Fun with a bank's secret questions and answers

Laszlo Thoth's bank has a security procedure that uses customer-created questions and answers. When you call the bank, the customer service rep asks you the question, and you provide the answer. Here are some sample Q&A's that Thoth and his readers came up with.

Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?
A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.
Q: What the hell is your fucking problem, sir?
A: This is completely inappropriate and I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Q: Are you really who you say you are?
A: No, I am a Russian identity thief.
Q: Your voice is really turning me on.
A: I like where this is going. Tell me more.
Q: Do you know the answer to your secret question?
A: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you. Can you repeat that?

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Fun With Secret Questions & Answers

Mark Frauenfelder is the founder of Boing Boing and the editor-in-chief of MAKE and Cool Tools. Twitter: @frauenfelder. Come and hear Mark speak at the ALA conference in Chicago on July 1.

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nanite2000

Q: Is this a question?
A: If so, then this is the answer.

(Sorry – maybe a bit too obvious.)
Anonymous

Q: Would you like to play with my monkey?
A: No, because it is time to dance!
Anonymous

I always raise a slight smile with this one…
Q-Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
A-SHAFT!
And I presume I got a telephone operator with a sense of humour last time as she then replied…
“Ya damn right!”
Ichabod

Q: What is the air speed of an unladen swallow?
A: What do you mean,African or European?
Ichabod

Q: What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and everything?
A: 42

(Sorry)
- Felton
  
  Alternately…
  
  Q: How many roads must a man walk down?
  A: 42
  - Ichabod
    
    Ah yes, that’s a good one.
sloverlord

It’d be even better if there were a set of questions the y had to answer:

Q: What country you from?
A: What?
Q: ‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of, they speak English in ‘What’?
A: What?
Q: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
A: What?
tumblingwall

This makes me want to work for them, just to be paid to ask nonsense questions.
resigned idealist

Q. Would you like fries with that?
A. And a chocolate milkshake please.

Q. Where would you like your million dollars deposited?
A. My offshore account please.
Matt Deckard

Q: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?
A: In women’s tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.

All these pop culture ones are perfect, because if you like the same films or books as I do, you deserve all of the money in my bank account.
Brendan McCue

Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Devo!
grimc

Q: Who are you?
A: Who, who; who-who.
Anonymous

I was sure this was a misspelled post about Don Novello. I’m showing my age.
Felton

Q: Do you know I work for a greedy bunch of bastards?
A: Yes, yes. Now, about my account…
magicseth

Q: [This user has not yet set up a security Question]
A: [Offer them a $100 credit for establishing one at this time]
littlerunninggag

Q: Yeah. Whatsda passwoid?
A: Ken sent me
Heartfruit

As much fun as the BB community seems to be having with this topic, a former instructor of mine, specifically recommend against this style of security questions because inevitably, someone will put something so sexually explicit in their question that your staff would rather quit then stay that to a stranger on the phone.
- sloverlord
  
  But on the other hand, the security provided by pre-set security questions is inevitably miserable. For most websites I see, all four/five of the “security” questions have answers that are either easily guessable, or public knowledge. I always choose “mother’s maiden name” then just type a longer random phrase than my regular password, but having the ability to create a personalized question is more convenient still.
  
  And it’s not like their setup process can’t filter these questions.
  - Galadriel
    
    I tend to ignore the questions and make up my own answers too. All the standard security questions tend to be easy to guess or public record. How many people have mothers who GO BY their maiden names because it’s never been changed or they changed it back? I mean, really now.
    
    Not that I’m interesting or wealthy enough for anyone to put even minimal effort into breaking into my accounts…I’m just paranoid.
Anonymous

Q: Who are you?
A: The new Number 2.

Q: Who is Number 1?
A: You are Number 6.

The truly clued in agent will then respond with, I am not a number, I am a free man. And you’re allowed to laugh maniacally at this point.
Anonymous

Best one:

Q What is best in life?
A To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Anonymous

Q: What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl?
A: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
MelSkunk

Q : You take sugar?
A : No thank you, Turkish – I’m sweet enough.
ill lich

Q: na’mean?
A: werd!

Q: you know how we do?
A: s’all good yo.
Trent Hawkins

Hm… I think this actually encourages identity theft. I certainly feel the desire to call up and try to guess user’s passwords.
hershmire

Who is John Galt?
Anonymous

Q: What are you wearing?
A: I don’t think that’s appropriate.
alphagirl

Q: what’s the difference between a duck?
A: one of its legs are both yellow
- corinroyal
  
  That hurt my brain.
Anonymous

Q Give me that PIN number you got scrawled on the lavatory wall, ok?
A 6060-842
coldspell

Q: Shall we play a game?
A: Let’s play Global Thermonuclear War.
Bloodboiler

Q: Listen. I took a huge risk letting you in here after everyone had left. WHERE IS MU CUT?!
A: You get nothing and like it, bitch.

