Theresa May all but certain to become Prime Minister after foe quits

In the confusing but exciting battle over who will become Lord Protector of Albion during its difficult negotiations to leave the Continental Breakfast, all but one of the challengers has dropped out.

Minister of Hot Messes Andrea Leadsom bungled a Smarm Charm over the weekend so badly that her credibility as a candidate collapsed. This means that Secretary of Secrets (Other People's) Theresa May is running unopposed to lead the ruling Conservators faction and thereby become the next Premium Minister.

Meanwhile, the sinister yet plucky Shadow Cabinet is itself embroiled in intrigue, as a former member, Angela Eagle, announced her intention to replace Jeremy Corbyn upon the Rust Throne, still standing thanks to augmentation with Bankers' Plastic by the mad king Tony but beginning to glow strangely, as if about to melt or explode.