7 Habits of Highly Effective Marketting

1. The Customer Is Usually Wrong. Ensure they understand this by sending them illiterate, angry emails. That bitch got told.

2. It's Not A Lie If You Believe It. Mayor of Boston come on Bud you run a show that's all you do.

3. Devote your hypothetical 125-strong PR team to a smear campaign of the gatekeeper who runs a key conference where you sell your clients' products.

4. When pretending to be your own former business associates, reply from your personal email address; bonus points for using this address on anabolic steroid advice forums.

5. If You're Wrong, Be Boldly Wrong. Bloggers never pay attention to carbon copied customer service complaints!

6. Name drop people who already loathe you, in a medium with a permanent record.

7. When cornered, claim that it's everyone else who is being unprofessional.

BONUS: 3 rules for Twitter stratagy.

1. If your name is not available on Twitter, change a random consonant or vowel until it becomes available. No-one will notice the difference.

2. Buy 20,000 followers, but only use the account to harangue abused customers.

3. Instead of changing your account handle when the heat is on, abandon it completely so that someone else might take it.