Officer Vader suit for your riot-control needs

If you're feeling alone and vulnerable in a big, troubled world, Amazon has this "Damascus FX1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Full Body Crowd Control System," which will provide you with the physical protection and the emotional distance necessary to beat, gas, and detain your fellow human beings. All for a mere $545.95!

The FX-1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Crowd Control System is the ultimate high-threat level riot control, domestic disturbance, and cell extraction suit. The FlexForce design provides substantial protection from blunt force trauma without sacrificing the fit or comfort. The suit is lightweight and ranks highest in easy to put on or take off in a moments notice. The front and back hard shell panels have a modular flex design allowing for all shapes and sizes to fit comfortably with out sacrificing much needed mobility. The forearm guard offers a much more comfortable elbow portion of the pad, which allows more flexibility. The knee/shin guard has a non-slip surface, which keeps you planted in position. The FX-1 is a considerably improved fitting system compared to competitor models and is worn by forces worldwide.Upper Body and Shoulder Protection.Hard shell front and back panels feature a unique Damascus 3-panel flex design for optimum movement, fit and comfort.

I love that it's a "system" and not a "Hallowe'en costume for terrified control-freaks and mall-ninjas."

Damascus FX1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Full Body Crowd Control System, Medium (via Red Ferret)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: Gadgets • police • protest • weapons

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Hakuin

wonder what it does when you get one down and straddle his neck and twist?
ironix

What will the fetish market think of next.
- Cowicide
  
  Pink versions?
http://noctilucent-studios.blogspot.com/ Noctilucent Studios

All sorts of vulnerable spots on the backs of the legs.
- http://www.facebook.com/MichaelDawson5423 Michael Dawson
  
  if someone can get at the back of your legs you have bigger problems
  - EnglebertFlaptyback
    
    I would think these would be quite vulnerable to an anti-personnel device, lobbed over the head or rolled between those standing in a line.
  - donovan acree
    
    Clearly, you have never been beaten by an old man with a cane.
    - Ito Kagehisa
      
      Stop giving away my secrets.
Antinous / Moderator

The wedgie potential is strong with this one. It’s a fucking exo-thong.
http://whimsicalacious.tumblr.com/ Patrick McGorrill

Could be a great investment for the sort of person who does a lot of protesting but has been getting worried about an increasing risk of injury from blunt trauma and eye irritants. But I’m guessing this wouldn’t protect from most chemical weapons, tazers, or microwave cannons. All the same it’d be something to see a black bloc outfitted in these.
- http://imcravingpresidency.tumblr.com/ SedanChair
  
  This is what the cops use on us when we show up with nothing. If we showed up like this, they’d use an Apache.
  - pKp
    
    This. Don’t get into an arm race with the pigs. They’ll win.
    - http://www.disoriented.net/ angusm
      
      Not only will they win, but we – as taxpayers – will pay for them to win.
  - Ihavenofuckingname
    
    They’ll get an Apache anyway. They seem to be in an arms race with other precincts.
  - SDN
    
    They have to sleep sometime…. and somewhere.
Cowicide

Perfect for women’s rights rallies in Virginia.

I so wish I was kidding…

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/03/03/1070687/-BREAKING-Peaceful-Rally-for-Women-s-Health-Dispersed-by-SWAT-Team-in-Richmond-VA
Mister44

Looks like it would be good for zombies….

Seriously though – I’d love to try the thigh and hip armor. Id love to play paintball again, but am scared that my tumor ridden left leg will get hit.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=749833892 Florian Braun

you know, if i had the money to blow, this would be a fun thing to own if you like to do any kinds of martial arts sparring, go full force and still no one gets hurt….

Just trying to think of constructive uses.
- SomeGuyNamedMark
  
  You can roshambo each other in this
cstatman

Cory, thank you so much for the Mall Ninja reference, I’d almost forgotten about the mall Ninja, and I’m going over to re-read, as I need humor now…

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
robuluz

I like it, even though I’ve yet to have a chance to use it in a real situation as I just recently received it.

