Police blotter sites aggregate only the saddest reports of meth-addled America. A better way to consume local police news: unedited dispatch logs.
Dogs are lost, then found a few hours later. Little old ladies are outraged by skateboarders. In such circumstances, it's the reader who must provide narrative continuity between entries, but it's honest work and always rewards the day with a little Mayberry bump.
The following are recent 911 calls to a small-town Massachusetts police department:
"5:27 p.m. Caller reports group of juveniles sliding down a mound of snow.
7:27 p.m. Caller reports a possum on her patio she believes is sick or lost.
9:32 a.m. Caller complaining that someone dumped snow in her driveway.
10:24 a.m. Caller reports message left on voicemail from the IRS.
12:16 p.m. Caller reports person is going door to door asking to shovel driveways for money.
12:28 p.m. Report of black pick-up truck doing donuts in school parking lot, Main St.
12:30 p.m. Caller wants to speak with officer regarding a company stealing emails from his website and taking customers away from him, Maple Brook Dr.
12:31 p.m. Caller reports large duck in yard; Has put duck in crate until owner is found."
In Oregon, the Newport Police Department posted a message on Facebook (pasted below) urging citizens not to dial 911 when they run out of toilet paper. The reason they posted this is because, yes, people have been they expect stupid people will be calling 911 after running out of toilet paper. (Here’s their update that […]
More word from the ongoing attempt to bring the people responsible for years of CIA torture to justice: one of the three waterboarding specialists at Guantanamo was called "The Preacher" because while he was drowning suspects to the point of near death, he "would at random times put one hand on the forehead of a […]
In Oregon, a woman was being attacked by her boyfriend. The woman’s daughter called 911 but didn’t want the man to know, so she told the operator she wanted a pizza. Here’s a transcript of the call: 911 Operator: Oregon 911 Caller: I would like to order a pizza at [address redacted]. 911 Operator: You […]
If you want swole arms cut like tree trunks, you start savaging the curl bars. If you want to sculpt a tight, firm core, you have lots of planking and bridges in your future. So what do you do if you want to knock out that double chin? Or put a little added definition into […]
Considering the state of our world, it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise to find lots and lots of people pushed to their breaking point. Anxiety and stress are often constant companions during the best of times. But now, with fear and frustration running rampant, it’s easy to be subsumed by all the distractions and […]
Most of us aren’t constantly beset by poor posture. But all it takes is some subtle misalignment while you’re doing serious hours behind the wheel driving or working away at a desk to do a real number on your back. In fact, most of us are so unaware of the mechanics of good posture that […]