Just look at this week's 'National Enquirer' cover, breathlessly billed as "The story that will doom Hillary."
Under the heading "World Exclusive," the headline screams: "Bill Groped Me On Campaign Jet – and Hillary Did Nothing!"
Campaign flight attendant Cristy Zercher is horrified that Bill Clinton allegedly hugged her from behind and placed a hand on her breast. On another occasion she claims to have opened the plane's toilet door to find Bill standing with his fly unzipped, though exposing nothing.
The cover photo of Hillary Clinton's campaign plane leaves no doubt that Hillary is sex-fiend Bill's enabler-in-chief.
I almost hate to mention it, but there are just one or two minor details of this ground-breaking story that I'd like to take issue with.
Like the fact that this "world exclusive" first appeared in the 'Star' tabloid in March 1998. That Zercher's harassment allegedly occurred on Bill Clinton's campaign plane 24 years ago – not on Hillary's current campaign jet. And even Zercher confessed that the reason Hillary "did nothing" was because she was asleep at the time of the alleged incident. Let's note that much of Zercher's new "world exclusive interview" appeared word-for-word 18 years ago. We're not supposed to recall that Zercher was interviewed by the Washington Post in July 1994 and never mentioned being harassed by Bill Clinton, saying only that he had flirted with her. Is it churlish to point out that TV news show 'Inside Edition' ran a two-night special on Zercher's claims in April 1998, and revealed that she not only flunked a lie detector test, but "failed miserably," according to show spokesperson Jan Murray. There are a long list of women who have claimed that the former president sexually assaulted or harassed them, but why resuscitate Zercher's threadbare claims now? To smear Hillary Clinton by making it appear to have taken place on her campaign jet. Tabloid reporting at its best, no doubt.
The 'Enquirer' continues its Trump-loving vendetta against the Clintons with its Page Two story: "Hillary Brain Cancer Drama!" Hillary was spotted last week apparently wearing some kind of earpiece during a presidential TV debate. It's been the subject of widespread speculation and heated denial by the Clinton campaign, but for the 'Enquirer' it's proof positive that Hillary has been "spoon-fed lies live on national TV because of 'memory lapses.'" And to the 'Enquirer' medical team, that can only mean cancer. Well, it stands to reason: why would anyone wear an earpiece if they didn't have cancer. Right? though I'm intrigued: why does the 'Enquirer' believe that Clinton's back-stage aides are feeding her "lies?" That's fair and balanced reporting at its best.
"Queen Kate's having Twin Girls!" yells the cover of the 'Globe,' which continues to forget that Kate Middleton is not a queen, not even a princess, but a mere Duchess. Kate is reportedly "three months pregnant and William is naming one of them Diana!" This report has been circulating in the tabloid world since April, which means that Kate has been three months pregnant for the past five months. Kate reportedly has only told "William, his brother Harry, her family and grandma Queen Elizabeth." And the 'Globe,' of course, who must be on Kate's speed-dial – though she seems to have fed them a lot of misinformation in the past. You have to admire the 'Globe' Royal reporters' restraint in referring to Prince Charles' bride as his "evil wife Camilla . . . The 69-year-old, horse-faced banshee . . . " Seems like impartial reporting to me.
Unfulfilled promises abound in 'People' magazine, whose cover boasts Renée Zellweger's "most revealing interview ever," while the inside story assures that she addresses "the changes in her life (and her appearance) . . . " So, to address the elephant in Zellweger's mirror: why did her face appear so dramatically changed a few years ago? We'll never know. "That's a big question," she says, moving on the evade addressing the issue. Zellweger's most revealing interview ever, indeed.
At least 'Us' mag tells us how 'Real Housewife' reality star Bethenny Frankel "survived my divorce from hell." Her secret? "Focusing on her daughter . . . helped her survive the insanity," reports 'Us.' And that's it. That's the secret to surviving the divorce from hell. The rest of the feature is dedicated to exhuming her messy divorce in gloriously painful detail, with 'People' magazine's typical celebrity trainwreck voyeurism.
Thankfully we have 'Us' mag's crack team of reporters to tell us that Cara Delevingne wore it best (and still looked a mess), that Kiefer Sutherland "can be impatient," actress Piper Perabo carries natural wood incense sticks, Italian hair perfume and wildflowers seeds in her Friends of the Library tote (are these stars now hiring stylists to curate their handbag contents?), and that the stars are just like us, as long as you can surf, ride a bike, shoot hoops and eat cotton candy (though not necessarily all at the same time.)
As ever, the big news of the week comes courtesy of the 'National Examiner,' which reports "Reincarnation is Real!" Researchers have evidently found a number of infant children who accurately recall details of past lives of which they could have no possible prior knowledge, like the two-year-old who remembered being shot down in his plane over Iwo Jima in WWII, even accurately recalling the name of his boat and his co-pilot. This information from a toddler, of course, was told to a parent before any researcher was summoned – and there's no possible way that any parent could have planted such information in a pliable young mind, is there?
Onwards and downwards . . .
