You can't win with the tabloids. You're either too fat, too thin, or hiding a deadly secret.
This week's tabloids continue their obsession with the stars' weight, led by the 'National Enquirer' and its team of reporters expertly trained by years working in "Guess Your Weight" booths at county fair midways.
Its cover story on Angelina Jolie declares: "78 lb Angie Skin & Bones!" while showing photos of her looking much the same as ever. "She looks like she's lost more than 10 pounds in just seven days," says an unidentified "horrified pal."
Meanwhile the 'Enquirer' claims of diva Mariah Carey: "263 lb Mariah Too Fat To Walk!" Seriously?
"Mariah Carey is now so fat her handlers have to wheel her on to the stage on a bed or Jet Ski!" it reports. Does that sound like a medical condition, or could that just be showmanship? If she really couldn't walk, wouldn't a wheelchair be easier than pushing her around on a Jet Ski?
The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton only has to have a large lunch for the 'Enquirer' to declare "Kate Preggers Again!" after being pictured with the slightest "belly bump." Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Marie's "bulging belly" also drives the mag to declare her "pregnant and homeless."
Singer Katy Perry is apparently neither too fat or too thin, so she's therefore "sex-starved" and "booze-soaked," according to the 'Enquirer,' which is their interpretation of the fact that she's not in a relationship and had a glass of wine with lunch.
Pamela Anderson "is sporting a new accessory: a bulging belly," reports the 'Globe,' though its crack team of psychic obstetricians don't appear to think she's pregnant, just fat, like comedy star Will Ferrell whose 'blobs of glory" are cruelly highlighted by the mag.
Wishful thinking abounds in this week's tabloids.
Prince Charles' wife Camilla "crowns herself" and "uses dead queen's tiara to claim throne," reports the 'Globe.' Because that's how one becomes Queen: one pops a diamond tiara on one's head. Everyone knows that.
"Hillary Dumps Bill!" screams a 'Globe' exclusive, claiming a Clinton marital split that the mag has been promising in vain for decades. If they keep repeating the story, eventually there's a chance they could be right. But today? Don't hold your breath.
More bizarre is the 'Globe's' claim that singer Olivia Newton-John is "Hoping Kittens Can Cure Cancer!" Is she eating the felines, or having them puréed and injected into her buttocks? No such luck. Olivia simply posted a video of kittens rolling around in the grass. The 'Globe' naturally decided this was "kitten therapy." Because she couldn't just like cats, could she?
Soon-to-be-paroled O.J. Simpson is "coming to get Kim" Kardashian, because he has "vowed to get revenge on everyone who labeled him a killer," reports the 'Enquirer.' That's going to be a list with tens of millions of names on it, so you can expect Simpson to be busy for several years to come. And why does Kim Kardashian top the list, especially since she has never accused Simpson of being a murderer? Tabloid editors can dream, can't they?
'People' magazine devotes its cover and ten inside pages to "The Real Diana," marking the approaching 20th anniversary of the death of their all-time best-selling cover girl, "We didn't truly know her," says her friend and charity partner, Vivienne Parry, of the woman whose life was publicly dissected in every minute detail. If you don't know her by now you never will, and don't expect to learn anything new from 'People.'
The mag celebrates social media curiosity Morgan Bartley documenting her weight loss regimen on Instagram, and naturally follows the story a few pages later with recipes for silver dollar pancake sandwiches, fried avocado and turkey toast, and blueberry maple hand pies, all of which should send Morgan's weight soaring again.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Emily Ratajkowski wore it best, Jennifer Beals had a childhood pet mouse named Samantha, designer Rachel Roy carries cough drops, sunglasses and makeup in her leather-grained tote, and that the stars are just like us: they have car trouble, feed parking meters, and have their hair cut.. Without this informative feature might we really spend our days believing that celebrities never have problems with their vehicles, are allowed to park gratis wherever they wish, and have hair that preternaturally stays immaculately the same length without the attentions of a stylist?
Once again it falls to the 'National Examiner' to bring us the tabloids' most unlikely yet accurate story: "DNA Search for Jesus' Relatives Today!" Scientists are indeed examining DNA traces found in ancient relics including the Shroud of Turin, bones believed to be those of Jesus' cousin John the Baptist, and the James ossuary, which may have held the bones of Jesus's brother. But reality is rarely as obliging as tabloid headlines. Initial tests of John the Baptist's bones found DNA matching the scientist who extracted the sample, indicating contamination, while the DNA of multiple persons were found on the Shroud of Turin, which is clearly overdue for a good dry clean. The search for Christ's descendants may be a real act of faith.
As the 'Examiner' proclaims in its story about more than seven per cent of Americans convinced that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, "Americans believe some crazy stuff!"
Onwards and downwards . . .