'National Enquirer'
"Hollywood's 33 Most Spoiled Brats!" dominate this week's cover.
Only 33?
It's an egregiously invasive and callous attack on the defenseless children of stars including Beyoncé, Will Smith, Elton John, Gwen Stefani, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, David & Victoria Beckham, and many more celebrities whose fame and wealth makes them a target. Their offspring, who never asked for media intrusion, get eviscerated anyway.
"Senile Biden Medical Report Revealed!"
But there is no new medical report on the president, beyond the recent gratuitous attack on his memory by special counsel Robert Hur.
The so-called "report" is just a collection of Biden's previously know medical history: two brain aneurysms, atrial fibrillation, a cancerous skin lesion, and peripheral neuropathy.
Or, as the 'Enquirer' dispassionately puts it: "Brain-Damaged Biden's Secret Medical Crisis!"
"Biebers Made Beeline For $320M Breakup!"
Justin and Hailey Bieber are heading for divorce, claims the rag. She has allegedly "been hitting the Hollywood party circuit hard" solo, and therefore their marriage is on the rocks. What other possible explanation could there be?
"Camilla Cuts Hated Harry Down To Size."
After Prince Harry flew to his father's bedside in England following King Charles' cancer diagnosis, Queen Camilla was allegedly "outraged" to be "banished from the room." She has reportedly "left no doubt he isn't wanted back!" But that's hardly cutting him down to size; it's more like getting her revenge.
"Inmate Organs Harvested In Black Market Horror!"
Alabama prison authorities allegedly sold organs of deceased prisoners "for more than $1 million on the black market!" The report admits it is unknown what happened to the inmates' missing organs, but organ harvesting for transplantation would require surgical operating facilities that likely exceeds the capabilities of the Alabama prison system. One man reportedly received his brother's organs "in a plastic red biohazard bag" but lamented that he could not "know for certain" that the organs came from his sibling.
"Ohio home visited by Jesus draws crowds for healing."
Thousands are allegedly making the pilgrimage to a modest clapboard house in Ohio where Jesus appeared before the original owner Rhoda Wise in 1939. There's no information about whether Jesus stayed for dinner or a cup of tea, but ever since the "House of Miracles" has been healing incurable diseases for the faithful who visit. Can't argue with science.
'Globe'
"King Charles Bets Life On Quack Cancer Cures!" screams the front page.
The ailing monarch is allegedly "using arsenic & snake venom to kill tumours!"
Without any evidence, the rag claims that Charles is "spurning modern medical treatments like chemotherapy" and is using "hocus-pocus" alternative therapies to treat what they claim is pancreatic cancer – a diagnosis as yet unconfirmed by any palace sources.
Charles' doctor Michael Dixon is elsewhere reported to be a fan of such herbal medicines as devil's claw and horny goat weed, but snake oil and arsenic are not known to be routinely found in his medicine chest.
Prince Harry probably thought he was being a dutiful son when he rushed to his ailing father's side, but the 'Globe' knows better: "Huckster Harry's Mercy Flight Was Shameless Stunt!" The prince was allegedly more interested in good PR than in his father's health – an interpretation that seems more than a touch ungenerous.
"Presidential Pervs Exposed By Own Hands."
There's a new book recently published comprised of love letters and poems penned by US presidents, which is enough for the 'Globe' to call them all perverted. The "lurid" billet doux include such gems as this by Warren G Harding: "I love your poise / Of perfect thighs / When they hold me / in paradise." Isn't that why presidents appoint a national poet laureate?
"O.J. Simpson Cancer Crisis."
The tabloid claims the 76-year-old has prostate cancer. Perhaps he could use some arsenic and snake oil?
Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet "explore 2nd marriage" claims the rag, which also informs readers: "Daughter Tells Travolta To Start Dating!" because she "doesn't want dad old and alone." Sweet.
"Proof Trump Dodged The Draft!"
After four student deferrals while being found 1A fit for military service, Trump avoided being sent to Vietnam in the 1960s thanks to a podiatrist who diagnosed bone spurs in his heels, rendering him 4F unfit for service.
The 'Globe' trots out Dr Elysa Braunstein, the daughter of Trump's late podiatrist Dr Larry Braunstein, to say that the dodgy diagnosis "was a favor" to Trump's father, who owned the doctor's office building in Queens. Trump has always denied draft-dodging, and no doubt has the best, biggest and most-admired feet any president has ever known.
"Control-Freak Brad Keeping Lover In Chains!"
No, not literally. Brad Pitt allegedly had his latest girlfriend, jewellery designer Ines de Ramon, sign a non-disclosure agreement. Those sort of chains don't leave any marks.
'People'
"Tracking a Murderer" dominates the front page, with "the shocking case of the 'Shopping Cart Killer'" otherwise known as Anthony Robinson. He allegedly killed at least six women, transporting his victims in shopping carts, which gives new meaning to the phrase: "Clean up on Aisle 3!"
Alternate cover girl is TV's Wendy Williams, who seems especially well-positioned to answer the question: "Whatever Happened To Wendy Williams?" If only.
The TV host who took a ten-week break in 2021 and never returned, only to be placed under a financial guardianship in 2022, doesn't speak, but her family does in a new 'Lifetime' documentary detailing Williams' alleged alcohol addiction, struggles with health issues and treatment for "cognitive issues."
If she ran for the White House she'd still be the fittest, youngest and most credible candidate so far this year.
The answer to "Whatever happened to Wendy Williams" is not forthcoming, however: "Her family says they don't know where she is and cannot call her". Good to know.
"Meghan & Harry – Their New Moves."
As the renegade royals "shine in Canada," 'People' mag ponders on "speculation about Prince Harry's potential return to royal duties," even though royal insiders say there is zero chance of Harry being allowed to do so.
'Us Weekly'
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds wouldn't open the door to 'Us Weekly' even if it was to throw a bucket of cold water on the burning rag, but the magazine's cover story invites readers "Inside Their Private World," telling anodyne tales of "their sweet romance . . . and how they make their marriage work." Their secret? "They're soulmates and just click," says an unnamed source. They also have "a very lighthearted vibe." That'll do it.
The are two full pages of photos of Demi Moore's teacup Chihuahua named Pilaf. Two! And cynics claim that celebrity journalism is dead!
"Tom Cruise – Ready To Remarry?" 'Us Weekly' hasn't the faintest idea, but claims his romance with Russian socialite Elsina Khayrova "is getting serious."
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Emily Ratajkowski wore it best (she could wear a black plastic trash bag and it would still look great), that 'Suits' actress Gina Torres's "go-to cocktail on a Friday night is a dirty vodka martini," and that the stars are just like us: they take naps, do household chores, and make snowmen (though you can't help wondering if Kim Kardashian had an assistant to make the snowman for her).
'In Touch'
George Clooney and wife Amal dominate this week's cover, supposedly revealing: "Our New Life In France!"
The rag explores their "amazing $8M estate," but unsurprisingly neither George nor Amal sat down for a heart-to-heart with the mag.
'Life & Style'
Taylor Swift is allegedly dominating her NFL boyfriend Travis Kelce, as the tabloid's cover story reveals: "Taylor's Rules For Travis!"
He is reportedly banned from frequenting strip clubs, or taking photos with female fans, and isn't permitted to "talk or text – only FaceTime!"
The mag gently explains that this isn't Swift emasculating Kelce: "She Doesn't Want to Control Him – Just Help." Right.
Onwards and downwards . . .
