'Enquirer'
It's enough to shake your faith in the billions of aliens killed on Earth with thermonuclear weapons 70 million years ago by Xenu, as the 'Enquirer' claims this is "Scientology's Doomsday! Celebrity believers scorned by Hollywood."
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Elisabeth Moss and Michael Pena are among those supposedly being shunned because of their pseudo-scientific religious beliefs.
The self-styled Church of Scientology "has been put on its heels by criminal convictions, investigations, lawsuits, celebrity defections and mounting public protests," reports the 'Enquirer,' stating the obvious.
As a result, the rag claims: "the church's grasp on Hollywood's psyche has loosened significantly."
Doomsday indeed, for what is a religion without movie stars?
Will a Cage Death Match decide the future of the British Royal Family? That's how the 'Enquirer' makes it appear, declaring: "William & Camilla Brawl For It All!"
Supposedly the Prince of Wales and the Queen Consort are vying for ascendancy as King Charles battles cancer, and the tabloid imagines that Buckingham Palace is akin to Game of Thrones, with the death match winner taking the crown.
In a throw-away line which seems to assure that the tabloid barely believes what it's writing, buried deep in the article is the claim that Princess Kate has been treated for "ovarian cancer," though her treatment for an instate abdominal issue has not been made public, and the palace repeatedly denies she has cancer.
"Lonely Jen's Love Life DOA!"
Jennifer Aniston hasn't been seen in public with a date for a while, so the 'Enquirer' concludes she "isn't sure she'll ever find lasting love". Maybe she feels like she's always stuck in second gear?
Too much cosmetic surgery – that's the verdict the 'Enquirer' delivers on Kris Kardashian and Simon Cowell.
The Kardashian momager's nose is "in danger of falling off" after repeated surgeries, claims the rag, which blames Simon Cowell's "frozen . . . strange" looks on "botched fillers and eyelid work."
And the tabloid Weight Police are on duty again, declaring that "Adele Skyfalls Off Diet & Gains 30 lbs," presumably confirmed by their tech wizards who hacked into her bathroom scales.
"Planet Of The Apes!"
Well, maybe village of the apes.
Leaving no pun unturned, the 'Enquirer' reports that residents of tiny Bainbridge, GA, are "going bananas" and "going ape" over plans to house 30,000 lab moneys in a nearby new $396 million medical research facility.
And there's more monkey business in the 'Enquirer,' which calls South Carolina's Morgan Island "Monkey Island" and "Island of the Damned" because the 3,500 rhesus macaques living on the atoll have been escaping to nearby islands at low tide, apparently sparking fears among locals that the simians could "start hanging out on their lawn."
But anyone who has seen the movie 'Planet of the Apes' knows that hanging out on the lawn is just the first step toward global domination.
'Globe'
"Melania & Ivanka's Nasty War Exposed!" screams the cover story.
The two most prominent women in Donald Trump's life – his third wife and his eldest daughter – reportedly trade "insults, cheap shots and twisted dirty tricks!" and "Won't speak or be in the same room!" They allegedly have "3 billion reasons to detest each other!" which refers to Trump's claim to be worth $3 billion.
The 'Globe' envisions yet another Cage Death Match, claiming: "Ivanka and Melania are ready to duke it out".
That should be a winner on pay-per-view, and expect Donald Trump to take his cut promoting it.
Simon Cowell gets hauled over the coals for his "bizarre, shiny kisser" in the 'Globe' as well this week, which reports: "Simon's Face Looks Nasty!"
"Some might say he looks like another person," claims an unnamed insider – as if there are "insiders" for Cowell's face, not to be confused with sources closer to his feet.
"Unforgiving William Can Never Trust Harry."
The 'Globe' claims that the "Future king won't let brother back into royal family." But Harry never left the royal family, and doesn't need letting back in. It's his royal duties and privileges that he's been exiled from.
"Mel B's Custody War Still Scary."
The Spice Girl is reportedly still fighting for custody of her 11-year-old daughter with ex-husband Stephen Belafonte. Mel B reportedly claims that the tiny tyke left a voice message last week "stating that she will 'call her lawyer' if I did not agree to her vacation inn the Bahamas."
They grow up so fast in Hollywood.
The Weight Police are having a busy week in the 'Globe': Kourtney Kardashian "Can't Dump Baby Weight" (and "her love of burgers & ice cream ain't helping"); Rachel Ray "Gains 28 lbs!" – not 27 lbs or 29 lbs, because the tabloid Weight Police are never wrong – as the TV chef is "turning to comfort food as career burns"; while former TV host Ricki Lake has allegedly "dropped 30 pounds – without using any of the fad diet drugs like Ozempic."
'People'
"Royals in Turmoil" proclaims the front page.
King Charles is fighting cancer, "rumours surround Princess Kate's recovery" from abdominal surgery, and "the rift deepens between Harry and William."
In other words, it's business as usual in the royal family.
Liam Neeson is taking over from the late Leslie Nielsen to star in a new 'Naked Gun' movie, yet this earth-shattering piece of news warrants only three sentences in 'People' mag?
Did some studio executive bark: "Get me Leslie Nielsen!" and an assistant too timid to point out he was dead instead signed the closest-sounding name, Liam Neeson? Stranger things have happened.
Allison Janney has apparently "learned to be very happy as herself," 'Kung Fu Panda' star James Hong reveals "What I Know Now" – apparently "some things are meant to be"; RuPaul "Lays It Bare (though he's notably photographed fully clothed); and after losing sons to suicide, two mothers say: "Every day is a battle." Demi Lovato "has nothing to hide," and Drew Carey is "finally able to move on."
In other words, it's business as usual in Hollywood.
'Us Weekly'
Taylor Swift is the cover girl as the magazine celebrates "Hollywood's Most Powerful Women."
But instead of noting the real power in Tinseltown – the female studio executives and streaming service powerhouses – it focuses on the obvious: Swift, Beyoncé, Reese Witherspoon, Zendaya, Shakira, Quinta Brunson, Margot Robbie, Kelly Clarkson and – inexplicably for a list of powerful Hollywood women – Olympian Simone Biles. Sydney Sweeney also makes the list, proving it's just an excuse to show pictures of beautiful women in low-cut dresses.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Rowan Blanchard wore it best, that 'NSync singer Joey Fatone loves the Muppets, owns two sugar gliders (they're small possums) and collects shot glasses, and that the stars are just like us: they eat ice cream, play arcade games, and wait at airports. Riveting, as always.
'Life & Style'
Selena Gomez is pictured in a wedding dress on the cover, as the rag proclaims: "Here Comes the Bride!" with details of her marriage to "soulmate Benny" Blanco.
But the photo was taken 12 months ago on the set of her TV series 'Only Murders In The Building' in what Gomez then called "Just a regular day at work," and though Gomez and Blanco are expected to wed this spring, it hasn't happened yet. That doesn't stop 'Life & Style' from bringing readers "All the I Do Details." Pretty impressive for an event that may not have occurred, though the internet and social media seem convinced that the couple have secretly tied the knot.
'In Touch'
Bruce Willis, diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia, is pictured on the cover looking surprisingly well, though the rag declares these are his "Brave Final Days." Friends and family have reportedly rushed "to his side as his health fades," amid "new fears as he can't stop losing weight." If only Kourtney Kardashian and Rachel Ray knew his secret.
Onwards and downwards . . .