Q: The voices are just getting louder. Are you sure this new medication is good for me?
A: toot….toot…..toot

Q: Darmok on the ocean. Zinda, his face black, his eyes red?
A: Shaka, when the walls fell.
james

Q: What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?

A: I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)
Felton

Q: Are you classified as human?
A: Negative, I am a meat popsicle.
PeaceNerd

Q: Who let the dogs out?
A:
Anonymous

Personally, I find this approach a lot better than my bank’s “choose a question from the list of predetermined questions” which usually includes things like “what is your favourite movie?”. Although my bank doesn’t use them for phone, but rather for logging into web banking from a new computer. However my solution is to pick a random string that has nothing to do with the question as my answer. How is knowing my favourite movie a valid security criteria when such a large percentage of identity thefts are done by people who know the victim.
- Anonymous
  
  The mother’s maiden name is so absurd. I kept my name when we married, all our kids’ friends from high school and earlier know my maiden name.
Anonymous

Q While the we are waiting for the computer to refresh, would it be okay for me to talk to you about some private stuff?

A Maybe we should keep it professional.
Anonymous

Q: Who are you?
A: I am Domingo Montoya, you killed my father, Prepare to die.
scamboogah

Q: Who Stole a bit that Eugene Mirman’s been doing in his act for several years now?

A: Laszlo Toth
Anonymous

I can’t believe nobody did this one yet.

Q. What happen?
A. Someone set us up the bomb.
kmoser

Q: How many times did your father hang you on a nail?
A: Once.

Q: Kenneth, what is the frequency?
A: I’m not Kenneth.

Q: This is the Banker. Will you sell me your suitcase for $1,000,000?
A: No deal.

Q: Can you say something original?
A: Can you say something original?
Trotsky

Q: We’re ashamed to live here. Our fathers are cowards.

A: Don’t you ever say that again about your fathers, because they are not cowards. You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility, for you, your brothers, your sisters, and your mothers. And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends and it twists them until finally it buries them under the ground. And there’s nobody says they have to do this. They do it because they love you, and because they want to. I have never had this kind of courage. Running a farm, working like a mule every day with no guarantee anything will ever come of it. This is bravery. That’s why I never even started anything like that… that’s why I never will.
corinroyal

Q: Is it safe?
A: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

It only works if you picture Sir Larry with a dental implement.
- bwcbwc
  
  Please sir Lord Larry. He was made a baronet near the end of his life.
AllisonWunderland

What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something . . .
corinroyal

Q: Would you let me dress you? I mean help you pick out your clothes before we go out? Not ’cause you’re helpless, but sometimes these are the things real love’s about.
A: Sure.
- corinroyal
  
  This is fun. But now I’m desperate.
  
  Q: OH MY GOD! What have you done with my baby?
  A: I don’t know; I’m trippin’.
  
  Q: Have I gone to Hell? Is that it? Have I gone straight to Hell?
  A: You lazy bitch! I’m out working my tail off all day, and you’re in there, fuckin’ MIDGETS!
  
  Q: Go ahead, feel her up! Just like you did to me! Find em, feel em, fuck em, forget em… is THAT your new motto?
  A: Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy, before I plug it up with my fist.
  
  Q: Why did you tell me to come this way, Grizelda? You know I hate nature! Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen. Oh, I can’t stand this scenery another minute. All natural forests should be turned into housing developments! I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation. Don’t we taxpayers have a voice anymore?
  A: Every word I ever utter shall be considered a royal proclamation!
  
  Q: Go home to your mother! Doesn’t she ever watch you? Tell her this isn’t some communist daycare center! Tell your mother I hate her! Tell your mother I hate you!
  A: I never thought you’d rape your own sister!
scamboogah

http://comedians.jokes.com/eugene-mirman/videos/eugene-mirman—security-question
Ryanwoofs

Q: My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
A: I’d rather hear about your weiners.
Angstrom

Q: I hate my job and my idiot supervisor, he records all these stupid calls “for training purposes”, but I think he actually whacks off to them in the toilets, the fat ugly slob. Anyway – what can I do for you?

A: I really don’t think you should be saying that.
Anonymous

Q: Who is number 1?
A: You are number 6.

Q: What’s it got in its pocketses?
A: String, or nothing.
Trotsky

Q: You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you

A: My father’s name was Antonio Andolini… and this is for you.
w000t

Q: What is your secret word?
A: That’s right.
Q: What’s right?
A: Yes.
Q: Sir, you’re going to have to tell me your secret word.
A: What?
Q: I said please tell me your secret word.
A: What?
Q: What’s your secret word?
A: Yes.
Q: Sorry, “yes” is not your secret word. You have two more chances.
A: I said what?
Q: Yes.
A: Right, so you admit I said it.
Q: No, you said “yes.”
A: No, “what!”
Q: When?
A: When you asked for my secret word!
Q: What?
A: Yes!
Q: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. You have one more chance to say your secret word.
A: I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
Q: Very well, I’ll transfer you. His name is Hu.
rebdav

Q:We intercepted no transmissions… This is a consular ship… We’re on a diplomatic mission…

A:If this is a consular ship, WHERE is the ambassador?… Commander, tear this ship apart until you find those plans! Bring me the passengers, I want them ALIVE!
Galadriel

Q: It’s merely symptomatic of our post-modern ennui.
A: I like pork!
Boba Fett Diop

Q: What does your milkshake bring?

