Atheists who'll take in your pets after the Rapture

Will sends us "a site of avowed atheists who will, for a nominal fee, look after your pet when you have taken in the rapture."
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 20 states and growing. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA (Thanks, Will!)

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  1. I can only wonder what a number of Jews, Buddhists, and Hindus think of this company’s hiring practices…

  2. Will we ever lose the word “avowed” before atheist? It’s a pejorative. It implies that there’s some shame in the word. It intensifies atheist to “he’s an atheist, he even ADMITS to being one.”

    Nobody would call the Pope a “Self-Proclaimed Christian.” Nor would we call former President Bush “an admitted Methodist.”

    Time to lose “avowed atheist”. It’s a measure of disrespect employed quite often by religious writers wishing to employ the canard that atheists are secret believers living in rebellion. There exist a number of far-right-wing theologians who claim that actual atheists don’t exist.

  3. Siamang, I’m pretty sure the word is generally used tongue-in-cheek, that certainly seems the case here.

    As an atheist, I’m not offended. :)

  4. HA!
    Whatta way to take advantage of the mentally unstable & Get Paid for It!

    /Wish I had thought of it

  5. Noen, if you’re picking up their pets, why not get a few more things while you’re at it? They’re not going to miss it!

    Hmm, interesting ethical questions if their spouse is still around. Are you bound to care for them as well? Yes, sir, I’m your appointed guardian now.

  6. I remember back in the JREF when skeptics would rail against all kinds of woo for bilking innocent people of money. Now even the atheists are doing it.

  7. Small problem: atheists aren’t immune from the rapture. The New Testament offered a loophole to get into heaven: become a Christian. Everyone has to be righteous to get into heaven, or be called for the rapture. Christians get a do-over, so are just more likely to make the cut.

    So depending on a very good person, like someone who takes care of stranded animals, might not be reliable in this case. Unless it’s a scam, then you can trust them to stick around.

  8. One would think they’d be too busy, you know, burning at the end of a giant pitch fork, to pick up a bag of Iams.

  9. If the rapture occurred, I’d spend every last waking breath praying for forgiveness and avoiding sin as much as possible.

    Who would witness the Rapture, and THEN decide to loot? The only atheists left after the rapture will be idiots and fools.

    That said, I’m very confident in my atheism, and I’m as sure as anything that the rapture won’t ever happen. I’m just saying- IF. :-)

    Seriously though, this seems like the perfect win-win. I’ll water your plants after the rapture for HALF that price!

  10. Interesting take. “If you DON’T pay the atheists to look after your pets, will God let you into heaven?”

  11. Dood…! that’ll be weird if that happens, but there could be a lot less people gone then i would think, so I’ll wait outside the super rich nice religious guys house to loot his stuff. and take his hamster.

  12. Cool, start by rounding up and taking care of the thousands of stray domestic animals currently running around.

  13. Bet there’s more money to be made by “animal conversions.”

    But from a marketing standpoint, they really need to cut the animal activist part and push the “private insurance” angle. Just tell them the gubmint is going to take control of their animals.

  14. This must be a trick. Everybody knows that atheists subsist on a diet of innocent kittens, sprinkled with the blood of aborted fetuses.

  15. I’m an atheist because the stuff I read in the bible is appalling – if THAT guy really is in charge, I still wouldn’t want to go to heaven! It’s much easier to believe that such a horrible, cruel, violent being is NOT watching over us and causing all the bad things in life to happen. The Rapture is just another example of the horrible cruelty He will inflict on us. But I don’t think the atheists will be doing any pet-sitting, after all ‘the rivers will run red with the blood of the non-believers’, at least that what my nut-job boss used to tell me. Gee, can’t imagine why I don’t want to join their cult…

  16. Nobody would call the Pope a “Self-Proclaimed Christian.”

    Oddly enough, I say that sort of thing all the time.

    No wonder people look at me funny.

  17. I had always heard that “all dogs go to heaven”…

    Will ANY animals be called up during the rapture? Or is heaven a humans-only place?

  18. Similar idea, for 2012 doomsday people: lend them money at huge interest, with no payment due until January 1st, 2013. You’d need to make sure they have plenty of collatoral, though. Could be an easy, perhaps morally dubious but probably legally sound way to get yourself a crazy person’s house.

  19. Too bad they didn’t offer it during the foreclosure crisis when pets were being euthanized because their owners lost their homes.

