What do Jesus Christ, Herman Munster, TinkerBell and Elvis Presley have in common? Readers of this week's Globe magazine can choose between life-like statuettes of all four, and I can't help wondering which will be the biggest seller, and what that might tell us about those tabloid lovers.
The bronze Jesus lights up as a "radiant testimony to faith," while Elvis sings, Herman Munster plays his TV show's theme song, and TinkerBell . . . well, she just stands there looking cute, inviting you to "put your faith in pixie dust," which is probably not dissimilar to what Jesus is offering.
Who are these tabloid readers, who are also met with ads offering a mirrored music box to present to "My Granddaughter," a KISS decanter set, liver cleanse pills, a walk-in bathtub, compression socks and a no-collateral $35,000 loan? Is their target audience really aging diabetic grandmother glam rock fans with a nostalgia for '50s pop music and '60s TV?
The tabloids certainly continue to linger nostalgically over ancient stories, re-telling them as if new again. "Got Him!" screams the cover of the National Enquirer, now accusing actor Robert Wagner of the "premeditated murder" of wife Natalie Wood, and promising that "new evidence" means the actor "will die in jail." No, he won't. The "new evidence" is yet another rehash of old information, whipped up by the co-author of a 2011 book about Wood's death. Don't expect to see Wagner doing a perp walk any time soon.
O.J. Simpson has vowed to "decapitate" Kim Kardashian, claims the Enquirer, which will come as no surprise to its readers who last year were told that O.J. plans to "kill everyone" who ever crossed him. Last August they ran a variation on this theme, claiming that Simpson planned to murder Kim's mother Kris Jenner, claiming: "O.J. blames Kris for everything. Whether it's right or wrong, it's all her fault." And now it's apparently Kim's fault. I'm sure Kris will be relieved.
"Queen bans Fergie from Harry's wedding!" declares the Globe cover, which would be fine if the Queen actually wrote Prince Harry's wedding guest list, but it's not her wedding, not her list. Expect the toe-sucking, Royal influence-peddling Duchess of York to appear at some point on the couple's happy day.
Paul McCartney is blamed by the Globe "for daughter's mental breakdown," claiming that the "superstar drove her into insane asylum." Daughter Heather McCartney apparently found it "hell being part of a superstar family." I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. When did Heather seek help in a mental institution? In the 1980s, the rag reveals deep into its story – some 30 years ago. How is Heather today, you wonder? "Doing great," an unnamed source tells the Globe. And this is what passes for breaking news in the tabloids.
Slightly more contemporary, the Globe reports: "Obama deliberately let war heroes die!" A Veterans Affairs contractor allegedly denied medical claims for profit while Obama was president, and thus "Obama has blood on his hands!" No doubt Obama personally ordered the scandalous fraud, The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled that a whistleblower's False Claims Act suit can proceed to trial, but the Globe reports this as if the allegations were proven and the case won, which is hardly the case.
Us magazine devotes its cover to the "Sex & The City" cat fight between Sarah Jessica Parker and nemesis Kim Cattrall, reporting: "The Feud Gets Worse: Bullying, Lies & Betrayal." Evidently they have been warring since SATC's second TV season, and the chances of a third SATC movie are dead.
Not that you'd know it reading People magazine's cover story on Sarah Jessica Parker, who tells all about "motherhood, marriage and four decades of fame." But her feud with Cattrall – not so much. "There was no fight," she tells the mag. "It was completely fabricated." Then how do you explain Cattrall's recent social media post attacking SJP: "You are not my friend" . . ?
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us to tell us that Zoe Saldana wore it best, TV's "The Bachelor" star Arie Luyendyk Jr. has a tattoo of Les Miserables' Jean Valjean's prisoner number "24601" (perhaps Arie was also harshly persecuted for stealing a loaf of bread?), that U.S. Olympic snowboarder Jamie Anderson takes no chances and carries "a religious charm and a lucky stone" in her Ralph Lauren bag, and that the stars are just like us: they browse in bookstores, haul groceries, and pull up to the McDonald's drive-through window.
The National Examiner offers us the week's most practical news you can use: "10 amazing uses for kitty litter." Apparently it can be used as a trash can deodorizer, paint thickener, pest repellent, grill liner, cell phone dryer, shoe de-stinker, sidewalk slip-preventer, and as a beauty mask – though presumably that works best before your cat gets to it. How about a feature next week on Ten Amazing Uses for the Tabloids? Cat litter should be top of the list.
Onwards and downwards . . .