Rejected jokes submitted to a kids' jokes site

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84 Responses to “Rejected jokes submitted to a kids' jokes site”

  1. millie fink says:

    What did the flashlight say to the battery?

    You turn me on!

  2. grs says:

    Ah man, that Batman joke is solid! I’ve been using that for 30 years. It killed in first grade. It killed at drunken college parties. And now it kills with my kids.

  3. Lemoutan says:

    Q: John has 32 cookies he eats 28 of them what does he haveA: diabetes

    What’s wrong with that one?

    • folkclarinet says:

      That made me angry, actually. Eating cookies does NOT give people diabetes. It’s not funny at all…YMMV, though, since I have Type 1 diabetes…

      • BarBarSeven says:

        My apologies on your diabetes. I have friends who have  diabetes & they found humor in this. It’s a joke, not a condemnation.

      • Faustus says:

        Only it does. Increased centripetal fat increases insulin resistance and so increases the likelihood of getting type 2 diabetes. This is a perfectly cromulent joke.

      • Lemoutan says:

        I’ve only Type 2 – I guess you win.

        • Wreckrob8 says:

          Not as funny as the one that my erstwhile epileptic twin brother really hated.

          “What’s green and doesn’t fit?”
          “A dead epileptic.”

      • edkedz says:

        Wow, so having type 2 diabetes is offensive to people with type 1.
        I’ll go tell my mom to cut it out.

        • cdh1971 says:

          Yes, people with type 2 diabetes are posers, or they did it to themselves. I hate these arses who try to make medical conditions into pissing matches or act hot and bothered at the very mention of their pet disorder. 

    • bcsizemo says:

      I also think:

      A: A case of the munchies.

      would work.

      I would say fat, but considering I just came back from Krispy Kreme and witnessed a ton of runners chowing down on hot fresh doughnuts the theory doesn’t always hold.

    • BarBarSeven says:

      100% nothing because it’s hilarious!

  4. BonzoDog1 says:

    The first joke I can remember telling in the 1950s was: “What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?”
    “You’re too young to smoke.”
    … remembered through a blue haze of Pall Mall unfiltered in my youth.

  5. I would pay to watch a duo perform about 10 of these as an act at a children’s talent show:

    Q: how do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?
    A: Kill it on Sunday
    [stare quietly at audience until 30 seconds after they stop laughing nervously]

    Why did Suzy’s ice cream fall?
    She got hit by a bus.

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.

  6. Jonathan Roberts says:

    “Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.
    It’s amazing how some kids understand the internet’s essence from such an early age.

    • One could create a reasonably successful web-comic from this material

      Q: Why do humans get sick when they eat chocolate?
      A: Are you sure you want to know, I’ll have to come down there and do some tests on you to find out. Not nice tests either, very invasive ones! PROBING!!!!

      • blueelm says:

        I agree this are inspiring and deserve drawing. Seriously. I want drawings…

        • Frank Lee Scarlett says:

          Me too! It put me in mind of Axe Cop, written by a 5-year-old and drawn by his 30 year old brother. 

          http://axecop.com/

          I truly was inspired to illustrate some of these jokes though. I’m thinking I’ll devote tomorrow’s drawing hours to some attempts.

    • mortdieu says:

      “Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.

      It’s funny, because it’s true!

    • Wreckrob8 says:

      Perhaps any means of sending messages through space and time. Kids never change.

  7. TheKaz1969 says:

    heh heh.. hairy butt… poop…

    Throw in “boobies” somewhere and you have pure comic genius.

    (btw – what kind of bees make milk?)

  8. Jonathan Roberts says:

    A number of those look like something Mozart would have come up with. At least half of the others seem to be versions of jokes that were actually printed in books when I was younger.

  9. My favorite bad joke:
    A surgeon was performing a autopsy on a beautiful woman when he discovered a fish inside her.  He said:
    “What’s a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like this?”

  10. cjporkchop says:

    “What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?

    a baked bean in a jug”

    The person who understands this joke has achieved Enlightenment.

    • carlogesualdodivenosa says:

      “What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?
      a baked bean in a jug”

      The person who understands this joke has achieved Enlightenment.

      I thought it was “If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him he smells of poop.”

