President Obama's "Wild White House Orgy!" and other tabloid stunners

Farewell, Nick Nolte. We'll miss you.

We loved you in '48 Hrs' and 'Down and Out in Beverly Hills.' You were masterful in 'The Thin Red Line' and 'Cape Fear.'

It's sad, but at the age of 75 you've lived a good life, enjoyed your share of drink and drugs, and earned three richly-deserved Academy Award nominations.

But now it's time to go.

A month ago the 'National Enquirer' gave you four weeks to live, and now your time's up. A good actor knows when to leave the stage. I know you're looking hale and hearty, but the 'Enquirer' equates your unkempt hair and occasional disheveled attire with mental decay and imminent death, and their team of highly trained medical correspondents couldn't possibly be wrong could they? I know you have a new TV series, 'Graves,' debuting in October, but the 'Enquirer' wants you in a grave of your own. II know you wouldn't want to make liars out of the good and decent folks at the 'Enquirer.' I'm sure your fans can trust you to do the right thing.

The good news, Nick, is that you won't be alone in the morgue. Jack Nicholson is also on his last legs, according to the 'Enquirer,' which claims 'Dying Jack's love child fights for $400 million fortune.' Nicholson allegedly fathered a daughter in Denmark 35 years ago, and his "face would light up" whenever she was around, though he never publicly acknowledged her. But now Jack is at death's door – or at least, his family is reportedly "worried about his cholesterol" – and that's always the cue for a good old fight over a star's fortune.

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is also dying, "battling MS" according to the Globe, which has decided she "can't walk without help." Despite clearly walking unaided before reporters and TV cameras daily, apparently the couple of momentary occasions when she has been given a polite helping hand up a slick staircase is reason to believe that she's soon going to be doing ads for Life Alert shouting: "I've fallen and I can't get up."

Actress-singer Cher, who the tabloids have been promising for several years is at death's door, has now reached a "deathbed truce" with "dying ex-husband Gregg Allman," claims the Globe. After years of estrangement, she reportedly "wanted to be sure she is there for him before he passes." Allman, however, plans "on getting better and back on the road as soon as I can." How ungrateful can you get?

Back in the world of the living – though the tabloids had him dying just weeks ago – Bill Clinton must be kicking himself that me missed President Obama's "Wild White House Orgy!" As the 'Globe' explains, after Obama celebrated his 55th birthday with "an outrageous $2 million White House bash," he and several friends retired to a private room where they indulged in booze, pot and cocaine, while 'two of his friends received oral sex from women believed to be high-class hookers brought in for the event." It's good to know that the White House is no longer using interns for this long-established practice, and equally gratifying that the hookers were brought in for the event, and not part of the permanent White House staff. Still, it's hard to imagine that the party actually cost $2 million, unless Beyonce, Ellen DeGeneres and Stevie Wonder actually charged appearance fees to be there. The story comes from "D.C. insiders," so it must be true.

The 'Enquirer' exposes a Natalie Wood "autopsy cover-up," as it reveals that the coroner failed to take fingernail clippings from her body. When was this detail first revealed? In the 'West Side Story' star's autopsy report almost 35 years ago – but that's news to the 'Enquirer.' Former coroner Dr Thomas Noguchi recently gave a deposition in the case as police take a fresh look at the death, and in the absence of any real breaking news, the 'Enquirer' has dusted off that decades-old tidbit and decided it's part of a deliberate cover-up. Hard to argue with that logic.

Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's crack investigative team to tell us that Zendaya wore it best, Sean 'Diddy' Combs sleeps "with 15 pillows," 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' star Teresa Giudice carries lip gloss, lip liner and lipstick in her black Furla handbag, and the stars are just like us: they play golf, boogie board, eat ice cream and ride bikes.
'Us' mag devotes its cover to Jinger Duggar and fiancé Jeremy revealing details of "our whirlwind courtship," and how they are "saving their first kiss" – kiss! – "for their 'intimate' wedding day." Ye gods and little fishes. Us mag keeps putting the myriad Duggar family members on its cover, so I have to assume they sell copies, but I'm at a loss to comprehend the fascination with this dysfunctional clan of sexually-repressed breeders.
"America's sweethearts" dominate the cover of 'People' magazine, as the U.S. women's Olympics gymnastics team "share their emotional journey to gold." Revelations include Simone Biles admitting: "I have everything I need," and Laurie Hernandez confessing: "We all support each other really well." Shocking.

Most helpful story of the week comes courtesy of the 'National Examiner,' offering "5 surprising uses for your old comb" – groom your pet, defuzz your sweater, scratch your back, fluff up rugs, and then – and this is the wonderful part – decorate a cake by running your old comb through the frosting. Yum! Next week I'd like to read about "5 surprising uses for your old Puffy Combs."

The Examiner also offers readers guidance on how to become billionaires by looking for "lost or hidden loot" which can be found "buried in forests, hidden in mines and lurking beneath ocean waves." Sunken pirate treasure, buried Spanish gold and other fortunes are "out there – for anyone to find!" promises the Examiner, which may have been reading 'Treasure Island' and mistaken it for a scientific report. Easily done. "Somewhere inside a remote mountain in New Mexico there's a treasure of gold and other items believed to be worth about $2 billion," the Examiner gushes. Prospector Doc Noss reportedly discovered the treasure in 1937, and then "could never find the right spot again." I have the same problem with my car keys.

Onwards and downwards . . .

P.S. If Nick Nolte dies after the publication of this story I'd like to extend my heartfelt condolences to his loved ones, and to the 'Enquirer' editors who suffer heart attacks when they realize that they actually got a story right.