As Country Joe and the Fish once sang: "There ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee, we're all going to die."
That's the cheering message at the heart of yet another week of dispassionate, balanced and fair political reporting from the 'Globe.'
"World War 3," thunders its cover. "Doomsday if Hillary wins the White House."
Better duck and cover if you plan to vote for Mrs. Clinton, warns the mag.
"Russian nukes ready to launch," a headline screams. But hang on a sec – Russian nuclear weapons have been ready to launch for decades. Nothing new there. Oh, but there is, says the 'Globe' – "Clinton gave Putin Nuke That Can Wipe Out Texas!" As if she had a spare H-bomb laying around, and handed to Putin on a visit to Moscow while he gave her a set of nesting dolls and a bottle of vodka. The worst deal ever, as Donald Trump might say. Russia had enough nuclear weapons to wipe out Texas and the rest of the nation long before Clinton approved the sale of a U.S. uranium mining company, giving Russia access to 20 per cent of the uranium mined in America. And Clinton was only one part of the approving committee, which included the Secretaries of Defense, Homeland Security, Commerce, Energy and the Treasury. And Clinton could not have stopped the sale if she wanted to – only the President could make that decision, while she was merely Secretary of State. But as far as the 'Globe' is concerned, Hillary Clinton is responsible for all the world's evils, and gleefully reports: "Clueless Hillary would trigger World War 3 if she wins presidency."
What's the solution, you wonder?
The 'Globe' helpfully explains: "Now only Donald Trump can stop the certain nuclear exchange between America and the Russians!"
Such reporting makes the magazine's celebrity reportage seem positively restrained, with such dubious offerings as Tiger Woods allegedly begging ex-wife Elin "Take me back," rock legend "Fats Domino Eating His Way Into The Grave," "Megyn Kelly's Wild Secret Life" ("ugly divorce … cheating … plastic surgery … nasty feuds") and Prince Charles' wife Camilla branded "The Queen of Farts" in a sophomoric "world exclusive" claiming that "Camilla is suffering from extreme, chronic flatulence." It's only surprising that the Globe' doesn't blame global warming on Camilla's gaseous emissions.
The 'National Enquirer' opts for a more measured, restrained approach on this week's cover: "Hillary: Corrupt! Racist! Criminal."
Far more interesting – though perhaps no less fanciful – is the mag's "special investigation" into "The Stars' Secret Sex Club," reportedly an 'Eyes Wide Shut'-style upscale orgy "for Tinseltown heavyweights." It's the monthly staging of Snctm, a members-only Los Angeles gathering described by its hosts as "erotic theatre," and which was previously profiled by Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop, which makes the 'Enquirer' seem rather lame in following up such a source.
Most entertaining is the 'Enquirer' spread on Hillary Clinton's alleged "Mr. Fix-It," self-proclaimed bagman Jeff Rovin, who produces pages of his decades-old diaries as "proof" of Hillary plotting to kill harmful news reports about her and husband Bill. But the diary pages prove only that the allegations are the product of a cluttered mind, filled with disorganized scrawl, scribbled notes, random thoughts and illegible entries roughly crossed out.
As for "Hillary's 'N' Word Rant," the 'Enquirer quotes chef Tracey Martin claiming to have heard Mrs. Clinton rage after a plate of cookies were slow to appear at a tea party, until finally served by an African American waiter, prompting her to allegedly proclaim: "What's that n—— doing in here?" Which admittedly seems a strange reaction to delayed cookie gratification. "It's all true," declares the 'Enquirer,' which assures readers that Martin "passed the National Enquirer lie detector" – even though polygraphs have been widely discredited, and are only accepted as court evidence in certain states.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Jessie James Decker wore it best, actress Brenda Song carries a toothbrush, toothpaste and Tylenol in her Alexander Wang tote, and that the stars are just like us: they bite their nails, exercise outside and eat pasta. Britain's Prince Harry's "secret romance" with 'Suits' actress Meghan Markle dominates the cover of 'Us' mag, but excitement over impending wedding bells may be premature. They have reportedly been dating for just two months, and 'Us' helpfully points out that Prince William dated his future wife Kate Middleton for six years before she was allowed to meet the Queen. In other words: Don't go printing those Royal Wedding mugs just yet.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to Jon Bon Jovi telling "My untold story," which lamentably remains untold no longer. "Still married to his high school sweetheart," adds a cover headline, greatly spoiling the surprise of the untold story within. Bon Jovi pushes Hillary Clinton off the cover, and 'People' mag's four-page softball interview with the Democratic presidential candidate is notable mainly for Hillary's use of the phrase "Holy Moly!" as an exclamation of surprise, presumably because she believes she's a 1940s comic-book character and couldn't bring herself to use the n-word in front of 'People' reporters, who presumably served her cookies with appropriate speed.
Leave it up to the 'National Examiner' to warn of a coming "Martian Attack," though it admits that the alien invasion "will start small." The mag is worried that NASA's mission to Mars could return with "nasty microbes wreaking havoc," though as anyone who has read 'War of the Worlds' knows, any microscopic alien invaders will be killed by the common cold virus, or maybe simply wiped out when Russia nukes America on November 9 after Hillary is elected.
Onwards and downwards . . .