  20. @Siamang #4:

    “Avowed” differentiates between people who hold certain beliefs and people who proclaim those beliefs publicly, which not all athiests (or religious people) do. If you’re a Christian looking for someone who has very little chance of being saved then you’d understandably want the most public assurance of non-belief possible.

    Anyway, I’ve heard the term “Avowed Christian” used in non-derogatory context too.

  21. It looks like a lot of animals will have things covered anyway:

    Isaiah 11:6
    The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

    Isaiah 65:25
    The wolf and the lamb shall graze together; the lion shall eat straw like the ox, and dust shall be the serpent’s food. They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain,” says the Lord.

    If the wolves are going to be shacking up with sheep then you gotta believe the Big Guy is going to make sure little Rover will be taken care of.

  22. Isn’t taking advantage of people’s stupidity one of the reasons atheists despise religion. Personally I’d consider this “service” as immoral as fortune telling or chiropracty.

  23. >Will ANY animals be called up during the rapture? Or is heaven a humans-only place?

    I’m sure all the mosquitoes will be headed up there.

  24. @4 “Avowed”

    If you read the site, the fact that the atheist proclaims his or her beliefs is actually integral to the process. (It’s part of the guarantee that the atheist him or herself will not be raptured, leaving the animal stranded.) So while the phrase “avowed atheist” might generally be offensive to you, it’s actually the appropriate language in this case.

  25. This is so bizarre – these hypothetical post-apocalyptic pet-sitting atheists by virtue of being atheist don’t believe the rapture will occur. So they are signing up for a service that they get paid for but are certain they’ll never have to perform. Which seems like a spanner in the works of them being ethical people.
    What a dilemma for the imminent rapturees!

    (Unless there’s some altruistic motive you can assign to this. I suppose to provide peace of mind to these soon-to-be-petless-and-living-upstairs folks. But then why be paid for it?)

    PS CAPTCHA was something unreadable followed by the word “crazies”… so I clicked for audio and got “whether you believe it or not…” Spooky

  26. There exist a number of far-right-wing theologians who claim that actual atheists don’t exist.

    I don’t believe in such theologians…

  27. They are called “alleged” atheists because there are just so many fakes ya know. Too many people pretending to be atheists just for all the cool benefits.

  28. “I’m sure all the mosquitoes will be headed up there.”

    Hmm. Maybe it will be JUST mosquitoes. Could turn out they’re the righteous ones, and humans are just self-deluded blood producers.

  29. I love it.

    This reminds me of someone’s description of the lottery as a tax on the mathematically-ignorant.

  30. Once you concede that the rapture has occurred, you’re no longer an atheist. Your morality now derives from a God who has judged you unworthy of salvation. Exactly what remains to incentivize these damned souls into honoring their contracts?

  31. “They are called “alleged” atheists because there are just so many fakes ya know. Too many people pretending to be atheists just for all the cool benefits.”

    To be fair, I think there are plenty of people who call themselves atheists who actually aren’t. As in, something bad happens in their lives, and they “lose their faith,” which really just means they’re angry at their gods, and of course you can’t be angry at something you don’t believe even exists. It’s these people who give certain Christians the impression that atheists a)are unhappy, b)can be “brought back into the flock”, and c)aren’t really atheists.

    (btw, in case it isn’t clear, I am not one of those certain Christians, or even a Christian at all. Most people would call me an atheist, but I don’t “avow” as such, just because I consider “god” too ambiguous a concept to make meaningful statements about.)

  32. Matthew 25:31-46.

    31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

    46″Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

    So, with the sheep in heaven and the goats in hell – what is a poor atheist shepherd to do?

  33. If the Rapture were to actually occur, we’d probably never know because it would be perhaps three or four people.

  34. FTA: “each representative is a confirmed atheist”

    This makes no sense at all.
    If the person has seriously signed up to take in the pet after the owner’s ‘rapture’, then they either believe the owner WILL experience ‘rapture’ or that they MIGHT experience it. (As there is no point in wasting time signing up if you believe it WON’T happen.)
    So that would mean that the volunteer is either a Christian (believing it will happen), or Agnostic (acknowledging the possibility).
    Either way, they’re not an Atheist.

    So that means that merely by being a serious representative, you can’t be a true atheist.

    So like all other things faith-based, the smallest bit of logic & reasoning negates their ‘confirmation’.

  35. @#4 I think the site actually used the term “Confirmed” atheist. I used avowed because I thought it was ironic and kinda funny. I certainly didn’t mean it a pejorative sense.

  36. Ooooh the art collection i will have after all those goody goodies are gone, Hell I’ll move to Giverny with all his Best!

