'National Enquirer'
If Joe Biden ever decides to make a blatantly political abuse of his presidential powers of pardon, he might make this week's 'National Enquirer' cover story a reality.
Otherwise it's hard to imagine this will o' the wisp yarn becoming corporeal anywhere in the real world: "Maxwell Sells Out Trump! Epstein Madam dealing for pardon from Biden!"
According to this tabloid of record: "Imprisoned child sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has told authorities she's ready to squeal on party pal Donald Trump in a desperate bid to get out of jail before she dies."
Presumably because getting out of jail after she dies isn't optimal.
If Maxwell was going to plea bargain, it would have been before her conviction and sentencing to 20 years imprisonment, not afterwards when she is now relying on a rare presidential pardon or commuted sentence.
If Biden pardoned Maxwell just to nail Trump, he would be excoriated for making a purely political move that blatantly offers an incentive to Maxwell to potentially lie about the former president to win her freedom.
Apart from the fact that Maxwell is a convicted criminal whose word can hardly be trusted, how could she prove any allegation she levels against Trump?
The story isn't even supported by evidence that Maxwell has requested such a deal. The best the 'Enquirer' can come up with is a New York attorney who says: "after hearing her sentence, Ghislaine may have realized she has no other options but to sing."
Note the "may have" – because it's all wildly speculative.
"Pitt's Paralyzing Brian Disease!"
No, Brad Pitt isn't paralyzed, and nor does he suffer a brain disease.
The actor claimed to have a disorder that causes "face blindness," or difficulty recognising people's faces. It's not, as the 'Enquirer' claims, that Pitt "can't recognise friends & family," but that he can't always place faces.
Prosopagnosia, as it's known, can be congenital from birth or can be acquired from a head injury, stroke or certain neurodegenerative conditions, but it's rarely a "brain disease."
Of course, it could just be Pitt's lazy excuse for not remembering the names of studio executives to whom he's expected to genuflect.
"Charles & Camilla Lead Separate Lives."
This is what happens when Prince Charles's wife Camilla sits down to tell British Vogue that their lives are so hectic that "sometimes it's like ships passing in the night."
The 'Enquirer' claims that with this revelation Camilla has "blown the lid off their sham marriage".
Unsurprisingly, the 'Enquirer' fails to include the rest of Camilla's full quote, or any other part of her interview in which she explained that the royal couple are still close and loving.
"Sometime it's like ships passing in the night," she said, "but we always sit down together and have a cup of tea and discuss the day. It's lovely to catch up when we have a bit of time."
"Windsor Clan Is Royal Pain For Taxpayers!"
The Royal Family is reportedly demanding an additional $33 million to "keep the high-flying Windsor family afloat."
The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that the extra cash will be spread over the next two years, and that it's been necessitated by a 29 per cent rise in the cost of maintaining royal properties including Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and St James's Palace.
That is the equivalent of every person in the UK paying $1.54 toward the upkeep and feeding of the Royals. At least Prince Harry and Meghan paid the Royals $2.86 million for the refurbishment of their Frogmore Cottage home on the Queen's Windsor estate – yet they are the ones treated like freeloaders.
"Roswell Crash Aliens Put In Tiny Coffins!"
What else would they be put in – Ziplock bags?
The US military allegedly "called on a local undertaker to make child-sized coffins for aliens killed in the notorious UFO crash" claims the rag.
Undertaker Glen Dennis, who died seven years ago yet is somehow talking now, allegedly told a military police officer that after the mysterious crash in 1947 of an unidentified craft at Roswell, New Mexico, he was contacted and asked to supply small coffins. Dennis naturally assumed that the coffins must be for aliens, because why would the Pentagon want to bury small children? And what else would they do with dead aliens, except bury them. Scientists couldn't possibly want to keep the bodies for study, could they?
If you're an undertaker asked to make small coffins after a UFO sighting, you just know they're for alien corpses. That's just common sense.
'Globe'
It's celebrity marriage mayhem dominating this week's cover: "George & Julia's Secret Romance Revealed! Jealousy! Marriage troubles! Ultimatums!"
Clooney and Roberts, soon to be seen starring in their new rom-com 'Ticket to Paradise,' are having a "torrid romance" according to the 'Enquirer.'
