Rejected jokes submitted to a kids' jokes site

A moderator of a kids' joke site maintains a Tumblr filled with the jokes that were too rude to merit inclusion. Poop jokes ahoy!

Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car
A.get in the car
What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times
what happens when you eat 100 tacos and 500 foooodz?
poop
Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

Bad Kids Jokes (via Waxy)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: Funny • Kids

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millie fink

What did the flashlight say to the battery?

You turn me on!
- chaopoiesis
  
  Exactly – clicked the link, read some jokes, major flash of Boing Boing comment deja vu.
  
  Cory going meta on us yet again…
- niktemadur
  
  How do you top a car?
  You tep on the brake, tupid.
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    That’s what I said, didl’t I?
grs

Ah man, that Batman joke is solid! I’ve been using that for 30 years. It killed in first grade. It killed at drunken college parties. And now it kills with my kids.
- http://www.facebook.com/people/Tudza-White/571550681 Tudza White
  
  I must be missing something. Why is the batman joke too rude for a kid’s joke site?
http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan

Q: John has 32 cookies he eats 28 of them what does he haveA: diabetes

What’s wrong with that one?
- folkclarinet
  
  That made me angry, actually. Eating cookies does NOT give people diabetes. It’s not funny at all…YMMV, though, since I have Type 1 diabetes…
  - BarBarSeven
    
    My apologies on your diabetes. I have friends who have diabetes & they found humor in this. It’s a joke, not a condemnation.
  - Faustus
    
    Only it does. Increased centripetal fat increases insulin resistance and so increases the likelihood of getting type 2 diabetes. This is a perfectly cromulent joke.
  - http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan
    
    I’ve only Type 2 – I guess you win.
    - Wreckrob8
      
      Not as funny as the one that my erstwhile epileptic twin brother really hated.
      
      “What’s green and doesn’t fit?”
      “A dead epileptic.”
  - edkedz
    
    Wow, so having type 2 diabetes is offensive to people with type 1.
    I’ll go tell my mom to cut it out.
    - cdh1971
      
      Yes, people with type 2 diabetes are posers, or they did it to themselves. I hate these arses who try to make medical conditions into pissing matches or act hot and bothered at the very mention of their pet disorder.
- bcsizemo
  
  I also think:
  
  A: A case of the munchies.
  
  would work.
  
  I would say fat, but considering I just came back from Krispy Kreme and witnessed a ton of runners chowing down on hot fresh doughnuts the theory doesn’t always hold.
- BarBarSeven
  
  100% nothing because it’s hilarious!
http://twitter.com/BonzoDog1 BonzoDog1

The first joke I can remember telling in the 1950s was: “What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?”
“You’re too young to smoke.”
… remembered through a blue haze of Pall Mall unfiltered in my youth.
http://twitter.com/amanicdroid Dr. Chronobiologist

I would pay to watch a duo perform about 10 of these as an act at a children’s talent show:

Q: how do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?
A: Kill it on Sunday
[stare quietly at audience until 30 seconds after they stop laughing nervously]

Why did Suzy’s ice cream fall?
She got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.
- Boundegar
  
  Put on clown makeup and you’re hired!
- Wreckrob8
  
  My favourite jokes were baby jokes.
  
  “What is the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of babies?”
  “You can’t pitchfork sand.”
  - decoy131
    
    i think they were called dead baby jokes.
    …’cause it’s okay to pitchfork dead babies.
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      Yeah, and it should be light bulbs, not sand.
      - Wreckrob8
        
        Yeah. I thought that. But is it ‘things to do with dead babies’ or ‘ways of killing babies’? Dead babies can’t chew razor blades.
        “What’s red and its mouth gets bigger and bigger?”
        “A baby chewing razor blades.”
        Semiotically it doesn’t matter.
  - http://www.facebook.com/people/Tudza-White/571550681 Tudza White
    
    I heard bowling balls, but sand works just fine.
Jonathan Roberts

“Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.
It’s amazing how some kids understand the internet’s essence from such an early age.
- http://twitter.com/amanicdroid Dr. Chronobiologist
  
