Is the National Enquirer running scared? There's not a mention of either Amazon chief Jeff Bezos or president Donald Trump in this week's edition. Could it be that the threat of investigation and possible prison time for hacks accused of extortion and blackmail against Bezos and burying sex scandals about Trump have finally silenced the nattering nabobs of negativism? Bezos and The Donald escape lightly this week, but others aren't so lucky.
Prince Charles "Disowns Harry!" proclaims the Globe cover. Prince Harry reportedly refused Charles' demand that he divorce wife Meghan, and in the ensuing row Charles raged that DNA tests have proven he's not Harry's father. Which would explain why Charles allegedly said: "You're a common-born bastard." Aren't we all? The odds that this conversation actually happened? Infinitesimally small. The odds that the Globe has a source inside Kensington Palace revealing this private conversation? Even smaller.
The Globe claims that serial killer Ted Bundy's daughter has been "found hiding in Britain" under an assumed name. No, it's not "Meghan Markle." And the woman their reporter approached said: "I'm sorry, I'm not the person you're looking for." Sounds like an admission of guilt if there ever was one.
"Scientology Leader's Missing Wife Found After 13 Years!" declares the Enquirer cover, though the headline above the inside spread is far less confident, asking: "Is This Shelly Miscavige?" It's definitely a photograph of a dark-haired woman, reportedly seen disembarking a Scientology cruise ship and heading to Florida, which as we all know is a state where Scientologists have been known to live. But is it cult leader David Miscavige's wife? The Enquirer hopes so — it's going to be one heck of a lawsuit if it's the wrong woman. And strictly speaking, Shelly Miscavige hasn't been missing for 13 years — she just hasn't been seen in public. When ex-Scientologist and Miscavige's former friend, actress Leah Remini, filed a missing persons report in 2013, Los Angeles police reported that they had seen and spoken with Shelly, and declared that fears of her abduction or imprisonment were "unfounded."
Julia Roberts and husband Danny Moder have "Run Away To Save Marriage," reports the grammatically-challenged Enquirer. Or maybe they just went to Rome on vacation?
Particularly obnoxious reporting from Us magazine relating how actor Orlando Bloom's marriage proposal "Saved Katy" Perry, who has "been so unlucky in love" but "is finally getting her happily ever after." Because Katy Perry couldn't possibly be a strong, independent woman, and must be incomplete until the hole in her heart is filled by a loving man. Right?
Former supermodel Christie Brinkley turns 65 and tells Us mag, "I've Never Felt More Beautiful." Or looked more airbrushed.
People magazine devotes its cover to its 1986 "Sexiest Man Alive," NCIS star Mark Harmon, talking about "Fame, Family & What I've Learned." He's learned not to reveal anything personal, evidently.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Ciara wore it best, that Lindsay Lohan hates truffles (what's wrong with truffles?) and has over 20,000 pairs of shoes (take that, Imelda!), that Nicole Scherzinger loves chocolate truffles (not quite the same as the fungal delicacy) and carries them along with Band-Aids and antiseptic cream in her Dior handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, walk their dogs, and compose text messages. And they all have strong opinions on truffles, one imagines.
Onwards and downwards . . .