Hold strong young man, the end times are nearly upon us. Then you’ll be able to go batshit crazy in that thing! Right? Fuck yeah!
Preston Sturges

Two words: war hammer
- SomeGuyNamedMark
  
  Needs more spikes on it
- pKp
  
  Or just a classic pike. Any piercing implement, really.
  - Preston Sturges
    
    In real life, if organized groups of people were roaming the street with bill hooks and pole axes, the .50 cals would be deployed in a heartbeat.
    - http://pulse.yahoo.com/_OAUXAA362EXWLYVMPJOKLFB5JQ Incipient Madness
      
      They’ll take my Lucerne Hammer away from me when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
pjcamp

You can wear it when you ride in your Badonkadonk Tank:

http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE

Yippie-tie-one-on!
- Bonobo
  
  I viewed all customer reviews, sorted by “most helpful first” and went to the last page. Ahhh. It’s nice to feel superior to people who don’t get a joke.
  - Cowicide
    
    It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate.
voiceinthedistance

The goggles ruin it for me. They had their chance, and they blew it.
- Cowicide
  
  The goggles look stupid and I don’t like how the helmet doesn’t protect the back of the neck, etc., it would be more practical if it was designed more like this:
Mister44

See – like I said – good for zombies. http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/515fjcIeuXL.jpg
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504613204 Clyde Shaffer

This came up in the suggested other items list on Amazon when I bought a riot shield for the hell of it. Someday after I’ve graduated and paid off school debts I can get this and at last become Batman.
SomeGuyNamedMark

This would be a great suit to wear to instigate a riot too
http://borborygmist.influxofdust.com/ Wayne Dyer

If they had this in my corpulent size, I’d get one. Put it on to go get the mail. Wear to office parties. I’d replace “POLICE” with something more interesting though.
- Pedantic Douchebag
  
  Mine would say “PIZZA SPECIALIST”.
http://www.mrericsir.com MrEricSir

Given all the whacked-out crackheads in my neighborhood, maybe I should buy one.
- Cowicide
  
  To more safely purchase crack?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=605790351 Ryan Holmes

Just saw The Raid: Redemption last night. I know what Im going as next Halloween, now.
salsaman

With a whistle, enough paint, feathers, and LED’s, and a sticker to cover up POLICE (“FUN POLICE”?), this could be a fun Burning Man get up.
Vilhelm

Quoth the listing: “The suit is lightweight and ranks highest in easy to put on or take off in a moments notice.”

Horrible misuse of English aside, why do we need to “take off” our riot suit on a “moments [sic] notice”?
- robuluz
  
  You never know. If you’re really effective, the tone of the whole thing might change drastically.
  - Pedantic Douchebag
    
    Cute Protestor: Wanna have sex behind a dumpster?
    
    Riot Cop: Yeah, okay.
- penguinchris
  
  If your suit catches fire from a tossed molotov cocktail, you might want to be able to remove it?
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    Pussy.
- Preston Sturges
  
  You have to be able to take it off when it gets spattered with alien acid blood.
Preston Sturges

The main vulnerability of this outfit is jujitsu, which is not really the ideal art for a melee situation. But still, all that armor between the knee and collar bone offers an unlimited number of grab points for take downs, foot sweeps, and throws. Also, just grabbing onto the top edge of the breast plate and hanging ones entire body weight off it would topple the wearer. You can bear a second persons body weight when it’s over your center of gravity, but offet the weight and over you go.
- Snig
  
  There’s also a small thermal exhaust port, two meters wide, right below the main port.
- Mahhn
  
  as a fellow martial artist, it looks weak to me too. Beside being weak to Jujitsu methods -
  Neck, armpit, lower abdomen, inside of thighs, is unguarded (these are kill zones with a small knife).
  Peripheral vision is blocked.
  As you say all the straps and guards make great handles for manipulating them.
  It’s more scary looking that effective, so it’s good for movies and hiding your identity of your a state sponsored terrorist.
grimc

Damascus? Yeah, I guess for some people Syria is a prime example of how to handle a “domestic disturbance”.
Will Bueche

I just want pants like (some of) the Avengers wear. I’m thinking of Scarlett Johanssen’s outfit, but in a male style.