  37. But won’t doing such a generous thing as taking in a stranger’s pets possibly get you into heaven? Then you wouldn’t be around to take care of their pets. This is giving me a headache.

  38. Cute, but people who believe in the Rapture don’t think that it is possible for us atheists to be “moral/ethical”.

  39. > To be fair, I think there are plenty of people
    > who call themselves atheists who actually
    > aren’t.

    A good point. I don’t think it’s sufficient that they “avow” to be athiests. They could be in it just for the profit. I think they need to be put in a foxhole just to make sure. 8)

    Hey, that’s an idea! “This week on MYTHBUSTERS, are there _really_ no athiests in foxholes?”

  40. I saw some lady get out of her car today with the front license plate that said “RAPTURE…Coming Soon”

    I chortled.

  41. MOriarty: that means you’re a theological noncognitivist / ignostic, which some people may claim is not the same as atheist. Not me though.

  42. I thought The Rapture occurred on 1/1/2000? It was no big deal as there were no christians pure enough to be taken, so far as anyone can tell.

  43. #13 – that was going to be my point exactly. Besides, even then, there is always Purgatory. ;)

  44. @djdole #48:

    You can believe something won’t happen while allowing for the possibility that you are wrong.

    For example, I believe that we aren’t actually living in a big computer simulation a-la “The Matrix.” If there were a word for people who don’t believe in The Matrix then I’d identify with it. But if I wake up in a tub of goo tomorrow with a USB port in the back of my skull then I may change my mind.

  45. No sweat, Willsan.

    I just think the two words roll off the tongue together too often in corporate media coverage, when simple parity is all that’s called for.

    Just trying to normalize the term, and pull it off the list of dirty words.

    Keneke wrote:
    “I remember back in the JREF when skeptics would rail against all kinds of woo for bilking innocent people of money. Now even the atheists are doing it.”

    Correction. Now even AN atheist is doing it.

    Gee. What a concept, atheists can be con-artist cheats too.

  46. I remember back in the JREF when skeptics would rail against all kinds of woo for bilking innocent people of money. Now even the atheists are doing it.

    The key difference is that the atheists aren’t claiming any powers they don’t have. They’re pretty up front about saying they don’t believe the rapture is coming, but if it does they are contractually bound to take care of your pet. What’s dishonest about that?

  47. So god comes and takes away the righteous and leaves the rest of humanity to live out their lives in a universe without god? Seems like the rapture has already happened.

  48. This is a lot of chatter about a kind of mild spoof of Rapturism. Hard to believe there’s so many humor-challenged people on a BB thread.

  49. @ Buddy66:

    The site assures visitors that this isn’t a joke and the text of the agreement would appear to be legally binding. By all appearances this is a legitimate, if snicker-worthy, business.

  50. No dogs go to heaven. OTOH, they don’t go to hell either. Neither Ceiling Cat nor Basement Cat will have nothing to do with them.

  51. if all them jesusers are getting Ruptured, they don’t really need all those internal organs either, do they?

  52. @ V:

    That line actually isn’t anywhere in the Bible. Lions just make for more dramatic paintings that wolves.

  53. @48: Atheism does not preclude agnosticism. Agnostic atheists are the vast majority of atheists (including, notably, Richard Dawkins). This means that these agnostic atheists acknowledge that they could be wrong (see the EE-BP website), but it makes more sense to them that they are right in their non-belief.

    That is:

    Agnostic: “There may or may not be God/gods”
    Agnostic atheist: “There may or may not be God/gods, and I have logical reasons to conclude there is no God/gods.”
    OR
    “I have no reason to conclude there exists God/gods, but would change my mind given conclusive evidence.”

    Non-agnostic atheist: “There is certainly no God/gods, and I have conclusive evidence to prove it thus.”

    Therefore, please revise your definition to more closely fit the actual definition.
    Thank you.

  54. Cory – The only problem with this plan is that all atheists go to heaven. Nice thought about the dogs and cats though.

  55. @48: You seem to be under the impression that the difference between agnostics and atheists is that the former acknowledge the possibility of a deity (or many deities), and the latter do not.

    This is not the case. In my experience, the position of a true agnostic is better described as “not only do I not know if there’s a god, but that it is in fact unknowable.” (I believe the literal translation of ‘agnostic’ is akin to ‘no special knowledge’)

    Whereas a true atheist takes no position on the “knowability” of god, and simply defaults to the position that unless you show some proof his/her/their existence then we’ll treat it the same way we do existence of invisible pink unicorns. If you show up tomorrow with iron-clad proof to the contrary–an invisible pink unicorn on a leash, for example–we’ll certainly be open to reevaluating our position.