  One could create a reasonably successful web-comic from this material
  
  Q: Why do humans get sick when they eat chocolate?
  A: Are you sure you want to know, I’ll have to come down there and do some tests on you to find out. Not nice tests either, very invasive ones! PROBING!!!!
  - blueelm
    
    I agree this are inspiring and deserve drawing. Seriously. I want drawings…
    - Frank Lee Scarlett
      
      Me too! It put me in mind of Axe Cop, written by a 5-year-old and drawn by his 30 year old brother.
      
      http://axecop.com/
      
      I truly was inspired to illustrate some of these jokes though. I’m thinking I’ll devote tomorrow’s drawing hours to some attempts.
- mortdieu
  
  “Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers”.
  
  It’s funny, because it’s true!
- Wreckrob8
  
  Perhaps any means of sending messages through space and time. Kids never change.
TheKaz1969

heh heh.. hairy butt… poop…

Throw in “boobies” somewhere and you have pure comic genius.

(btw – what kind of bees make milk?)
Jonathan Roberts

A number of those look like something Mozart would have come up with. At least half of the others seem to be versions of jokes that were actually printed in books when I was younger.
http://2012diaries.blogspot.com/ tristan eldritch

My favorite bad joke:
A surgeon was performing a autopsy on a beautiful woman when he discovered a fish inside her. He said:
“What’s a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like this?”
http://twitter.com/cjporkchop cjporkchop

“What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?

a baked bean in a jug”

The person who understands this joke has achieved Enlightenment.
- carlogesualdodivenosa
  
  “What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?
  a baked bean in a jug”
  
  The person who understands this joke has achieved Enlightenment.
  
  I thought it was “If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him he smells of poop.”
http://toblender.com/ cyberscythe

My favourite joke: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/post/27041922800/roses-are-red

roses are red
violets are red
tulips are red
bushes are red
trees are red
oh god my gardens on fire
- Frank Lee Scarlett
  
  That is glorious.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001184797462 Robert Jonson

I don’t see how that batman one’s too rude.
- Boundegar
  
  Copyright violation.
http://www.gyrofrog.com/ Gyrofrog

So this kid Eddie goes to school and it’s show-and-tell. And the teacher asks, “Eddie, do you have anything for show-and-tell?”
And Eddie says, “yeah, my brother and I fed our cats gasoline.”
And the teacher goes “my goodness, what happened!?”
So Eddie says, “well they ran around backwards, around and around, till finally they ran into each other ass first.”
Then the teacher said “Eddie! Don’t say ass, say ‘rectum’.”
And Eddie says, “Rectum!? Hell, it killed ‘em both!”

Hope you’ll all do your materteral and avuncular duties and pass this one along to the next generation…
- http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan
  
  Ooh materteral. There’s posh.
  - millie fink
    
    Indeed, much more so than its gendered counterpart, avuncular.
    - http://lemoutan.blogspot.com/ Lemoutan
      
      My avuncular duties are long done. I’m magnavuncular now.
- http://twitter.com/beep54orama B E Pratt
  
  Two words: The Aristocrats!
http://www.ikaink.net Itsumishi

What did the Mexican fireman call his two sons?
Hose A and Hose B

http://www.nytimes.com/images/blogs/laughlines/thehugemanatee.jpg
- Henry Pootel
  
  Yes I LOL’ed at that one. Surprisingly no “it takes Juan to know Juan” jokes though…
- noah django
  
  I heard it as “what do you call a mexican exhibiting duophalism?”
http://www.ikaink.net Itsumishi

I had a version of this one included in an kids joke book:
Q:why did the monkey fall out the tree
A:because it was DEAD

Except it had a few follow ups

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was nailed to the first koala!

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree
Someone through a fridge at it.
- http://www.tumbleweed.net/ tyger11
  
  That first one has been my favorite joke for most of my life.
- ocker3
  
  The Dead Koala jokes escalate quickly, and involve wombats, emus, kangaroos and even platypus! The cool thing is you can easily make up your own
  - Wreckrob8
    
    But koalas and babies both have the cuteness factor, which helps.
Halloween_Jack

Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…

Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

That’s not even remotely the worst HP slashfic out there.
http://www.lightning-rose.com/ LightningRose

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb?

http://www.lightning-rose.com/projects/rot13.htm?Svfu%21
- http://deansli.st/ Dean Putney
  
  Did you just ROT-13 encode the answer to a dumb joke?
  
