Zookeeper reportedly licks baby monkey's anus for over an hour


84 Responses to “Zookeeper reportedly licks baby monkey's anus for over an hour”

  1. relawson says:

    I admire this guy’s dedication… I think.

    Perhaps that’s how it works in nature?

    Maybe that particular method triggers something in the monkey to know what to do?

    It reminds me of this:

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!””Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.”Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

  2. Yacko says:

    Forget that worst jobs competition. This guy’s the winner. Even if he is a pervert who likes it.

    • SomeGuyNamedMark says:

       I hope he at least got a plaque for this.  “Zoo Employee of the Year”

    • Ah El says:

      Before anyone makes fun of this guy, remember kopi luwak or cat-butt coffee – coffee made from coffee beans they pick out of the poop of the asian palm civet. Which sells for 400$ a pound. This guy surely got his fix for a fraction of that cost.

  3. Matthew Elmslie says:

    “What?! And leave show business?!”

  4. Edwin Rogers says:

    A “don’t try this at home” or “safe for work” notice could have led this. @aucklandzoo:twitter 

  5. BarelyFitz says:

    This guy is lucky: you know if the monkey died it would have been pinned on all the licking.

  6. BarelyFitz says:

    O’Reilly was sitting in a bar and he goes to the bar tender

    “You see that church over there? I built it with my bare hands but do they call me O’Reilly the church builder? Nooo!

    You see that school over there? I taught there for 30 years but do they call me O’Reilly the educator? Nooo!

    But you lick one baby monkey’s anus…


    Reminds me of a joke about a snakebite.  Punchline: “Well, the doctor says you’re going to die”

  8. SedanChair says:

    Only after the peanut was defecated did Zhang Bangsheng laugh with satisfaction.

    Behold the current grand champion of sentences. It will remain champion until a suitable challenger appears.

  9. babVU98i says:

    One hour of butt licking!  That monkey will be actively searching out and ingesting peanuts on a regular basis from this point on.

  10. jameslosey says:

    There must be an easier way to eat a Reese’s.

  11. Dan Century says:

    I think  he did it because that’s how it works in nature. Zhang is a real trouper. I only attempt this procedure after the 2nd date.

    Animal mothers, especially cats, routinely clean their offspring’s with their tongues — in fact this is why a cat will present its posterior to you — so you can lick it like mama cat did. Not kidding. Of course cats aren’t primates, but I’m pretty sure monkeys have no hang-ups when it comes to tongue-medicine.

    • Ito Kagehisa says:

       Yup, newborn kittens can actually die from inability to defecate if their butts aren’t licked.  We always used a wet washcloth, though, rather than our tongues, and it seemed to work fine.

      I would totally hire this guy as zookeeper, but I’d warn him to watch his mouth around the zoo patrons.

    • cjporkchop says:

      I’ve always gotten the feeling that when my cats stick their butt in my face, they’re expecting me to bow down and worship it.

      “Yes, Master. Your anus is perfection. I am but a lowly human.”

    • SomeGuyNamedMark says:

       Turned out the monkey was a pervert and was just faking it.

  12. Judas Peckerwood says:

    Who among us has not licked a monkey’s anus for all of the right reasons?

  13. Brainspore says:

    I know one zookeeper who isn’t going to get a kiss from his wife when he gets home tonight.


    If you were Ben and Jerry, your new Monkeybutt ice cream would have peanuts and… what?  Bananas?

  15. tewsday says:

    Is there a reason a wet washcloth would not suffice?

    • Brainspore says:

      Don’t be ridiculous. How could one clear a monkey’s bowel obstruction by licking a washcloth?

  16. Senor Schaffer says:


  17. Justin Kuhn says:

    This reads like a trolling article totally based around having that picture.

    • penguinchris says:

      China Smack is the China answer to English Russia. Both are utterly fascinating because they translate internet culture from China and Russia into readable English (trying to browse the source sites with Google Translate is an exercise in frustration at best).

      But if you think about all the BS that gets passed around in English internet culture, there’s just as much in China and Russia, and it’s not always as easy to tell if something is fake or even an outright joke, even if it’s well-translated.

