This week’s tabloids have climbed into their DeLorean, sped up to 88 mph, and raced back to the future to report on scandals that won’t actually happen until next week.
The British Royal Family doesn't gather at Sandringham Palace until Christmas Eve, yet days before this festive conclave, the Globe gleefully reports on a clash that almost kills the Queen on Christmas Day. “Queen, 92, Collapses – As Meghan Starts All-Out Family War!” screams the Globe cover.
A battle reportedly erupted as Britain’s most famous real-life soap stars sat down to watch British TV’s most beloved soap opera EastEnders – an unlikely Royal tradition beloved by the Queen – which is set to air on Christmas Day at 9:15 p.m. “It was a recipe for disaster,” reports the Globe, whose crack squad of psychic reporters have been working overtime looking into the future.
Meghan was so bored by the TV show (which, I’ll point out again, has not yet screened) that she began to walk out, when sister-in-law Kate whispered to her to remain. “Meghan went crazy!” reports the magazine, which redundantly tags its exclusive “Only in Globe!” She allegedly yelled: “Don’t tell me what to do!”
The Queen rose from her armchair to intervene in the “bitter catfight” when Her Majesty “suddenly collapsed, falling backwards, dizzy and pale," say unnamed sources who clearly possess very powerful crystal balls, as told to journalists with balls made of even stronger stuff. Says an insider: “It’s Meghan’s fault!”
How has the Globe psychic reporting squad seen so far into the future, with such accuracy that they can quote verbatim from the Royal argument set to take place in several days time? Never underestimate the clairvoyant powers of the tabloid press.
Or has the Globe reporting team made the mistake of not only believing what they write, but also believing their own publication dateline? While newspapers always publish with that day’s dateline on their masthead, magazines routinely print a date a week or more ahead – or a month ahead in the case of monthly mags. So this week’s tabloids hit the newsstands on December 19, 2018, all carrying the publication date of December 31, 2018. This is designed to fool buyers who find the mag on the shelves six days after publication into believing that it’s still fresh news.
But the Globe reporters appear to have taken their December 31 dateline to heart, giving them carte blanche to write about events on Christmas Day as if they’re in the past – even when it’s still days before the holidays.
Not to be outdone, the National Enquirer brings us its “Psychic Hollywood Predictions for 2019!” What’s in store for the stars? Lady Gaga wins the Best Actress Oscar and gets married, Dolly Parton leaves her husband, Duchess Meghan gets pregnant within two months of delivering her first child in the spring, Charlie Sheen will wed wife #4, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson will see “more women come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct,” Katie Holmes, Priyanka Chopra and Demi Lovato will all announce their pregnancies, Ben Affleck will return to rehab (hardly fair – that’s way too easy to predict), Kanye West will have another embarrassing public outburst (ditto), Justin Bieber’s marriage to Hailey Baldwin will hit the rocks (seriously, you don’t need to be psychic to guess this one), and Tom Cruise will get engaged to a Scientologist actress (because who else would have him?).
With their team of world-renown psychic reporters, how could the Enquirer possibly be wrong? Or would it be churlish to recall last year’s psychic predictions made by the Enquirer for 2018? Here’s a sampling from 12 months ago . . .
• President Trump will reduce the national debt by 10 per cent! (Not quite. He sent it soaring.)
• Vice president Pence will drop out of the public eye due to family health issues. (Hardly. And he’s barely been in the public eye anyway, wise enough to keep his head down while those around him lose theirs.)
• Public outrage as The Queen declares Prince Charles will be her heir to the throne. (Not exactly a prediction, since British law mandates that her eldest child must be her heir. Charles’ succession was never in doubt.)
• Johnny Depp will declare bankruptcy. (This must have seemed an easy prediction for the star who was financially troubled in 2017, but he hasn’t declared bankruptcy yet.)
• Christian Bale will have another public meltdown and career crisis. (Hasn’t happened yet.)
• Angelina Jolie will romance a new leading man. (She has just over a week left to find him before the clock runs out on 2018.)
• Faith Hill and Tim McGraw will split up. (Hasn’t happened.)
• J. Lo and A-Rod will marry on a Caribbean Island. (It had better be a Christmas wedding, or this one’s also doomed to failure.)
• Demi Moore will marry a much younger man. (Nope.)
• Kerry Washington will be pregnant by the summer. (Sorry, no.)
• Megyn Kelly will host the Today show. (Yes!! True!!. But then again, it was not exactly a prediction, since she began hosting the third hour of the Today show four months before this forecast was made.)
With psychic powers like that, who needs a DeLorean?
With yet another psychic forecast, the Enquirer devotes two pages to its “exclusive” report: “ISIS Plots Year of Terror Across U.S.!” Attacks are reportedly planned on Disney World, Las Vegas, Washington D.C. and London on the terror group’s “hit list for chemical attacks.” Because the Enquirer has such good inside sources within ISIS and the CIA.
Would it be churlish to recall the “ISIS Terror Map” revealed by the Enquirer in November 2017, with terrorists allegedly targeting Mount Rushmore, the Hoover Dam, The Alamo, Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell, Wrigley Field, ComicCon in San Diego, and the Academy Awards in Los Angeles. Last time I looked, they were all still there, unscathed. Perhaps we have the National Enquirer to thank for alerting us to the threat and avoiding disaster? Yeah, right.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Issa Rae wore it best, that actor Patrick Wilson “was in a handbell choir” (which explains a lot), that Olivia Munn carries throat lozenges, anti-anxiety spray and Wet Ones in her Lady Dior purse, and that the stars are just like us (and have been extra-busy this week): they grab fast food, go biking, focus on their phone, carry large gifts, dote on their pets, stop for drinks, buy wrapping paper – pause to inhale – look for bargains, decorate cookies and go food shopping! Well, I didn’t see that coming.
Strap in and go back to the future if you can’t wait for next week’s tabloid stories. When this thing gets up to 88 mph, you’re going to see some serious shit.
Onwards and downwards . . .