[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! – Mark]
George Clooney and Amal are headed for a "$220 million divorce," Lamar Odom's "suicide note" has been found, and Khloé Kardashian "breaks her silence."
It's another fact-challenged week in the latest tabloids.
Thankfully we have hard-hitting investigative reporters to tell us that Selena Gomez wore it best, Carrie Underwood's parents almost called her Stacy, Alanis Morisette carries dental floss in her handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they "text on the go," "share snacks," "take pictures" and "love to shop."
I feel better just knowing that.
So, what are the National Enquirer's "dark secrets that will destroy George & Amal"? Photos of Clooney's former E.R. co-star Noah Wyle giving George a kiss on the cheek. At a public movie premiere. Twenty years ago. And from the photos, George isn't even enjoying the playful peck. Two guys messing around for the cameras on a Hollywood red carpet two decades ago – sounds like grounds for divorce for me.
Has Khloé Kardashian broken her silence as People magazine's cover claims? Read the small print, and you learn that she gave the interview "just hours before Lamar Odom was found unconscious." So she couldn't even begin to comment on a tragedy which hadn't yet occurred. And she certainly hasn't broken her silence. Nice try, People.
As for Lamar Odom's "suicide note," it's more rambling and disjointed than James Joyce after a couple of bottles of Irish whisky.
Here it is, in all seriousness: "they doing as in Mid-town in Broad day. "To a popular face light-skinned, un popular by demand, dark skinned, olive toned, Mexican or other of ****** and everybody put em up."
Yep, that's a suicide note if I ever saw one. What's more, the geniuses at the Enquirer found "relationship expert to the stars Dr Gilda Carlie" to explain: "the term 'un popular by demand' refers to his marriage to Khloé Kardashian, which had imploded – and how the Kardashians were still destroying him!"
Well, that's obvious once it's pointed out, isn't it?
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Onwards and downwards . . .
