Armaggedon and Queen Camilla’s kinky past in this week’s dubious tabloids

'National Enquirer'

"Nuclear Apocalypse Over Ukraine!" Screams the cover story. "World War III just weeks away! Why crazed Putin can't back down!"

The 'Enquirer' claims to have its hands on a "hush-hush CIA report" which warns that the "Ukraine crisis will spark nuclear war."

But one can only be skeptical of a so-called report in 'Enquirer' hands when the rag doesn't quote a single line from it. Not one.

Instead they quote retired US Army Major General Paul Vallely saying of Putin: "He has nuclear weapons, and he's willing to use them."

Which could equally be said of Joe Biden. After all, what's the point of having any weapon if you're not prepared to use it?

The 'Enquirer' helpfully lists "Russia's Atomic Missile Targets" in America, "State by State." Intriguingly, they are all military targets or nuclear power plants, with rare exceptions like The New York Stock Exchange and a couple of oil refineries.

Just when all seems lost, the 'Enquirer' includes a handy-dandy column: "How To Survive World War III." It's only five paragraphs long, but apparently that's all you'll need to emerge from "Armageddon."

Among its advice: buy gas masks and potassium iodine tablets, stock up on bottled water, canned food and flashlights, hide inside a building when the nuclear blast hits, preferably in a basement, and remain inside for up to 24 hours before emerging.

They make it sound like a walk in the park.

So, why can't Putin back down?

An alleged CIA analyst tells the 'Enquirer': "If he backs down, his reign as Russia's new czar is over." Is that how CIA analysts really talk?

Interesting to note that the 'Enquirer' opts for Roman numerals rather than Arabic in denoting "World War III." Perhaps they think that Roman numerals add an air of distinction, while Arabic numerals make it sound like just another bad movie sequel.

"Wrinkly Mick Faces Facts!"

Almost as shocking as the coming Armageddon, Mick Jagger is allegedly planning to have cosmetic surgery after years insisting he would never get nipped and tucked. It's the end of the world as we know it. I'll believe it when I see it.

"Harry's Dunce Cap!"

Prince Harry's always been a cucumber sandwich short of a Royal garden party picnic, but the 'Enquirer' claims he "has been ordered to hit the books by his ambitious wife, Meghan," so he can be a better partner when she is "running for president."

Apparently Meghan's ambition to live in the White House demands that Prince Harry "is up to speed on American history, politics and law."

Or perhaps he's just studying for his US citizenship exam?

"Angie's $100M Jungle Palace."

Angelina Jolie is reportedly building a "jungle oasis" in Cambodia to get "as far from Brad as possible!" Or maybe she's just building an international base for the Maddox Jolie-Pitt Foundation, which is headquartered in Cambodia?

'Globe'

The New York Times missed it. CNN missed it. The London Times missed it. But that bastion of investigative journalism the 'Globe,' with its vast financial resources and network of contacts deep within the granite walls of the Kremlin, scoops the world with its story of a failed assassination attempt on the Russian leader.

"Putin Survives Kremlin Poison Plot!" declares the cover story. "Orders mass executions of military & oligarchs!"

But Putin couldn't execute a bunch of oligarchs without people noticing. After all, they're exceedingly wealthy and powerful: that's what makes them oligarchs. Here's the list of oligarchs that the 'Globe' has identified as victims of Putin's wrath: . . . . no-one.

How did the alleged conspirators try to kill Putin?

"By coating a sleeve on his judo outfit with the nerve agent Novichok."

Right. That'll do it every time.

"Queen Camilla's Kinky Past Exposed!

Why don't they understand – she's not the Queen yet! And it's not her "kinky past" that's been exposed, but her distant ancestors – very distant ones, at that.

"Killer STD, torture, slavery & cheating are in the future queen's blue blood," claims the rag. The same could be said, of course, for Queen Elizabeth and every member of the British Royal Family.

"My Gunfight With a Kill-Crazy Moose!"

Is it really a gunfight if the moose is only armed with antlers, rather than with an AK-47?

"Keeping Up With The Obamas! Malia & Sasha poised to be reality TV stars."

No, they're not. An unnamed 'Globe' "tipster" says: "There's a growing belief Malia and Sasha are open to offers." So there's a faith-based thought about a future possibility for a show that doesn't exist and nobody has been signed to? If I still had a VCR I'd set it to "record."

'People'

Stanley Tucci dominates the cover, saying: "I'm Lucky to Be Alive."

Recovered from cancer, he's "more joyful than ever." As one might be.

"How the family man and actor-turned-Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy became the conscience of the world."

Strangely, he was too busy to sit down with 'People' mag for a heart-to-heart.

"The Queen Gets Ready to Party!"

Hide the booze and clear the table-tops. Elizabeth's celebrating 70 years on the throne.

'Us Weekly'

Jennifer Aniston is this week's cover girl, as the rag asks: "What's Wrong WIth Jen." (Apparently they can't afford a question mark for the end of that sentence. Times are tough. Supply chain issues probably to blame.) "Why She Wants to Disappear. Trapped & alone in a '$50 million prison.'"

The former 'Friends' star has allegedly been isolating herself during the epidemic – Shock! Horror! – and an unidentified insider reveals: "There are times Jen just wants to curl up and disappear from the hectic pace of Hollywood."

Oh, the humanity.

She's become a recluse, claims the rag. You know, the sort of recluse who "still welcomes friends over fairly regularly." Do they even read the words as they write them?

"Ben & J. Lo – Moving in Together!"

Could this story be a trifle premature, when it adds: "but first, they have to find the perfect spot"?

Elsewhere in the tabloids:

'OK!'

"Country Queens Tell All. The Truth About Those Rumours!"

Dolly Parton, Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood supposedly "tell all." As if any of them ever actually spoke to the magazine. And what rumours? Are they having a menage a trois? Have they banded together to assassinate Vladimir Putin? Nothing so interesting.

'Life & Style'

"Kate & Camilla Battle to Be Queen"

Why don't the tabloids understand that becoming Queen isn't like winning American Gladiator? It's not a fight to the death.

Britain already has a Queen. And when Elizabeth II dies, Camilla will become King Charles' Queen Consort, which is like a royal version of a Ford Corolla. And when Charles eventually goes to that great throne room in the sky, Prince William will become King and Kate his Queen, and Camilla, if she's still alive, will be probably locked up in the stables in the Royal mews.

"Lies & Backstabbing Plunge Palace Into Chaos! Camilla is sabotaging Kate's marriage."

They've been watching 'The Crown' too much.