An attempt to mate Galapagos Tortoises in the presence of Richard Clayderman ended in failure Thursday, even after the reptiles were granted a virtuoso performance of Chariots of Fire by the French pianist. Clayderman was unable to get the wrinkled beasts turned on even after renditions of his sensual classic, Ballade pour Adeline, and a movement from his latest album, Romantique. [The Guardian]

13 Responses to “Pianist Richard Clayderman fails to sexually arouse tortoises”

  1. angusm says:

    “That does it. Time to break out the Barry White.”

    • niktemadur says:

      Picture the article in New Age Cosmopolitan:  How to arouse your male tortoise.

      If it’s Clayderman they’ve got, probably their idea of “heavy artillery” would be Celine Dion.  So Barry White seems to go against the grain of this particular experiment.

  2. vonbobo says:

    Maybe she had a headache?

  3. Chris Hogan says:

    Call Sade. Female tortoises are powerless against her dulcet tones.

    Or — seeing as how female tortoises are aroused by clonking on their shells — get Evelyn Glennie.

  4. Art says:

    I too have failed.  Was it the roses or the less-than-stellar dinner at Smith & Wollensky?

  5. 10xor01 says:

    This is one race the hare usually wins.

  6. Jorpho says:

    What if they were shown videos of sea cucumbers overcome by lust?

  7. Tom McCann says:

    I can sympathise. My first wife and I honeymooned in a hotel that had Richard Clayderman playing everywhere as background music. She didn’t put out much either.

  8. Øyvind says:

    I’m not surprised. I heard Clayderman first as a kid, and even then I thought it was pretty bland and lacking in sexiness.

  9. niktemadur says:

    Maybe they should have tried Kenny G?

  10. leoeris says:

    Well if a pianist didn’t work, try breastesses.

  11. Kimmo says:

    Hilariously sad news : )

  12. Bobsyeruncle says:

    Maybe 60′s pop would be more to their liking?

    Me and you and you and me

    No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

    The only one for me is you, and you for me

    So happy together

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