A: All the boys to the yard.
tedder

Was travelling internationally for a year, and needed to get into a stock account. Couldn’t remember what I put for ‘vacation destination’, because the correct answer is “everywhere”. Anyhow, the phone drone finally, awkwardly, gave us the answer, since I couldn’t remember it.

The answer to my favorite vacation destination? Uranus.
archanoid

Q: Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
A: I’m sorry we must have a bad connection…could you repeat that?
sk8rboi69

Q: Works on contingency?
A: No, money down!
archanoid

Q: How do you pronounce fhqwgahds?
A: fhqwgahds
Phikus

Q: Whatcha gonna do when you get outa jail?
A: I’m gonna have some fun!

Q: What do you consider fun?
A: Fun, natural fun!
Anonymous

Q: WHERE’S THE MONEY LEBOWSKI?
A: Oh, I’m sure it’s in here somewhere.
Anonymous

Q: What do we get for 10 Dollars?
A: Everything you want.
Milo

Q: Am I Turing-complete?
A: Sorry, could you repeat that?
mr_subjunctive

Q. Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Ra, ma, ra-ma-ma! Ga, ga, ooh-la-la!
A. Want your bad romance.

Q. You down with OPP?
A. Yeah, you know me.
Anonymous

Q: Cake or Death!??
A: Umm, I’ll have the chicken
se7a7n7

Q: Would you like a bonus $1,000 for being a good customer?
A: Yes, I would!!!
Felton

Q: Do you shee the beasht? Have you got it in your shights?

A: Clear enough, Missh Moneypenny. This should preshent no shignificant problemsh.
jtegnell

Q: “What about my pickle?”
A: “You’re lucky you still have your brown paper bag, small change!”
TimDrew

Q: Where’s the subject?

A: I want to see it work on a person. I want to see a negative before I provide you with a positive.
- Nonentity
  
  @45: That’s probably the most secure one I’ve seen. It’s cute if you know where it’s from, but not exactly the first thing that would come to mind in response to the question.
Dor

Q: What have you done with Brad?
A: Nothing. Should I?
Anonymous

Q: He told me you killed him!
A: No. I am your father.
davy_k

Q. Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about… your mother.
A. My mother? Let me tell you about my mother.
- Brendan McCue
  
  Bonus points if your name is Leon.
I Am Epiglottis

By the comedian Lucy Porter:
Q: Where do you think you’re going dressed like that?
A: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!

Q: Is that you Donald?
A: No Grandma, it’s Simon. Donald died in the war, remember?
bwcbwc

Q: Who, who are you?
A: My name is In~igo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

On second thought…
bwcbwc

Q: Can you open the door, Man? It’s Dave.
A: Dave? Dave’s not here.
Urban Garlic

Is William Burroughs too obscure? Dead City Radio, I think:

Q: What does death need time for?
A: Death needs time for what it kills to grow in.
Anonymous

Penny Arcade dealt with this a long time ago: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/7/12/
bwcbwc

Sorry, I should’ve saved them all for one post. My apologies.

Some older classics:
Q: Your money or your life?
A: I’m thinking.

Q: Say goodnight, Gracie.
A: Goodnight, Gracie.

Q: Are we there yet?
A: If you kids don’t shut up I’m going to stop the car and make you walk home.

And back to modern times…
Q: Did you watch the new Lady Gaga video yet?
A: I tried, but I got Rickrolled.
Solarkite

Q: Is your answer to this question, “No”?
A: Yes
A: NO!
A: Arghhh!
Anonymous

Q: Thank you for bailing out our Bank’s continuing malfeasance with your tax money.
A: Viva corporate welfare!

Q: As agreed, I’ll leave the vault open and the rear door unlocked.
A: My hovercraft is full of eels.
Donald Petersen

Q: If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man. You win some, lose some, it’s all the same to me.

A: I like what you’ve done with the hold music.
- Anonymous
  
  Motorhead for the win. Can I have your money?
Matt Powell

Q. Do I really have to ask this ridiculous security question?
A. You have to do whatever the suits tell you to do, because this call may be monitored for training and quality assurance purposes.
rhinny

British comedian Lucy Porter has a routine about this very thing, in which she reveals that her old banking question was something like

“You’re not going out dressed like that, are you?”
“You’re not my real Dad and you can’t tell me what to do!”
j9c

Q: Do you remember Rick Astley?
A: He had a big fat hit that was ghastly.

Q: This is Worker speaking. Hello.
A: Why does the Porridge Bird lay his eggs in the air?