J. Edgar Hoover's "Kennedy blackmail files" revealed, and other tabloid stunners

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! – Mark]

Bill Cosby "will die in jail," J. Edgar Hoover's "Kennedy blackmail files" have been revealed, and Jennifer Lopez reveals her "secrets for staying young," which inexplicably doesn't include being born with her parents' DNA and acquiring several million dollars to maintain one's looks.

But if we're looking for logic and facts, this week's tabloids aren't the best place to find them.

Angelina Jolie has adopted a seventh child "behind Brad's back," claims the Enquirer.
You think he might notice, sooner or later?

Elvis Presley was murdered to prevent him from running off with an alleged lover he bedded 24 years earlier, the Enquirer also claims.

And to complete its trifecta, the Enquirer claims that Kurt Cobain was murdered because the fatal shotgun shell was found to the left of his body though the weapon's chamber ejects shells to the right.

Let's get real. Shell casings bounce. Presley wasn't about to leave his young fiancé for an old hookup. And Angelina's "adopted" son is still part of a family in Cambodia that she has reportedly helped by buying $200 worth of new clothes – a fortune in that country, but still, only $200 – which falls slightly short of the legal definition of adoption.

Will Cosby die in jail, as the Enquirer promises? Prosecutors have to convict him first.

J. Edgar Hoover's "blackmail files" aren't "revealed" at all by the Globe, which claims to have interviewed a "top government official" who doesn't have the alleged files either, and then rehashes all the well-worn allegations about patriarch Joe Kennedy being a Nazi spy, JFK's illicit sex romps, and First Lady Jackie Kennedy's affair with Frank Sinatra.

Fortunately we have the celebrity magazines to bring us the week's real news: Sofia Vergara wore it best (or at least, filled it bursting-at-the-seams best), Mark Cuban confesses that he would "rather eat fast food than a formal meal," and the stars are just like us: they snack on the go, they shop for shoes, and they catch some rays.

But Us magazine's crack investigative team this week fails to bring us an exclusive look inside the purse of a "celebrity" you've probably never heard of. There's no revelation about what brand of chewing gum they favor, or what flavor lip gloss a starlet totes. No candid shots of car keys, sunglasses and the hip, thought-provoking novel they think they'd like to be seen reading, if only they read something other than well-thumbed scripts that other stars have passed on.

Thankfully we have People magazine to bring us its cover story on the "Secrets of the Full House stars," reunited after 20 years.

And what are those "secrets"?

"Everything happens for a reason," says John Stamos. Bob Saget reveals that his three daughters "are the light of my life." And Jodie Sweetin, recovered from a meth addiction, says: "My life is amazing."

Sadly, those aren't secrets any more.

Onwards and downwards . . .