'National Enquirer'
"Hollywood's 20 Dumbest Stars Exposed!" is this week's cover story in what must be a deathly quiet week for real news.
It must have been a tough job editing down the hundreds of contenders to a mere 20, but the 'Enquirer' does offer a few gems. There's Paris Hilton allegedly saying: "No, no, I didn't go to England, I went to London," and Axl Rose saying: "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people." Ashton Kutcher allegedly said: "If the fat people just gave the skinny people more food . . . we could solve obesity and hunger at the same time." Indeed.
Critiquing the appearance of beautiful celebrities is a favourite pastime of the tabs, and this week the 'Enquirer' claims that Kim Kardashian's "bad plastic procedure" has left her with "mismatched eyes looking weirder than ever!"
while Jennifer Lopez is also attacked for sporting a "fake-nipple bra that makes her look totally topless," though it's unclear what the magazine's gripe is. Would they rather she went completely topless? Or do they think she is cheating her audience to win what the rag calls a "booby prize!"
Former supermodel Christie Brinkley is dubbed "Christie Wrinkly" for hypocritically using skin rejuvenating treatments after proclaiming that she embraced aging, and 'Today' show host Savannah Guthrie is branded a "Botox Zombie" after admitting using the wrinkle-erasing procedure. Celebrities just can't win with these people.
Always first with the news, the 'Enquirer' reports that Britain's "Royals Tune Out Harry & Meghan!" and predicts that a "face-to-face" meeting between Prince Harry and King Charles is "just not in the cards." The story was published the day after Harry flew to England and met with Charles, which the royal father-son duo probably did just for the pleasure of proving the tabloid wrong.
"Paltrow's Marriage Headed For The Rocks" claims the rag that imagines every celebrity marriage is on the verge of divorce. They have been predicting this break-up for years, and haven't been right yet.
In addition to attacking celebrities' looks, the 'Enquirer' is also targeting their personalities, based on little more than gossip.
Chris Pratt is allegedly "Hollywood's most hated hunk" because the star of the 'Guardians of the Galaxy' and 'Jurassic Park' franchises allegedly has "no issue telling it like it is," and apparently honesty riles other stars.
Meanwhile the knives are out for Dakota Johnson, branded a "closet diva" and "50 shades of fake" "for being a phony prima donna who is too annoying for words!" Supposedly she "failed to bond with her co-stars" on 'Spider-Man' spin-off 'Madame Web,' and allegedly "has this gauzy, unrealistic outlook on the world and on her own princess image." Oh, the temerity of having a gauzy outlook on life.
Brad Pitt's love life, currently with Ines de Ramon, sparks the blatant speculation: "Wedding Bells & A Baby For Brad And Ines!" We'll believe it when we see the wedding photos and the crib.
Billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein's former right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell is allegedly penning a memoir, and though the 'Enquirer' has definitively not seen a single word of it, the rag gleefully reports on "Sex Slaver Maxwell's Ink-Credible Lies!"
Maxwell, serving a 20 year sentence for her part in Epstein's under-age sex ring, has allegedly "been ordered to whitewash the crimes of his A-list cronies – or face the consequences!"
The implication is that powerful forces who were being blackmailed by Epstein could kill Maxwell, just as they supposedly murdered Epstein while he awaited trial in 2019. But rather than kill Maxwell, they've allegedly told her to keep their dark secrets to herself. It's all froth on a daydream.
"Taylor Gets A Swift Kick!" claims the 'Enquirer,' using a tired pun to suggest that Taylor Swift is being attacked by Republicans who fear she will sway the November election if she endorses Joe Biden for President.
'Globe'
"Dying Charles Giving Up The Throne!" declares the front page.
Prince William will have to pry the crown from King Charles' cold, dead hands before he relinquishes it, but now that Charles has been diagnosed with an unspecified cancer, the rag that has repeatedly predicted his abdication goes into over-drive repeating the same tired old cliché. The 'Globe' claims, yet again, that Charles is "sick and dying," and "wants to spend his final days quietly with the love of his life" – that's Queen Camilla, to you and me.