  Ladies and gentlemen, Boing Boing’s comment section.
  - http://www.lightning-rose.com/ LightningRose
    
    I never miss a chance to pimp my own web site. :)
    - http://deansli.st/ Dean Putney
      
      Double points for you!
      - http://www.lightning-rose.com/ LightningRose
        
        *curtsies*
- http://twitter.com/beep54orama B E Pratt
  
  How many economists does it take to change a light bulb. None. Had the light bulb actually needed changing, the Invisible Hand of the Free Market would have already done so.
  
  Sorry about that….
Jason’s Robot

I don’t get this one –
“What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times”

Help.
- millie fink
  
  I’m guessing a Brit kid wrote it (bin in American English being a trash can or wastebasket — I think).
  - Jason’s Robot
    
    I know that bin = trash can
    
    Is the joke that; for your mom to make her face dirty she needs to go in a trash can tons of times?
    I guess I’m wondering if there’s significance to the specific “474844747474747474474747474.”
    - http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard
      
      The kid wanted to say she had to go in the trash can a lot. Kids have low impulse control, so when they want to type a large number, they are likely to just go to fucking town on the number keys. There’s nothing specific or significant about the number.
      - Boundegar
        
        And so it becomes clear why this particular gem was rejected.
Antinous / Moderator

From my childhood:
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died.
- millie fink
  
  Q: Why did Nixon see Deep Throat 3 times?
  
  A: So he could learn how to get it down Pat.
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    I’ve never heard that one!
    
    I heard the Dr. Pepper one when I was about five and probably repeated it for half a decade before I knew what it meant.
- TheKaz1969
  
  Reminds me of the seasonal…
  
  Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
  A: He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney…
http://www.gyrofrog.com/ Gyrofrog

“my sister hates lodens [loudness] christmas music when I sang it”

[my son's attempt at a joke]
http://twitter.com/chrisjimson chris jimson

Probably my all time favorite joke, I fell for it in second grade, now it is my staple:

“What were you eating under there?”

(You can figure out the rest.)
- Boundegar
  
  I don’t get it. Under where?
  - http://twitter.com/chrisjimson chris jimson
    
    Underwear? You were eating underwear? Gross!
sburns54

Some of those rejected jokes are excellent. Looks like it’s an British (?) site, judging from words like “butties” for sandwiches, “mum”, “petrol”, etc. Who knows, maybe the next Peter Cook is busy coming up with a real laugher for that site right now.
tubacat

I liked this one:

A duck walks into a bar. A man runs out because its unnatural to have a duck in a bar.
- http://www.facebook.com/people/Tudza-White/571550681 Tudza White
  
  Hey duck, you gonna pay for that drink?
  
  Put it on my tab… Damn, messed that one up.
  - tubacat
    
    Took me a minute, but I got it ; )
- http://www.gyrofrog.com/ Gyrofrog
  
  A termite walks into the bar and asks, “where’s the bartender?”
dolo54

Oh man I told this one to my mom when I was super young (heard it at school). She made me stay in my room for the rest of the night. I didn’t really understand it, but I did love Fantasy Island.

Why did the woman slap Tattoo in the face?

Because he told her ‘gee, your hair smells terrific.’
allium

What’s long, brown, and sticky?

A stick!
- mjed mazga
  
  What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
  
  A stick!
  - echolocate chocolate
    
    What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
    
    DUNG
cdh1971

“You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from being in the Army, it’s never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! ‘Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed… by pooh-pooh!”
Shane Simmons

I would love to hear Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe perform that joke. Difficulty: comedic timing.
http://twitter.com/snarf Snarf

Some of these jokes are excellent! I just might have to sharpen my pencil and try and illustrate some of them.

My 7-year old kid made this joke the other day :

A man is holding up a guy at gunpoint and says : “Give me 200 bucks … if you want to buy this gun!”
jimh

Q: What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A: Elephants