MC Frontalot's Question Bedtime: nerdcore fairy tales for kids and parents

If you know anything about nerdcore superstar MC Frontalot, then you know he's not just about ice-cold flow and deep rhymes: he's also funny as hell. Now, with Question Bedtime, Frontalot brings us an album for kids, 40 minutes' of hip-hop fairy tales.

The album features guest vocals by some of the legends of nerdcore, including Open Mike Eagle, Kid Koala, Paul F Tompkins, Kyle Kinane, mc chris, and more -- and as with other Frontalot classics, the songs are intercut with hilarious, weird sketches about parenting and bedtime that kids and adults alike can enjoy.

It's got some amazing tracks that interpret classic fairy tales both obscure and well-known, including Start Over (Little Red Riding Hood), Gold Locks (The Three Bears); Two Dreamers (The Ruined Man Who Became Rich Again Through a Dream); I Can See (The Emperor's New Clothes); Mornings Come And Go (Mastermaid); Much Chubbier (Three Billy Goats Gruff); Shudders (The Youth Who Went Forth To Learn Fear); Devil in the Attic (The Ugly Son); Chisel Down (The Stonecutter); Wakjakága (Wakjakága's Anus Guards The Ducks) (this is a real fairy tale!).

Frontalot was kind enough to supply the lyrics to Gold Locks, below:

Gold Locks

Young cub, this is the story of how you must never neglect
(no matter how preoccupied your nascent intellect)
to keep in mind doors! And close them behind you.
Any time you leave one ajar, she might find you.
I describe: human girl with wealth for hair,
ghosts for eyes, who wanders woods. Bears, beware.
Through any doorway no closure obstructs,
she wanders out of hunger. If she sees you, eats you up.
Bear cub tallow scone with a honeydew butterwhip;
consommé from your bones and your cartilage;
fennel-mint sausages ground from your lungs;
hollandaise all atop your remains by the time that she’s done.
It’s why we leave porridge sitting,
case she makes it through an entryway, cold jaws dripping,
her saliva unremitting and her soul corrupt.
(She could eat that instead of you, little cub.)

Gold Locks
gets in through your open door,
stalks across the parlor floor,
creeping on her brunch.
Let’s hope
she has had her fill,
won’t be lingering here still,
seeking out her brunch.

[Jean Grae]
Amber alert: call the fairy tale amber lamps
‘cause this banana-colored-haired girl’s bananas, stabbing bears.
Beware of the bear hugs. I'll kill you with my bare hands
when you’re barely sleeping, tear your lungs and leave you barren chest.
Don't believe the tales they told you where the humans win?
I'll take your humerus and feed it to my human friends.
Eyes luminous, voice is very soothing, yes.
I’ll break and enter with entitlement that few possess.
I’ll go crying through the forest and the woods,
to the farmers in the village with an armful of goods.
And by an armful of goods, I mean meat.
And I mean your little bear cub arms and your feet.
So better promise to your mama: leave the door locked.
‘Cause you don't want to be at the base of a farmer’s tall pot.
Don't mean to scare you, I really need to warn you:
watch out for the frock ‘cause Goldilocks is coming for you.

Calm, calm, little bear. Settle down deep in your blanketing.
Yes, she’s lurking, but best remain sanguine.
She’s not angry at you, just hungry.
People don’t have feelings like bears, honey,
they’re supernatural creatures that eat without cease,
and they keep bound books full of us recipes,
and this one freezes our hearts on return to the lair.
What if she’s gotten in and she’s still there?
Don’t clutch the blanket, she visits when we’re absent.
That and your absentmindedness acts as an attractant.
One moment’s diligence is all it takes to defend
your mother and me and yourself from an unwelcome end.
All of her human friends, they could bring mimosa.
Goldie gets her knives in you, might invite them all over
to the spot that she found for brunch.
It could happen if you leave the door open just once.

Question Bedtime