More than 30 women have accused Harvey Weinstein of rape or sexual abuse, another 200+ women have claimed sexual assault by writer-director James Toback, but only the National Enquirer, following a "12-month investigation" into Hollywood sex crimes, can reveal that Halle Berry "walked arm in arm" with an unnamed alleged sex harasser.
Arm in arm? Is that seriously the worst abuse the Enquirer could dig up? Apparently. Sandra Bullock "was pursued" by a predatory director, Jessica Alba "was cast" in an alleged sex abuser's movie, and Jennifer Aniston "enjoyed success with a powerful executive."
Wow. How's that for blowing the lid off Hollywood sleaze?
The Enquirer cover headline screams "New Sex Abuse Scandal Rocks Hollywood," but you know it's going to be a disappointment when they can't even be bothered to add the usually-mandatory exclamation mark at the end.
Are we supposed to assume that these stars were victims of far worse indignities than the Enquirer coyly reveals? That seems unlikely, coming from a publication that has never shied away from describing sordid sexual encounters in loving detail.
"Three movie moguls exposed inside!" adds the cover. "The Predators Unmasked!" And their identities are … never revealed. "The three movie moguls remain in the shadows, but the Enquirer is aware of their identities . . ." the rag reports, presumably happy for these "unmasked" predators to continue inflicting their sleazy atrocities. No wonder Donald Trump once said that the Enquirer deserves a Pulitzer prize.
The tabloids continue grabbing the moral low ground this week, led by the Globe cover proclaiming: "Michael J. Fox Miracle Cure!" and promising his "big Hollywood comeback!" In a cynical piece of gross exploitation, the Globe correctly notes that there have been advances in treatment for Parkinson's disease, and combines that with a quote in which Fox says: "I kind of stumbled onto a new combination of meds for dyskinesia" – an abbreviated misquote from Fox's interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC News in May 2012. From this five-year-old quote they fabricate the illusion that Fox has been cured, beneath the headline "Miracle!" in letters over two inches high. Classy.
Actress Valerie Harper, battling cancer, has "six months to live" according to the Globe, which should make her happy, because on May 11, 2016 the Enquirer gave her just three months to live.
William Shatner is this week's victim of the Globe team of "Guess Your Weight" experts, who report that Star Trek alum William Shatner, tipping the scales at precisely 303 pounds – and not an ounce more or less – is "Fighting to Walk." He reportedly took advantage of a wheelchair to be ferried to a plane at JFK airport, which hardly means he's incapable of walking. He rides his horses regularly, and is poised to stage his one-man show in Missouri on October 27 and 29. You just can't let the paparazzi catch you sitting down.
Gladiator star Russell Crowe is another target of the tabloid weight police, having reportedly packed on 74 pounds – because the Enquirer knows what a 75-pound weight gain looks like, and Crowe is definitely 16 ounces shy of that – and supposedly "docs fear disaster!" The Enquirer has even found "one shocked doctor" who is "warning the formerly hunky matinee idol to diet – or face death!" Right.
Just like Carnie Wilson, who the Enquirer claims "has ballooned up to 300 pounds – again!" as unnamed doctors "warn that Carnie, 49, is courting death!" Yes, it's been that kind of week in the tabloids – everyone's going to die.
So is the Goldman family, evidently, who won a $33.5 million wrongful death lawsuit against O.J. Simpson for the 1994 slaying of their son Ron Goldman. Both the Enquirer and the Globe report that Simpson offered a former fellow jailhouse inmate $100,000 "to knock off Ron Goldman's family." This allegation comes from Vernon Nelson, who reportedly shared a jail cell with O.J. between 2015 and 2016, and who has since supplied several dubious stories about Simpson to the tabloids, presumably in exchange for some financial compensation – yet never before mentioned this murder-for-hire allegation. It's impressive how Nelson keeps remembering new information from his time behind bars with Simpson. Let's hope he keeps remembering new details for years to come.
It doesn't get much better at the glossy end of the market with Us magazine's cover claiming that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are "Trying For Baby!" The magazine takes us "Inside Their Secret Struggle," as an unnamed "insider" alleges that the couple is discussing surrogacy. Because that's the sort of thing that Hollywood insiders always know. Us also tells us that Jennifer Garner, finally extricated from husband Ben Affleck, is "ready for love." Aren't we all?
It's hard to argue with Us mag's Kardashian headline: "Khloé – Boy or Girl?" Probably.
People magazine devotes its cover to This is Us star Mandy Moore going from "Heartbreak to Happiness." A hit TV show and an engagement to wed will do that to you.
Fortunately we have Us mag's crack investigative team to tell us that Whitney Port wore it best (but barely, winning by only 51-49 over Jamie Chung), that Dancing with the Stars castmate Jenna Johnson has "an unhealthy obsession with guacamole" (and what would be a healthy obsession with guacamole?), that American Horror Story: Cult actress Leslie Grossman carries a face massager, organic lollipops and a one cent coin in her Chanel purse, and that the stars are just like us: they eat late-night snacks, fold laundry, push luggage and read books – though not all at the same time.
Leave it to the National Examiner to reveal the sighting of a "giant flying saucer" that appeared in the sky above Maui, Hawaii. This close encounter apparently was witnessed by "James Vituscka, an investigative journalist in New York City." Could that possibly be the same James Vituscka whose LinkedIn page describes him as "Senior Reporter at RadarOnline," the online outlet for the National Enquirer? What are the odds? We couldn't ask for a more reliable witness.
Onwards and downwards . . .