Officer Vader suit for your riot-control needs

If you're feeling alone and vulnerable in a big, troubled world, Amazon has this "Damascus FX1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Full Body Crowd Control System," which will provide you with the physical protection and the emotional distance necessary to beat, gas, and detain your fellow human beings. All for a mere $545.95!

The FX-1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Crowd Control System is the ultimate high-threat level riot control, domestic disturbance, and cell extraction suit. The FlexForce design provides substantial protection from blunt force trauma without sacrificing the fit or comfort. The suit is lightweight and ranks highest in easy to put on or take off in a moments notice. The front and back hard shell panels have a modular flex design allowing for all shapes and sizes to fit comfortably with out sacrificing much needed mobility. The forearm guard offers a much more comfortable elbow portion of the pad, which allows more flexibility. The knee/shin guard has a non-slip surface, which keeps you planted in position. The FX-1 is a considerably improved fitting system compared to competitor models and is worn by forces worldwide.Upper Body and Shoulder Protection.Hard shell front and back panels feature a unique Damascus 3-panel flex design for optimum movement, fit and comfort.

I love that it's a "system" and not a "Hallowe'en costume for terrified control-freaks and mall-ninjas."

Damascus FX1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Full Body Crowd Control System, Medium (via Red Ferret)


      1. I would think these would be quite vulnerable to an anti-personnel device, lobbed over the head or rolled between those standing in a line.

  1. Could be a great investment for the sort of person who does a lot of protesting but has been getting worried about an increasing risk of injury from blunt trauma and eye irritants. But I’m guessing this wouldn’t protect from most chemical weapons, tazers, or microwave cannons. All the same it’d be something to see a black bloc outfitted in these.

      1.  They’ll get an Apache anyway.  They seem to be in an arms race with other precincts.

  2. Looks like it would be good for zombies….

    Seriously though – I’d love to try the thigh and hip armor. Id love to play paintball again, but am scared that my tumor ridden left leg will get hit.

  3. you know, if i had the money to blow, this would be a fun thing to own if you like to do any kinds of martial arts sparring, go full force and still no one gets hurt….

    Just trying to think of constructive uses.

  4.  I like it, even though I’ve yet to have a chance to use it in a real situation as I just recently received it.

    Hold strong young man, the end times are nearly upon us. Then you’ll be able to go batshit crazy in that thing! Right? Fuck yeah!

      1. In real life, if organized groups of people were roaming the street with bill hooks and pole axes, the .50 cals would be deployed in a heartbeat.  

    1. I viewed all customer reviews, sorted by “most helpful first” and went to the last page. Ahhh. It’s nice to feel superior to people who don’t get a joke.

      1. It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate.

    1. The goggles look stupid and I don’t like how the helmet doesn’t protect the back of the neck, etc., it would be more practical if it was designed more like this:

  5. This came up in the suggested other items list on Amazon when I bought a riot shield for the hell of it. Someday after I’ve graduated and paid off school debts I can get this and at last become Batman.

  6. If they had this in my corpulent size, I’d get one.  Put it on to go get the mail.  Wear to office parties.  I’d replace “POLICE” with something more interesting though.

  7. With a whistle, enough paint, feathers, and LED’s, and a sticker to cover up POLICE (“FUN POLICE”?), this could be a fun Burning Man get up.

  8. Quoth the listing: “The suit is lightweight and ranks highest in easy to put on or take off in a moments notice.”

    Horrible misuse of English aside, why do we need to “take off” our riot suit on a “moments [sic] notice”?

    1. You never know. If you’re really effective, the tone of the whole thing might change drastically.

    2.  If your suit catches fire from a tossed molotov cocktail, you might want to be able to remove it?

  9. The main vulnerability of this outfit is jujitsu, which is not really the ideal art for a melee situation. But still, all that armor between the knee and collar bone offers an unlimited number of grab points for take downs, foot sweeps, and throws. Also, just grabbing onto the top edge of the breast plate and hanging ones entire body weight off it would topple the wearer. You can bear a second persons body weight when it’s over your center of gravity, but offet the weight and over you go.

    1.  as a fellow martial artist, it looks weak to me too. Beside being weak to Jujitsu methods –
      Neck,  armpit, lower abdomen, inside of thighs, is unguarded (these are kill zones with a small knife).
      Peripheral vision is blocked.
      As you say all the straps and guards make great handles for manipulating them.
      It’s more scary looking that effective, so it’s good for movies and hiding your identity of your a state sponsored terrorist.

  10. Damascus? Yeah, I guess for some people Syria is a prime example of how to handle a “domestic disturbance”.

  11. I just want pants like (some of) the Avengers wear. I’m thinking of Scarlett Johanssen’s outfit, but in a male style.

    It will happen. Superhero cartoons of 30 years ago led to people wearing spandex skiwear and leggings in real life. It is inevitable that the Superhero movies of today will soon lead to pants made out of strange leather-plastic-like materials.