    As for myself, I’m a true atheist, and I would sign up in a moment to serve as a pet-rescuer. A couple reasons:
    1. I assume there’s some sort of financial incentive, say, 20% of the gross receipts for my area.
    2. I have no concern whatsoever that I would ever be called upon to have to do anything for the money.
    3. In the astonishingly unlikely (yet still non-zero chance) event that I’m wrong, I wouldn’t want pets to suffer. I like animals.

    Whatever else it is, ethical or not, it’s not a scam as long as all parties are informed and advised accurately.

  56. 1.) if you’re gullible enough to sign up for this service, you deserved to get rooked.

    2.) If your animals weren’t such sinners in the first place, they would be going to heaven right along side you. Maybe you should ask yourself why your beloved pet budgereegah has yet to accept jesus as its lord and savior.

    3.) At the first sign of the Rapture, your first and only consideration should be to get Bart out of the house.

    4.) Realistically, you should be more concerned about your pets following an actual potential catastrophe (say a swine flu pandemic), rather than fictional one.

    5.) My captcha is ‘Mildred longtime’… i don’t know what that means, but it sounds depraved.

  57. Willfully taking money for service they know will never be provided is business fraud. If you call this a type of insurance, would it not be regulated? Just joking.

    As anyone that would pay for such service by definition would not be a Christian. Says to not to hold onto worldly possessions but put your treasures in heaven. Anyway all the animals may get ruptured as well as I know my pet cat is an angle. Lol Also joke

    I am not God so can not say if my cat will make it. I do remember cat doing #2 on floor. Would that be a sin? If I did that I know I would. I do know God loves humor. He made me!

  58. Anon@77

    Don’t worry about it, I’m sure god would overlook the occasional poop-on-the-floor. Let loose!

  59. But I thought all the pets were supposed to be sent straight to Hell when the Rapture hits.

    Obviously I’ve got some learnin’ to do.

  60. That’s right Tak, in a mirror dimension we all have pet Gods, and the doGs are omnipotent. Do not try to spay them (either).

  61. Shit, I used to be a Christian until I got unsaved like 20 years ago…

    If that ‘once a bornigin always a bornigan’ thing happens to be true, and I accidentally get raptured will one of you guys look after my cats?

  62. This is brilliant! It’s like old school Discordian pranks – and getting paid to boot!

    Wow, this and Alan Moore’s RAW tribute; great day on boingboing!

  63. No cats in heaven? That sucks.

    Can I watch youtube videos featuring cats? Specifically the keyboard cat? I love that guy.

    Now that I think about it, that would kinda be torture – getting watch videos of something I love but no being able to have it??

    Sounds like heaven sucks.

  64. This is almost exactly the same as You’ve Been Left Behind:

    The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the “tribulation period” after the “Rapture”. You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing “God Bless America” at baseballs’ seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

    I think the service also allows you to register your bank account details online, so that your money, which you won’t be needing, can be given to those staying behind…

    A business plan of marketing towards particularly gullible people? Sounds smart to me.

  65. The rapture has already happened (July 5, 1998) and all the worthy were saved. There weren’t all that many of them, and no one else noticed.

    Still, it sounds like a great business plan.

  66. @anon#58:

    Yeah, I’ve heard the terms ignostic and theological noncognitivist, and they fit pretty well. “What do you mean by ‘god’?” is usually my first response to “do you believe in god?” Some “gods” are unfalsifiable (non-interfering creator), some are falsifiable and falsified (the literal Biblical account), some are falsifiable and more or less confirmed (“a consistency and order to the universe”), and some are just meaningless words (“the essence of infinite perfection”). Every “theist” creates their own “god,” imo, so the question of belief is often meaningless. I’m pretty certain about all of this, but not with the strength of religious faith, and I’m certainly open to being convinced otherwise, as I have been in the past.

  67. Now that I think about it, that would kinda be torture – getting watch videos of something I love but no being able to have it??

    Wait.. You’re talking about porn, right?

    Porn?

    I think he means porn.

  68. Anonymous 13: I did not know that. Drat. I thought you had to be Washed in the Blood of the Lamb to get Raptured. When evangelical excesses are in the news, I roll my eyes and say “if only the Rapture would come NOW.” I’ve been in the habit of thinking that if only we could get rid of the Christian Right (as most of the Rapture-believing folks are), the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth could truly be established.