      That said, I actually don’t doubt the authenticity of this particular story for some reason :)

    • C W says:

      I’m fairly certain it is. They also published that story about the woman “killing a rude man by kicking him in the balls”, but aside from the headline, the story was that her companion was also smashing his head into the concrete.

      I wouldn’t buy their linkbait.

  18. h4x0r says:

    why didn’t he just try a turkey baster and squirt water on it….from afar? I mean, I’m sure monkey ass sounds like a delectable treat to some here but, I imagine there are possible sanitary/hygiene concerns to consider.  Diseases? I dunno…I say if it was the monkey’s time to go…who is he to interfere with the circle of life? :-) If I was in this guy’s shoes, I’d be like “We tried everything and there’s nothing we can do. You’re looking at a dead monkey.”.

  19. Teller says:

    BMAL, a new category.

  20. Navin_Johnson says:

    And here I was using my penis all this time.  I should have asked a zookeeper.

  21. Brainspore says:

    Gives new meaning to the phrase “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”

  22. angusm says:

    Gives a new meaning to the phrase “She’s so hot, I’d eat the peanuts out of her shit.” (If you’ve never heard that expression before, please accept my apologies).

  23. Kris Craig says:


  24. He simply used the “hiney-lick manuver” to dislodge it.

  25. Kris Craig says:

    Couldn’t he have just used a damp cue tip or wash cloth?  I’m finding it very hard to believe that using his tongue was the only option available.

  26. ZenMonkey says:

    Huh. I worked at a wild/exotic animal rescue and for a while was in the “baby trailer.” I’m definitely familiar with the act of stimulating genitals or anus to encourage elimination. However, we used Q-tips. It would have been an interesting day if our supervisor walked in to find us rimming baby possums.

  27. jimh says:

    Well what are you going to do after 45 minutes, STOP licking?

  28. bo1n6bo1n6 says:

    Sounds like it wasn’t the guys first rodeo.

  29. Palomino says:

    I would’ve given that anus one  strong suck and that peanut would’ve shot down my throat like a pneumatic bank deposit. 

  30. Mark says:

    Chimpanzee that!

  31. awjt says:

    Well?  Did he eat the peanut?

  32. dolo54 says:

    … and now the monkey eats peanuts all the time!

  33. Someone get that dude a zoo-sized kit of mouth wash, breath mints, tooth paste, and fire.

  34. mkultra says:

    You know, this doesn’t really explain why he did exactly the same thing to all the OTHER monkeys in the zoo…

  35. autark says:

    somebody queue up Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love”…

    I definitely would not do that.  There just has to be a different solution.

    •  Thanks for bringing up the Meat Loaf song. I do lots of tutoring for people taking symbolic logic and I often use that song as  both an example of logical contradiction and evidence that Russell was right to say that demonstrative pronouns are logically proper names.

  36. Ladyfingers says:

    How is this different from voting in a democracy?

  37. DevinC says:

    I would shake this guy’s hand.  

    I wouldn’t congratulate him, though, because I haven’t stopped throwing up in my mouth.

  38. you report this like you are skeptical if this really happened. There was a very disturbing film of the incident released right after it happened. There is no doubt that it happened. They even showed the expelled peanut.

  39. JontKopeck says:

    Well done him. Out of curiosity, was there a control monkey, one who’s ass wasn’t liked out for over an hour, and if so how long did it take to shit a peanut?

  40. smallteam says:

    In other news:  The volume of production of Kopi Luwak coffee has skyrocketed recently, sending prices of this gourmet bean plummeting. It remains unknown what change in production methods or environmental factors caused the accelerated yields.


  41. ocker3 says:

    I can’t help but think that this guy is now a legend amongst his co-workers for his dedication to his work. I’ve beat my head against high-value problems for a long time before, but This is just going above and beyond!

  42. nunya says:

    That guy really gets into his work…..really, really.

  43. benher says:

    Ghosts with shit jobs?

  44. dbt says:

    “How was work today, dear?”

  45. Albie Farinas says:

    I bet that they would let him get married in North Carolina…

  46. Kerry Meyer says:

    The Zookeeper was just following his in stinks . . . 

  47. Kerry Meyer says:

    Is this where “brown nose,” got it’s start?

  48. sleepythief says:

    I suppose once you get over the initial five minutes of licking, the following fifty-five are considerably more bearable.

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