Rejected jokes submitted to a kids' jokes site

A moderator of a kids' joke site maintains a Tumblr filled with the jokes that were too rude to merit inclusion. Poop jokes ahoy!

Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car
A.get in the car

What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times

what happens when you eat 100 tacos and 500 foooodz?

Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

Bad Kids Jokes (via Waxy)


    1. Exactly – clicked the link, read some jokes, major flash of Boing Boing comment deja vu.

      Cory going meta on us yet again…

  1. Ah man, that Batman joke is solid! I’ve been using that for 30 years. It killed in first grade. It killed at drunken college parties. And now it kills with my kids.

    1. That made me angry, actually. Eating cookies does NOT give people diabetes. It’s not funny at all…YMMV, though, since I have Type 1 diabetes…

      1. My apologies on your diabetes. I have friends who have  diabetes & they found humor in this. It’s a joke, not a condemnation.

      2. Only it does. Increased centripetal fat increases insulin resistance and so increases the likelihood of getting type 2 diabetes. This is a perfectly cromulent joke.

        1. Not as funny as the one that my erstwhile epileptic twin brother really hated.

          “What’s green and doesn’t fit?”
          “A dead epileptic.”

        1. Yes, people with type 2 diabetes are posers, or they did it to themselves. I hate these arses who try to make medical conditions into pissing matches or act hot and bothered at the very mention of their pet disorder. 

    2. I also think:

      A: A case of the munchies.

      would work.

      I would say fat, but considering I just came back from Krispy Kreme and witnessed a ton of runners chowing down on hot fresh doughnuts the theory doesn’t always hold.

  2. The first joke I can remember telling in the 1950s was: “What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?”
    “You’re too young to smoke.”
    … remembered through a blue haze of Pall Mall unfiltered in my youth.

  3. I would pay to watch a duo perform about 10 of these as an act at a children’s talent show:

    Q: how do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?
    A: Kill it on Sunday
    [stare quietly at audience until 30 seconds after they stop laughing nervously]

    Why did Suzy’s ice cream fall?
    She got hit by a bus.

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.

    1. My favourite jokes were baby jokes.

      “What is the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of babies?”
      “You can’t pitchfork sand.”

          1. Yeah. I thought that. But is it ‘things to do with dead babies’ or ‘ways of killing babies’? Dead babies can’t chew razor blades.
            “What’s red and its mouth gets bigger and bigger?”
            “A baby chewing razor blades.”
            Semiotically it doesn’t matter.

  4. “Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.
    It’s amazing how some kids understand the internet’s essence from such an early age.

    1. One could create a reasonably successful web-comic from this material

      Q: Why do humans get sick when they eat chocolate?
      A: Are you sure you want to know, I’ll have to come down there and do some tests on you to find out. Not nice tests either, very invasive ones! PROBING!!!!

        1. Me too! It put me in mind of Axe Cop, written by a 5-year-old and drawn by his 30 year old brother. 

          I truly was inspired to illustrate some of these jokes though. I’m thinking I’ll devote tomorrow’s drawing hours to some attempts.

    2. “Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.

      It’s funny, because it’s true!

  5. heh heh.. hairy butt… poop…

    Throw in “boobies” somewhere and you have pure comic genius.

    (btw – what kind of bees make milk?)

  6. A number of those look like something Mozart would have come up with. At least half of the others seem to be versions of jokes that were actually printed in books when I was younger.

  7. My favorite bad joke:
    A surgeon was performing a autopsy on a beautiful woman when he discovered a fish inside her.  He said:
    “What’s a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like this?”

    1. “What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?
      a baked bean in a jug”

      The person who understands this joke has achieved Enlightenment.

      I thought it was “If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him he smells of poop.”

  8. So this kid Eddie goes to school and it’s show-and-tell. And the teacher asks, “Eddie, do you have anything for show-and-tell?”
    And Eddie says, “yeah, my brother and I fed our cats gasoline.”
    And the teacher goes “my goodness, what happened!?”
    So Eddie says, “well they ran around backwards, around and around, till finally they ran into each other ass first.”
    Then the teacher said “Eddie! Don’t say ass, say ‘rectum’.”
    And Eddie says, “Rectum!? Hell, it killed ’em both!”

    Hope you’ll all do your materteral and avuncular duties and pass this one along to the next generation…

  9. I had a version of this one included in an kids joke book:
    Q:why did the monkey fall out the tree
    A:because it was DEAD

    Except it had a few follow ups

    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
    It was nailed to the first koala!

    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree
    Someone through a fridge at it.

    1. The Dead Koala jokes escalate quickly, and involve wombats, emus, kangaroos and even platypus! The cool thing is you can easily make up your own

  10. Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…

    Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

    That’s not even remotely the worst HP slashfic out there.

    1.  How many economists does it take to change a light bulb. None. Had the light bulb actually needed changing, the Invisible Hand of the Free Market would have already done so.

      Sorry about that….

  11. I don’t get this one —
    “What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
    SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times”


    1. I’m guessing a Brit kid wrote it (bin in American English being a trash can or wastebasket — I think).

      1. I know that bin = trash can

        Is the joke that; for your mom to make her face dirty she needs to go in a trash can tons of times?
        I guess I’m wondering if there’s significance to the specific “474844747474747474474747474.”

        1. The kid wanted to say she had to go in the trash can a lot. Kids have low impulse control, so when they want to type a large number, they are likely to just go to fucking town on the number keys. There’s nothing specific or significant about the number.

  12. From my childhood:
    Q:  Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    A:  Because his wife died.

      1. I’ve never heard that one!

        I heard the Dr. Pepper one when I was about five and probably repeated it for half a decade before I knew what it meant.

    1. Reminds me of the seasonal…

      Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
      A: He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney…

  13. “my      sister        hates               lodens [loudness]      christmas music when I sang it”

    [my son’s attempt at a joke]

  14. Probably my all time favorite joke, I fell for it in second grade, now it is my staple:

    “What were you eating under there?”

    (You can figure out the rest.)

  15. Some of those rejected jokes are excellent. Looks like it’s an British (?) site, judging from words like “butties” for sandwiches, “mum”, “petrol”, etc. Who knows, maybe the next Peter Cook is busy coming up with a real laugher for that site right now.

  16. I liked this one:

    A duck walks into a bar. A man runs out because its unnatural to have a duck in a bar.

  17. Oh man I told this one to my mom when I was super young (heard it at school). She made me stay in my room for the rest of the night. I didn’t really understand it, but I did love Fantasy Island.

    Why did the woman slap Tattoo in the face?

    Because he told her ‘gee, your hair smells terrific.’

  18. “You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from being in the Army, it’s never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! ‘Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed… by pooh-pooh!”

  19. I would love to hear Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe perform that joke.  Difficulty: comedic timing.

  20. Some of these jokes are excellent! I just might have to sharpen my pencil and try and illustrate some of them.

    My 7-year old kid made this joke the other day : 

    A man is holding up a guy at gunpoint and says : “Give me 200 bucks … if you want to buy this gun!”

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