make each other better. So depressing.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Joan Smalls wore it best, that Anthony Anderson loves Europe and Africa, though he admits: "I haven't been yet," and that the stars are just like us: they grab a quick bite, have socially distanced gatherings, and take out the trash. And paparazzi are there, waiting for them to perform such exciting feats.
Trust the 'Globe' to bring us one of the rare accurate stories in this week's tabloids: "A shocking new study by Indiana University scientists has concluded most humans are proportionately fatter than elephants!"
The study, published in the Journal of Experimental Biology, indeed found that captive elephants, long suspected of being overweight, actually carry around 10 per cent of body fat, whereas human fat levels can reach 31 per cent. Infertile elephants carried even lower levels of fat.
Which is probably why you never see an elephant at a health farm or yoga retreat.
Onwards and downwards . . .