It will happen. Superhero cartoons of 30 years ago led to people wearing spandex skiwear and leggings in real life. It is inevitable that the Superhero movies of today will soon lead to pants made out of strange leather-plastic-like materials.
That_Anonymous_Coward

YAY Bringing codpieces back from the dark ages…

Imagine outfitting an entire Occupy protest with these… they’d be so confused about who to pepperspray and beat.
- bumpngrindcore
  
  The codpiece is the single greatest item of clothing ever invented, and if I were supreme ruler of the world I would make it compulsory for every man to wear one.
  - Ipo
    
    But then you risk a nudist uprising.
Will Bueche

Strangest pants I’ve seen: These pants have built in tourniquets, for when you are planning to get shot in the legs:
http://www.amazon.com/Tactical-I-T-S-Pant-Khaki-28/dp/B000X7R45Y
- Preston Sturges
  
  I have cold war era German army surplus pants that had 3 ft of cotton webbing sewn into each cargo pocket. I eventually realized they were tourniquets, cut out the webbing, and used it for zipper pulls.
- SPQR9
  
  Those tourniquets have worked on people in the sandbox.
JhmL

Vader? More like what the speed-bike riders wore… :)
Hanglyman

“The FX-1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Crowd Control System”

Your parents help you hook it up! The Legend of Zelda sold separately.
Capital_7

They’re really getting that intimidating asshole look down, aren’t they?
- http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan
  
  See @bumpngrindcore, below.
bumpngrindcore

Heh. Looks like your average disposable guard in a videogame.
http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan

I hope you can customise the ventral heading text.

‘Empire‘ in Palace Script could work, momentarily lulling your disturbance participants into thinking ‘Ooh! A friendly Cinema Usher’.

Oh – and can you get one in Federation Red?
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jenn-Chlebus/100000210481615 Jenn Chlebus

I’ll bet this is on Phoenix Jones’s Wish List.
http://www.oeilgauche.com/ Ludovic Pessot

The manufacturer is called “Damascus”?? Come on, that’s way too easy…
Pedantic Douchebag

If only I’d had gear like this when I bounced at punk clubs years ago…maybe my knees would work properly.
- Lobster
  
  FASCIST OPPRESSOR!!!!
  - Pedantic Douchebag
    
    Heh. More like “Guy Who Stops An Idiot From Beating Up A Girl Only To Have Her Break A Beer Bottle On My Head”.
    - Ipo
      
      He knew her, I guess.
      - Pedantic Douchebag
        
        Love is a strange and wonderful thing.
grip

Motorcycle armor is expensive. For $600 this looks like reasonably priced road protection if it is resistant to mid-speed abrasion. Most of my riding gear has padding like this just covered with a fabric shell … which might be its downside. The last thing you want while skidding across the pavement is for your knee protection to catch a groove in the pavement and to dislocate your lower leg.
- Lobster
  
  Second last thing.
  
  The last thing you want is for the pavement to sand your leg down to the bone.
J.C.

“Pick up that can.”
http://acksed.livejournal.com/ AckSed

The next step is NCR Ranger Armor.
IronEdithKidd

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: between Amazon and ebay, you can buy anything.

Pro-tip: better (and far more affordable) personal “armour” can be found at your local Play-it-Again Sports shop.
Moriarty

Vulnerable to Ewoks.
RedShirt77

Does this come in fat? I feel like they may need a larger size, without looking like John Candy in space balls.
Josiah White

It’s hilarious that you kept your Amazon Affiliate number in there Cory. You know, just in case someone buys this mess, you still get some green.
Lobster

OK then. What SHOULD riot police look like? Or should we not have them? Are we questioning the morality of the individual wearing the armor, or the validity of the profession?

I’m sorry but there’s a point where “valid concerns about abuse of power” crosses over into “cynical teenager rejection of all authority.”