    Now I have to revise all that. For example, the prayer becomes “God, could you please Rapture these people now,” when the hatemongers start up.

    Brainspore 31: This is one of those things that’s supposed to be wonderful, that I find horrific. Along with other unnatural things like bushes that burn and are not consumed, and flattening out all the hills and valleys. Brrr. Poor lions and wolves! Straw, yuck.

    And as a friend of mine points out, the lion may lie down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t get much sleep. (Neither will the lion, in my experience.)

    Moriarty 46: Good point. There’s a big difference between believing God does not exist and believing that God does not deserve worship or obedience.

  69. No Digg, perpetuates the false-dichotomy that somehow everyone is either an ‘atheist’ or a Christian fundamentalist. Certainly not ‘humorous’ in any way, just that kinda smug smirky thing.

  70. it’s difficult for me to take people who can bible quote ad nauseam seriously, it’s like being proud of the ability to speak klingon.

  71. cog dis @ 98 – ….except you get to be in the majority. Good point though, I don’t mean to take away from it.

  72. MDH @ 99

    In the majority, and for the most part, running the country.

    One of the saddest 90 mins of my life was watching Bill Maher’s “Religulous,” where supposed Reverends pull non existent bible quotes out of thin air to suit their argument, and a US Senator confesses he believes in creation theory, because he believes members of the science community “are not in agreement on the subject of evolution,” and furthermore that “you don’t have to pass an IQ test to be in congress.”

    I take documentries with several grains of salt, but some things need very little editing to chill you to the core, and sent you to a bottle of scotch seeking comfort.

  73. I don’t see what the big deal is about using the word ‘avowed’ before ‘atheist’. It’s really not got a pejorative sense in the way that ‘staunch Catholic’ or ‘fundamentalist Muslim’ might have. In fact, it’s probably not all that different from the term ‘committed Christian’; meaning that your atheism is a matter of positive conviction, rather than indecision.

  74. @#37

    No, it doesn’t mean He got the food chains wrong.

    People often say (though I don’t know where they get it from) that before the Fall, all animals were herbivores.

    So basically, the natural world would refer to its original, pristine state.

  75. Realizing that god did not deserve to be worshipped opened my eyes to the fact that god is completely absent if you do not write him into your life. I am atheist now and live life without fear of burning in hell (in the fire that burns but does not consume – yay, fun!) and no longer have to attribute all my successes to the invisible man’s intervention.

    As for the con, well, if it makes them feel better to subscribe to the service, I’d be happy to take their money, though I’m pretty certain I would never have to watch over their pets. After all, people have thought the rapture was just around the corner since christianity began, so they’ve been wrong for the last 2000 years, but they’re always hoping.

  76. Anon 102, I wonder what the pre-Fall lions looked like? Did they have wildly inappropriate teeth for that vegetarian diet, or did they have very different teeth than they have now? What about their digestive tracts? Did they have big claws, or were they hoofed? Did they chew the cud?

    Modern lions are obligate carnivores. They could not survive on any vegetarian diet. God would have had to redesign them pretty much from the ground up to make that kind of change.

  77. This website is one thing and one thing only. It is a cheap self-promotion ad site for a particular members book. To confirm, this is a full confession to spamming for book sales –

    http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/forums/showpost.php?s=3d05ce880524f2539df66c4db903ffd6&p=26203&postcount=8

    “Its been a blast! It’s specially been good for my book’s sale The Atheist Camel Chronicles which I advertise on the site!!”

    To give you some idea of the length and breadth of the spam, this forum is in Australia.

    This person has relentlessly spammed the book here, on dawkins.net and stacked the Amazon reviews section with 5 star self-penned reviews from disposable accounts.

    Is there a lesson here ? Yes. Spam works. There is no shortage of people posting and reposting this item. Thanks guys.

    And to ad insult to insult, the idea was stolen. http://www.postrapturepets.com/

  78. It’s so weird when atheists and skeptics start talking about “woo”. I’m old enough to know the traditional English meanings and uses of the word, but apparently most people who use it these days are not. It sometimes gets quite surreal – it’s like the teabagging thing, y’know?

  79. Being both a dog lover and athiest, at first this concept of taking care of “rapured” folks dogs made me laugh. A nanosecond later I realized the concept gives creedence to god et al, and we can’t have any of that shit. So let’s say we athiests will care for your dogs when the rapture duz NOT come, and you are too dispondent over living a myth, to care for them yourselves.

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