"King Charles dead in 6 months" in this week's dubious tabloids

'National Enquirer'

As if they're writing a cliff-hanger ending for the latest season of Britain's royal soap opera, this week's cover story declares: "King Charles – Six Months To Live! Pancreatic cancer can't be stopped!"

Revealing "Charles' Grim Death Sentence," the 'Enquirer' cites unnamed "sources" for the medical diagnosis, which has not been reported by any royal correspondent elsewhere. What is known is Buckingham Palace has confirmed the King has cancer of some variety, and that it is not prostate cancer.

A "high-level courtier," who by definition would not be caught dead talking to the 'Enquirer,' allegedly said: "He's been told the disease has spread so far, it appears unstoppable."

Just like 'Enquirer' reporters' vivid imaginations.

Competitive to the bitter end, Charles "is urgently planning his own $250 million funeral," which a "well-placed palace insider" claims Charles wants to be "even bigger and better than Queen Elizabeth's". Doubtless one-upping his dearly departed mum is foremost in his mind right now.

The King also wants estranged sons Prince William and Prince Harry to reconcile before his death, but the 'Enquirer' reveals the feuding siblings "reject plea for peace!"

What are the odds that Charles will wake up at the end of the season and we'll find it's all been a dream?

With its trademark incisive geopolitical analysis, the 'Enquirer' reports on the presidential race as if it were a WWE face-off: "Joe & Don Get Down & Dirty," as "insults fly in personal 2024 grudge match." The "elderly egotists" have "devolved into name-calling, petty insults and cheap shots!" American politics as usual, in other words.

Miley Cyrus allegedly took a "wrecking ball to dad Billy" by failing to thank him from the Grammy Awards stage while accepting her statuettes. Since when did failing to mention someone become synonymous with major demolition work?

Britney Spears is supposedly looking for a voodoo priestess or sorcerer "who can train her in the art of magic," and James Brolin is ready to dump wife Barbra Streisand because he is "bearing the brunt of her bad moods" after disappointing sales of her recent memoir, claims the rag, severely testing readers' gullibility.

The tabloid beauty police are out in force again: country singer Blake Shelton "blows up" as the "chunkster pigs out" allegedly "to cope with marriage problems and other stress!" while retired NFL legend Tom Brady's "kisser pumps up the volume" as the rag alleges he has had lip-filler injections giving him an "alien trout pout". As opposed to an all-American trout-pout, presumably.

'Globe'

"Taylor Swift & Beyoncé Blood Feud Explodes!" screams the 'Globe' front page, promising to reveal the "shocking reason divas hate each other's guts!"

The cause of this dissonance?

In the dubious words of an unnamed source, Beyoncé believes Swift "is an overhyped, sassy brat who bulldozed her way to the top by trash-talking her exes, sparking petty feuds and rolling out one dimensional bubblegum trash that's not as good as it's made out to be," and Swift believes Beyoncé is "a rude, pathetic ice queen with a sense of entitlement."

So what are we to make of the fact that the two divas always appear friendly in public?

"It's all a two-faced act," states the knowledgable 'Globe.' The women "actually hate each other's guts." But perhaps not as much they both might hate the tabloids.

Conjuring up discomforting images of a two music superstars laying naked on a bed together exploring each other's aging bodies, the 'Globe' claims that Billy Joel "takes sex lessons from pal Sting, 72."

Allegedly 74-year-old Joel has got "his mojo back" with wife Alexis, aged 41, and Sting is teaching Joel "white-hot bedroom tips to keep his young fourth wife . . . purring." The stomach churns.

"Buddy Holly Crash Solved!"

Civil Aeronautics Board experts reportedly say that gusty winds, freezing temperatures and "complete darkness" prompted the pilot of the plane carrying Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper to rely solely on instruments, and think he was making a climbing turn while actually turning into the ground in the 1959 disaster. After 65 years, it's about time they figured out that the ground caused the crash.

"King Charles Has Cancer!"

Unlike the 'Enquirer,' the 'Globe' doesn't mention pancreatic or any other kind of cancer, yet gleefully reports: "Charles has a highly aggressive form of the deadly disease." The rag adds that the King is preparing to abdicate, which palace insiders – the real ones, who actually know what they are talking about – say will never happen.

"White House Fired Trump's Sex Pest Butler!"

Walt Nauta, a central figure in the Mar-a-Lago mishandled documents case, and who worked in the White House as Trump's valet, was hit with sexual harassment allegations that were "covered up" until Trump left office, the tabloid reports. Nauta was then hired again by Trump, who clearly recognises a kindred spirit when he sees one.

'People'

Winning lovebirds Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce share this week's cover, with the headline: "On Top of the World!"

Branding them "the world's most famous couple" – forget about Harry and Meghan, or Beyoncé and Jay Z, or Tom & Jerry – the mag looked at "how they've supported each other through their biggest year yet – and what's next". What's next is apparently Swift touring Australia, Singapore and Europe, with boyfriend Travis Kelce in tow. Now we really get to see how he enjoys living in Swift's shadow.

The other Super Bowl superstar – no, not Kansas City Chiefs quarterback and MVP Patrick Mahomes – Usher, fresh off his half-time show and subsequent marriage, is "Living My Dream," and also sharing alternate 'People' covers on newsstands. With a new album coming out, he says: "I feel like this is the beginning of an amazing next chapter in my life," which could have been uttered by almost anyone featured in 'People' mag over the years.

'Us Weekly'

"William & Harry – Making Peace" declares the front page, going against the tide of the entire royal press corps and the combined weight of the world's media.

'Us Weekly' stands alone in stating that the warring princes are entering a rapprochement, as "King Charles' cancer diagnosis is slowly bringing his feuding sons back together."

Or, as every other media outlet reported, Harry flew from California to England to see his father after Charles' diagnosis, and never met with or spoke to his brother William before jetting back. 'Us Weekly,' on the other hand, says the brothers are "ready to forgive." Your mileage may vary.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Rosamund Pike wore it best (if only Molly Ringwald had smiled!), that Skylar Astin "once had a pet squirrel named Maxine," and that the stars are just like us: they shovel snow (if they live in New Jersey), bake cookies, and try on sunglasses in Paris – just like all of us.

'In Touch'

Revealing a "Palace Bombshell!" the rag's cover story declares that William & Kate" are soon to be "King & Queen!" as Charles will "step down amid cancer battle," claiming his illness is "worse than anybody knows."

Don't bet on an abdication, which sources close to the King say is anathema to Charles.

But that doesn't stop 'In Touch' claiming that William and Kate have their "secret $15 million coronation already in the works." Seems like a bargain compared with Charles' $250 million funeral.