Irate Cash4Gold letter to a lewd prankster

This Internet finding is an irate letter from the thin-skinned litigation enthusiasts at Cash4Gold to a "Mr. Haberny" who apparently made a habit of sending gold-painted rocks to the firm, along with colorful missives describing the circumstances through which he came to possess them, which included a Tibetan pilgrimage with a legless hooker from Singapore. Mr. Haberny sought many interesting forms of compensation for his "gold," including a birthday party at McDonald's, and an unspecified activity in the company of Ed McMahon.

Dear Mr. Haberny

After sending back your zip lock bay of gold-painted rocks that you considered "14 karat gold nuggets found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in
Singapore", we find it i truly unfortunate that you can not understand the concept of "'Do Not Contact Us Again"

Your fraudulent attempt to extort money from our seasoned geologists (who are experts in identifying precious metals) has forced us to take extreme action; this is your final warning before we
contact the authorities. Your rocks" have shown up in our inventory three times now. We will no longer attempt to return them, but will keep them as evidence. You are not entitled to any money, especially the ludicrous amount of $1,423,061,92 you demanded for your Cash 4 Geld payment. Your petition for an "ungreased, backdoor; Hammertime lovemaking session" with our telemarketer's Carol and Tracy is feral and preposterous. Your absurd request to be reimbursed for postage ($167.45, $138.33 & $142.73) is unwarranted and completely illicit. As a reminder Mr. Haberny, Ed McMahon passed away June 23, 2009. It is not only disrespectful but also utterly moronic to request that he host your birthday party at McDonald's.

This is the last time that we will be in contact with you.


Jeff Aronson

(via JWZ)