I’m confident someone’ll set me straight on this with an anecdote about police brutality that is in all ways representative of all police officers and a fair demonstration of their intended role in modern society. After all, a riot cop has never been killed in the line of duty. Ever.
- donovan acree
  
  They should look like police. The militarization of the modern police force concerns many people, not just snarky teens. And for good reason. If you are unsure why this is a problem, I’ll leave it to you and your favorite search engine to do some self education.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  After all, a riot cop has never been killed in the line of duty.
  
  Maybe you should provide us with some statistics on numbers of riot cops killed and injured versus numbers of unarmed civilians killed and injured. I’m just positive that would prove your point.
- Ito Kagehisa
  
  When Cuchulain returns to Emain Macha, one eye swelled as large as a goblet and the other shrunk to the size of a pea, his clothes and armor burning off his body in the heat of his anger, and all the folk of Emain Macha realize that in his battle-rage he’s most likely going to slay them all, Conchobar’s wife leads all the nubile women out of the fortress naked. Cuchulain is shocked out of his anger, and, realizing he’s nude in the sight of the womenfolk he runs to the stream to hide under the bridge, where the heat of his body boils the water and kills all the fish for a mile upstream.
  
  So, obviously, from historical precedent: cops should be beautiful and naked.
  
  It would work a hell of a lot better than anything people are doing today.
  - Sparg
    
    Abú, Cúchulainn!
- http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/42THFKXIPMJHQBIH6OPI4RVIDY Thebes
  
  I think the better question is why our nation should so often need riot police responding when there are no actual riots.
  
  I could understand this sort of armour if the police were actually confronting Molotov throwing miscreants… but lately they use to to deal with “unlawful camping” while spraying CS gas at people as if it were bugspray and the protesters bugs.
http://evilbobdayjob.blogspot.com/ Deidzoeb

This looks like a different direction for the Survivaball.
http://www.survivaball.com/
http://mariess.co.uk mariess

i actually think this would make quite cool protection for motorcyclists. aside for the obvious colour issue…
Charles Bennett

Supper Hoodie from the Misfits
Preston Sturges

From a 14th century perspective, it looks weakest around the collar bone, so he could be taken down by a peasant with a maul. That’s setting the bar pretty high, but I’d still consider it the weak point.
- http://profile.yahoo.com/FHIRMMNK3YQDBB7X2TOBI7YJF4 T
  
  Well, I happen to have a maul in my garage for splitting firewood. I think it would work on a collarbone too …
Sparg

Guess they gotta put “POLICE” on the uni so we don’t think they’re soldiers from PKD’s Black Iron Prison.
caseym54

It’s a bit worrisome that purchasers “also bought” a can of Zippo lighter fluid.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/42THFKXIPMJHQBIH6OPI4RVIDY Thebes

Wow, right now I could buy a dozen outfits for my friends and we could kick in peoples’ doors pretending to look for drugs, then rob then once they’re secured.

Not my sort of thing to do, but its got to make you wonder how often it happens, especially as SWAT team raids are increasingly used for non-violent crimes.
Ed Sevennten

The funny thing about the Darth Vader get up is that the police hardly ever confronts the forces of mayhem. Every time the WTO/OWS protesters start taking over cities and destroying private property, the Darth Vader-clad police stands there unengaged. As as far as crowd control (and punishment) is concerned, I’ll take the short sleeve, baby blue, baton-wielding Chicago cops of the late 1960′s.
Fat_Man

There are no crowd control problems that Ma Deuce cannot solve.
http://www.facebook.com/urbanoutlaw David Seip

So what’s wrong with http://www.scificool.com/images/2010/09/judge-dredd.jpg
http://opinion.ak4mc.us/ McGehee, a.k.a. Scribe of Slog

“I find your lack of respect for my authoritah disturbing.”
LadyTigerTexas

I can totally see this at a Halloween party! And the Grand Prize goes to …The Riot Policeman and his scantily clad OWS protestor date! Sweet! But then she leaves him for the Guy Fawkes mask wearer.. Awe!
Bruno_Behrend

It looks like my roller blading gear, being 50+ and all…