  11. cyberscythe says:

    My favourite joke: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/post/27041922800/roses-are-red

    roses are red
    violets are red
    tulips are red
    bushes are red
    trees are red
    oh god my gardens on fire

  12. I don’t see how that batman one’s too rude.

  13. Gyrofrog says:

    So this kid Eddie goes to school and it’s show-and-tell. And the teacher asks, “Eddie, do you have anything for show-and-tell?”
    And Eddie says, “yeah, my brother and I fed our cats gasoline.”
    And the teacher goes “my goodness, what happened!?”
    So Eddie says, “well they ran around backwards, around and around, till finally they ran into each other ass first.”
    Then the teacher said “Eddie! Don’t say ass, say ‘rectum’.”
    And Eddie says, “Rectum!? Hell, it killed ‘em both!”

    Hope you’ll all do your materteral and avuncular duties and pass this one along to the next generation…

  14. Itsumishi says:

    What did the Mexican fireman call his two sons?
    Hose A and Hose B

    http://www.nytimes.com/images/blogs/laughlines/thehugemanatee.jpg

  15. Itsumishi says:

    I had a version of this one included in an kids joke book:
    Q:why did the monkey fall out the tree
    A:because it was DEAD

    Except it had a few follow ups

    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
    It was nailed to the first koala!

    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree
    Someone through a fridge at it.

  16. Halloween_Jack says:

    Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…

    Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

    That’s not even remotely the worst HP slashfic out there.

  17. Jason's Robot says:

    I don’t get this one –
    “What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
    SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times”

    Help.

    • millie fink says:

      I’m guessing a Brit kid wrote it (bin in American English being a trash can or wastebasket — I think).

      • Jason's Robot says:

        I know that bin = trash can

        Is the joke that; for your mom to make her face dirty she needs to go in a trash can tons of times?
        I guess I’m wondering if there’s significance to the specific “474844747474747474474747474.”

        • Girard says:

          The kid wanted to say she had to go in the trash can a lot. Kids have low impulse control, so when they want to type a large number, they are likely to just go to fucking town on the number keys. There’s nothing specific or significant about the number.

  18. Antinous / Moderator says:

    From my childhood:
    Q:  Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    A:  Because his wife died.

    • millie fink says:

      Q: Why did Nixon see Deep Throat 3 times?

      A: So he could learn how to get it down Pat.

      • Antinous / Moderator says:

        I’ve never heard that one!

        I heard the Dr. Pepper one when I was about five and probably repeated it for half a decade before I knew what it meant.

    • TheKaz1969 says:

      Reminds me of the seasonal…

      Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
      A: He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney…

  19. Gyrofrog says:

    “my      sister        hates               lodens [loudness]      christmas music when I sang it”

    [my son's attempt at a joke]

  20. chris jimson says:

    Probably my all time favorite joke, I fell for it in second grade, now it is my staple:

    “What were you eating under there?”

    (You can figure out the rest.)

  21. sburns54 says:

    Some of those rejected jokes are excellent. Looks like it’s an British (?) site, judging from words like “butties” for sandwiches, “mum”, “petrol”, etc. Who knows, maybe the next Peter Cook is busy coming up with a real laugher for that site right now.

  22. tubacat says:

    I liked this one:

    A duck walks into a bar. A man runs out because its unnatural to have a duck in a bar.

  23. dolo54 says:

    Oh man I told this one to my mom when I was super young (heard it at school). She made me stay in my room for the rest of the night. I didn’t really understand it, but I did love Fantasy Island.

    Why did the woman slap Tattoo in the face?

    Because he told her ‘gee, your hair smells terrific.’

  24. allium says:

    What’s long, brown, and sticky?

    A stick!

  25. cdh1971 says:

    “You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from being in the Army, it’s never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! ‘Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed… by pooh-pooh!”

  26. Shane Simmons says:

    I would love to hear Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe perform that joke.  Difficulty: comedic timing.

  27. Snarf says:

    Some of these jokes are excellent! I just might have to sharpen my pencil and try and illustrate some of them.

    My 7-year old kid made this joke the other day : 

    A man is holding up a guy at gunpoint and says : “Give me 200 bucks … if you want to buy this gun!”

  28. jimh says:

    Q: What’s grey and comes in quarts?
    A: Elephants

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