It's summer, so let the tabloid body shaming begin

It's summer, so let the body shaming begin. The National Enquirer brings us four pages of "Celebs with Cellulite," and Us magazine assaults us with six pages of "bikini diet tips," which lamentably forget to include the genetic code for readers to reverse-engineer themselves to look like Gigi Hadid. People magazine sends mixed messages, offering two pages of hard-bodied stars splashing about in the ocean, along with eight pages of celebrities cooking dishes of dubious health benefit such as brown sugar bacon, honey-pepper cast-iron biscuits, and spaghetti with meatballs.

But don't lose too much weight for the summer – the National Examiner warns that country singer Dolly Parton is 89 pounds and "wasting away."

Comedy veteran Carol Burnett "Tells all before she dies!" screams the Globe, which is good, because it's probably easier than telling all after she dies. What does she tell? Nothing to the Globe, which is going to have to wait with the rest of us for the publication of her memoir later this year, though that doesn't stop the Globe speculating that Burnett was saddened by her daughter's drug addiction. Seems like a stretch to me. What parent wouldn't be proud of their child's drug addiction?

With all the chaos surrounding Brexit, I must have missed the abdication at Buckingham Palace and Prince Charles' refusal to accept the crown, because the Globe splashes its cover with: "Queen Kate's Reign Begins – and she's pregnant with twins!" Ignoring for a moment the fact that Kate Middleton remains Duchess of Cambridge and has not been named Queen, reports of her pregnancy with twins have been circulating since April, so she should be showing a considerable baby bump by now if it were true. A tabloid editor can dream, I suppose.

Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Marie is facing a $700 million "dirty divorce" according to the Enquirer, though she's already lost more than half her fortune in the Globe, which accuses her husband of squandering Presley's "$300 million fortune." Maybe the missing $400 simply slipped behind the sofa cushions.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have separated and face a $480 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which repeats this story almost weekly, and hasn't been right yet. But a tabloid editor can dream.

Tom Cruise must be thinking he can't win with the tabloids, and he'd be right. Accused repeatedly of not seeing his daughter Suri for almost three years – a statistic which actually means that the paparazzi haven't seen Tom with Suri for three years – this week's Enquirer claims that Cruise reunited with Suri "to get revenge on ex Katie." Any other divorced father seeing his daughter would be enjoying legal visitation rights, but the Enquirer says that Cruise "snatched back" Suri. It's rare that I feel sorry for Tom Cruise, but on this occasion I'll make an exception.

It takes the National Examiner's world-respected religious correspondent to bring us the week's most impressive tabloid revelation: a Bible prophecy "cover-up" and the "shocking truths the church doesn't want you to know." Inspired by texts from the lost gospels that failed to make it into the original version of the Bible, the Examiner warns readers to "Beware the Lost Angel," that Heaven and Hell are real, and that "The Christian belief in reincarnation is one of the best-kept secrets of the church." Naturally they predict the End of Days, global conflagration, and for true believers "salvation guaranteed." Or your money back?

Fortunately we have Us magazine's crack team of investigative reporters to inform us that Blake Lively wore it best (but only by showing more cleavage), TV's 'Bachelorette' suitor JoJo Fletcher loves the smell of gasoline and fresh-cut grass (perhaps she has a future as a rural arsonist?), US Olympic gymnastic hopeful Simone Biles carries keys, lipstick and a hairbrush in her Nike duffel bag (how do Us reporters elicit such intimately personal information from celebrities?) and the stars are just like us: they apply makeup, get haircuts and eat ice cream (though little bits of hair would get all over your Rocky Road if you tried doing both at the same time.) Talk about the Book of Revelations.

Onwards and downwards . . .