"New Epstein Witness Too Scared To Talk."
Parisian art dealer Alexia Wallaert flew a dozen times on Jeffrey Epstein's private jets from 2000 to 2002, but has reportedly declined to speak with the FBI saying: "I am not going to discuss my friends."
That sounds like loyalty, not fear.
Norman Baker, a former British MP and so-called "expert" on Prince Andrew, commenting on this story, reportedly said: "This woman needs to be spoken to by the authorities to find out what she was doing on that plane, what if anything she knew about Andrew and Epstein and their relationship." Right. Because when dozens of women were being sexually exploited, coerced and assaulted, what's important is Prince Andrew's relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.
"Amelia Earhart Mystery Solved After 87 Years!"
The enigma of Earhart's lost plane seems to be solved with the discovery of her wreckage every year – and then it turns out it isn't. Sonar sweeps recently found a plane resting 16,000 feet under the Pacific, which suggests that there is a plane 16,000 feet under the Pacific . . . but it could have belonged to anyone. There are thousands of planes at the bottom of the Pacific, many of them ditched during World War II, and not every one of them was piloted by Amelia Earhart.
Movie action star Jason Statham "ain't so tough," claims the 'Globe,' supposedly because he "is afraid of germs!" What's he supposed to do – battle Covid and the flu with martial arts?
Taylor Swift's fans are reportedly complaining about poor quality concert merchandise, and the 'Globe' can't resist a tired pun: "Swift kick as fans claim official stuff is shoddy." Who says originality is dead?
'People'
King Charles is this week's cover hunk, with a report on "The King's Cancer Crisis."
But there's also an alternate cover on newsstands featuring Robert De Niro talking about the joys of fatherhood at the age of 80. Clearly intended to be the sole cover story of the week, he now shares the supposed honor with Charles, who proves with cancer cells that cancer sells.
'Us Weekly'
Drew Barrymore is this week's cover attraction, telling: "How I Lost It All & Bounced Back."
She talks about her "chaotic" child stardom, "career stumbles and heartbreak," and why she is still "a work in progress." Aren't we all?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Halle Bailey wore it best, that actor Eric Roberts will "shuffle around the yard" each morning and evening feeding neighborhood cats and racoons, and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash (there must be a slew of paparazzi outside stars' homes on trash day), blow soap bubbles for their children, and use their smart phone camera as a makeup mirror. Scintillating, as always.
'Life & Style'
Duchess Meghan's "Hollywood Comeback!" dominates the front page, as the tabloid reports that she is "returning to TV and attending the Oscars!"
But both are speculative. While Netflix recently announced that Harry and Meghan's production company Archewell has some projects in the pipeline, there has been no suggestion that she will appear in any of them, least of all the spin-off from her former hit series 'Suits,' which she is neither producing nor signed to. Regardless, the rag forecasts that Meghan is diving into "movie roles and Suits spinoff," with a source claiming: "She needs the money and misses the spotlight." Or should it be vice versa?
She also supposedly hosted a dinner party "for A-List friends" Serena Williams, Ellen DeGeneres and Kevin Costner, perhaps proving that she has not been shunned by Hollywood after all, despite numerous stories to that effect.
'In Touch"
Taylor Swift and her NFL beau Travis Kelce will reportedly enjoy a "Super Bowl Proposal!" But it remains to be seen if Swift can even get to the Super Bowl, as she is appearing on stage in Japan the night before the game, and afterwards would have to catch the first flight to Australia where she is performing immediately following the Super Bowl.
Their engagement – assuming Tay Tay says "Yes!" – will be followed by a Rhode Island wedding in the spring, claims the rag. Swift will have 12 bridesmaids, which I'll bet is news to her.
Onwards and downwards . . .
