Safer sex with aliens, and other tabloid stunners

"Fight off the zombie hordes!" cries a full-page ad in this week's 'National Enquirer,' featuring a hand-crafted and hand-painted shattered human skull with a bloody axe embedded in its cranium.

It's a Halloween decoration that makes a pleasant change from the truly frightening usual ads offering ceramic angels, silver pendants to show how much you love your granddaughter, and life-like Princess Diana figurines.

But it's also the perfect gift for 'Enquirer' readers who by now may be fearing a zombie invasion as the inevitable outcome of this year's presidential election if "crooked Hillary Clinton" wins the Oval Office, having been fed a diet of panicked warnings by the magazine. This week the 'Enquirer' does its bit to ramp up the fear level with "the explosive story that will change the election," bringing us ten pages exposing "24 years of cover-ups and crimes" by Hillary. A "hitman" for Hillary tells the 'Enquirer' how he was allegedly ordered to destroy Bill Clinton's sex victims, bribe reporters to hide the truth, hide her sleazy affairs and pay hush money to hookers. Alas, none of the allegations is backed by anything that rises to the level of proof, or has corroboration from any additional sources than its unnamed "Mr. Fit-It."

"Hillary's Plot to Kill Monica!" is a great headline spread over two pages, but the article includes not one mention of a plot to assassinate former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Claims that the White House was doing its own investigation on Lewinsky are hardly new or surprising. Among the "fixes" allegedly arranged: encouraging a well-known columnist to "write positively about the Clintons" in exchange for access, and paying tabloid reporters – who the 'Enquirer' with blithe lack of self-awareness call "cowardly" and "slimy" – for advance warning on any bad stories about to be published. When rumors allegedly circulated linking Bill Clinton to 'Entertainment Tonight' host Mary Hart, the Mr. Fix-It claims he was summoned to help, though "it doesn't appear anything came of that." Hardly shocking. And when the Monica Lewinsky scandal reared its head, so to speak, Mr. Fix-It was allegedly ordered to kill the story "under direct orders" from Hillary Clinton. Yet there is no evidence of Hillary giving any such orders, and as a for a cover-up, that clearly went perfectly. Who's ever heard of Monica Lewinsky?

Mr. Fix-It claims he "arranged a lesbian romp for bi-sexual Hillary with a prominent Hollywood identity" – not a prominent Hollywood actress, or executive, but an "identity," which makes it sound like Hillary met with a corporate logo rather than a person. The fixer claims to have arranged a meeting for Hillary with this mystery woman at a Beverly Hills hotel, immediately after Clinton visited a Hollywood studio for a movie screening in 1994. "I helped her slip out of the back exit for a one-on-one session with the other woman," claims Mr. Fix-It. But that makes no sense. Why would Hillary have to "slip out" of a screening at a Hollywood studio, when she could simply walk out after the movie, if she's then going to drive across town to a liaison at a Beverly Hills hotel? You can't "slip out" of a Hollywood studio and into a Beverly Hills hotel – any Beverly Hills hotel is at least 10 minutes drive away from the nearest studio. And how does Mr. Fix-It know that Hillary was heading to a sex romp? He claims she left the movie trying "to look casual . . . but really it was for something presumably more sordid." Presumably? Presumably!! That's what the 'Enquirer' calls "proof," presumably.

'Enquirer' readers not reaching for their blood-dripping axe might instead be reaching for their surgical scalpel, as the magazine seems obsessed with breast enhancement surgery this week. They report that Caitlin Jenner had "a new set of massive mammaries" installed to "lift her love life," that Ben Affleck has reunited with estranged wife Jennifer Garner who is "celebrating with a breast lift," and accuses NBC's fired 'Today' show co-host Billy Bush of being "a boob job bully" for allegedly pressuring his former 'Access Hollywood' co-host Kit Hoover to get breast enhancement surgery "to save her job." Not that the 'Enquirer' is obsessed about women's breasts, of course. They also take a good look at Jennifer Lopez's backside, concluding that it looks "better than ever," and therefore must have been surgically "plumped up a little," according to an unnamed insider. Because she couldn't possibly just be wearing Spanx, or pants that lift her derriere.

The 'Globe,' not to be outdone in scraping the bottom of the gutter for stories, literally dug through Hillary Clinton's trash bins to find "surgical supplies," "junk food" and "drugs." The surgical supplies? Latex gloves. The drugs? Reporters supposedly found perfectly legal "stamina-boosting stimulants." Did they find any discarded medications for the illnesses they claim she is suffering, including lung cancer, multiple sclerosis, brain blood clotting, double vision and blackouts? Not a single empty pill bottle. Imagine their disappointment. "There were remains of potato chips, M&Ms, gummy bears, half-eaten bagels and several empty burrito and taco bowls," claims the trashy tabloid. But the contents of the garbage could have been generated by Bill Clinton or any of the staff or security teams who drift in and out of their home in Washington D.C.,, or even the Secret Service agents who sit in vehicles outside the house, eat lunch in their cars and throw their refuse in the same bin, and let 'Globe' reporters openly carry it all away – but the 'Globe' attributes it all to Hillary.

Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's crack investigative team to tell us that Dakota Johnson and Rosie Huntington-Whitley both wore the same $420 Gucci leather belt the best, while Jennifer Aniston failed miserably – though how one fails at wearing a belt, I have no idea – and that Tyler Perry loves country music, 'Supergirl' actress Melissa Benoist carries sunscreen and chocolate bars in her Tory Burch tote, and the stars are just like us: they golf, garden, and listen to music.

Kim Kardashian is "haunted by flashbacks" of her recent Paris robbery, while US swimmer Ryan Lochte, who falsely claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint in Rio de Janeiro, is "overcoming my shame" by 'Dancing With The Stars,' reports 'Us' mag. Perhaps Kim Kardashian needs 'Dancing With The Stars' therapy? Ellen DeGeneres tells 'People' mag "How I finally found happiness," by surviving tough times to make marriage work with Portia de Rossi, while the mag's writer Natasha Stoynoff recounts how she feels "violated all over again" after Donald Trump denied sexually assaulting her.

As always, leave it to the 'National Examiner' to report the week's most ludicrous yet apparently true story, already reported by CNN and the London Sun: the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education's call for NASA to send condoms into space, to ensure safer sex with aliens.

Onwards and downwards . . .