Except that nothing in the story supports that claim.
It only reports that Clooney and Roberts "may have been too close for comfort" and "their continuing coziness and flirting have their spouses seething with jealousy and demanding they knock it off."
There's no actual claim of an affair. Only the allegation that their significant others – Amal Clooney and Danny Moder – would like them to stop flirting.
Right.
"Robot Crabs Eat Tumors!"
Are robot crabs what cyborgs get after a wild night out with AI sex workers?
No – they are nanobots created by engineers at Northwestern University that reportedly could one day be used to clear blocked arteries and attack tutors.
"Kris Jenner's Boozing Over Edge!" claims one headline. "Kris Likes Booze Better Than Sex!" rants another.
After the Kardashian's momager's eight years with boyfriend Corey Gamble, "their passion has cooled way down," claims an unidentified "insider," who adds: "These days she's all about money, family, food and booze."
That hardly suggests that her drinking is "over the edge," whatever that might mean.
'People'
Septuagenarian sensations are this week's cover boys: "Steve Martin & Martin Short – Our Incredible 36-Year Friendship!"
Yet with Martin aged 76 and Short aged 72, it's hardly remarkable that either of them might have decades-long friendships.
The veteran comics say: "Laughter keeps us young."
Only clichés in the building.
"Everything's Coming Up Daisy."
'Where The Crawdads Sing' star Daisy Edgar-Jones shows how to fill four pages without revealing a single thing about yourself.
"I was quite shy," she says of her childhood, "so acting was a chance to do things that me, myself, would be too shy to do."
Truly insightful.
'Us Weekly'
"Cameron Diaz" is this week's smiling cover girl, revealing her "Baby Joy At 50! She wants a boy after daughter by surrogate."
Not that she's said a word to the rag, of course.
This is the same story that was circulating in Hollywood back in March: having successfully had a child by surrogacy in 2019, Diaz allegedly wants a second.
But there's nothing new to suggest this story is any more accurate than past gossip.
"What A Prince!"
'Us Weekly' has unnamed "insiders reveal exclusive details about Prince George's secret world."
Among the secrets exposed:
• "He's very protective of Charlotte and Louis."
• For his 9th birthday party George will have "an outdoor music-festival-themed party" with a "dance floor, candy stations and a food truck".
• "The children will be starting a new school in the fall".
• "William and George are like two peas in a pod."
• George will have a tea party with the Queen at Windsor Castle for his birthday, "just the two of them." (not too be confused with George's music-fest-themed party the same day.)
• "If George and Charlotte make a mess, they clean up after themselves".
Revelatory.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly,' which now appears to have gone bi-monthly, to tell us that Ariana DuBose wore it best, that 'Misfits' actress Jamie Chung's favorite meal is "Korean hot pot," and that the stars are just like us: they walk barefoot on the beach, ride scooters, apply sunscreen, and launch the Blueberry Council's campaign to benefit No Kid Hungry. Just like everyone else with a blueberry sponsorship deal.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Star'
"Meghan's Bullying Report Bombshell – '"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows.' "
But that's only because nobody really know what's inside the report.
The rag nonetheless claims to have inside info about Meghan's Palace antics: "The shocking truth about tantrums, berating staffers, demanding royal jewels & secret payoffs!"
But those alkali sound a lot like ancient allegations we've heard before.
As if that's not enough, "William begs Queen to strip their royal titles." Of course he does.
'Life & Style'
Lindsay Lohan is this week's cover girl: "How She Turned Her Life Around."
The former wild child actress supposedly says: "Drugs and Fame Ruin Everything."
Newlywed, she's reportedly "Starting over in Dubai," which makes the magazine's later claim seem strange, when it reports that Lohan is making "Her Big Hollywood Comeback!"
In Dubai?
'In Touch'
It's another week of throwing everything into the blender and hoping that it's edible:
"Celeb Secrets From Vegas!"
This hodge-dodge includes singer Adele who allegedly "demands $50,000-a-night suite," country music star Keith Urban who is "not allowed to hang with band," Bruno Mars who allegedly "gambles away millions," and Britney Spears who "fired her entire team."
What happens in Vegas stays in the tabloids, apparently.
Onwards and downwards . . .