  12. YAY Bringing codpieces back from the dark ages…

    Imagine outfitting an entire Occupy protest with these… they’d be so confused about who to pepperspray and beat.

    1. The codpiece is the single greatest item of clothing ever invented, and if I were supreme ruler of the world I would make it compulsory for every man to wear one. 

    1. I have cold war era German army surplus pants that had 3 ft of cotton webbing sewn into each cargo pocket. I eventually realized they were tourniquets, cut out the webbing, and used it for zipper pulls. 

  13. “The FX-1 FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Crowd Control System”

    Your parents help you hook it up! The Legend of Zelda sold separately.

  14. I hope you can customise the ventral heading text.

    Empire‘ in Palace Script could work, momentarily lulling your  disturbance participants into thinking ‘Ooh! A friendly Cinema Usher’.

    Oh – and can you get one in Federation Red?

  15. If only I’d had gear like this when I bounced at punk clubs years ago…maybe my knees would work properly.

      1. Heh. More like “Guy Who Stops An Idiot From Beating Up A Girl Only To Have Her Break A Beer Bottle On My Head”.

  16. Motorcycle armor is expensive.  For $600 this looks like reasonably priced road protection if it is resistant to mid-speed abrasion.  Most of my riding gear has padding like this just covered with a fabric shell … which might be its downside. The last thing you want while skidding across the pavement is for your knee protection to catch a groove in the pavement and to dislocate your lower leg.

    1.  Second last thing.

      The last thing you want is for the pavement to sand your leg down to the bone.

  17. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: between Amazon and ebay, you can buy anything.

    Pro-tip: better (and far more affordable) personal “armour” can be found at your local Play-it-Again Sports shop. 

  18. Does this come in fat?  I feel like they may need a larger size, without looking like John Candy  in space balls.

  19. It’s hilarious that you kept your Amazon Affiliate number in there Cory. You know, just in case someone buys this mess, you still get some green.

  20. OK then.  What SHOULD riot police look like?  Or should we not have them?  Are we questioning the morality of the individual wearing the armor, or the validity of the profession?

    I’m sorry but there’s a point where “valid concerns about abuse of power” crosses over into “cynical teenager rejection of all authority.” 

    I’m confident someone’ll set me straight on this with an anecdote about police brutality that is in all ways representative of all police officers and a fair demonstration of their intended role in modern society.  After all, a riot cop has never been killed in the line of duty.  Ever.

    1.  They should look like police. The militarization of the modern police force concerns many people, not just snarky teens. And for good reason. If you are unsure why this is a problem, I’ll leave it to you and your favorite search engine to do some self education.

    2. After all, a riot cop has never been killed in the line of duty.

      Maybe you should provide us with some statistics on numbers of riot cops killed and injured versus numbers of unarmed civilians killed and injured. I’m just positive that would prove your point.

    3. When Cuchulain  returns to Emain Macha, one eye swelled as large as a goblet and the other shrunk to the size of a pea, his clothes and armor burning off his body in the heat of his anger, and all the folk of Emain Macha realize that in his battle-rage he’s most likely going to slay them all, Conchobar’s wife leads all the nubile women out of the fortress naked.  Cuchulain is shocked out of his anger, and,  realizing he’s nude in the sight of the womenfolk he runs to the stream to hide under the bridge, where the heat of his body boils the water and kills all the fish for a mile upstream.

      So, obviously, from historical precedent:  cops should be beautiful and naked.

      It would work a hell of a lot better than anything people are doing today.

    4. I think the better question is why our nation should so often need riot police responding when there are no actual riots.

      I could understand this sort of armour if the police were actually confronting Molotov throwing miscreants… but lately they use to to deal with “unlawful camping” while spraying CS gas at people as if it were bugspray and the protesters bugs.

  21. From a 14th century perspective, it looks weakest around the collar bone, so he could be taken down by a peasant with a maul. That’s  setting the bar pretty high, but I’d still consider it the weak point.

    1. Well, I happen to have a maul in my garage for splitting firewood. I think it would work on a collarbone too …

  22. Guess they gotta put “POLICE” on the uni so we don’t think they’re soldiers from PKD’s Black Iron Prison.

  23. Wow, right now I could buy a dozen outfits for my friends and we could kick in peoples’ doors pretending to look for drugs, then rob then once they’re secured.

    Not my sort of thing to do, but its got to make you wonder how often it happens, especially as SWAT team raids are increasingly used  for non-violent crimes.

  24. The funny thing about the Darth Vader get up is that the police hardly ever confronts the forces of mayhem.  Every time the WTO/OWS protesters start taking over cities and destroying private property, the Darth Vader-clad police stands there unengaged.  As as far as crowd control (and punishment) is concerned, I’ll take the short sleeve, baby blue, baton-wielding Chicago cops of the late 1960’s.

  25. I can totally see this at a Halloween party! And the Grand Prize goes to …The Riot Policeman and his scantily clad OWS protestor date! Sweet! But then she leaves him for the Guy Fawkes mask wearer.. Awe!

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