Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale. He was one of my students last year at the Clarion West workshop and was a real gem -- a great writer and insightful critiquer with exemplary work-habits (Carlton's the hardest-working man in bizarro, if you ask me). He's just placed a story, "Candy Coated," with Vice Magazine -- it concerns the romantic ambitions of a shallow muscle-bound womanizer whose head is a giant lollipop, whose fate unravels when he has the bad judgement to attend a fancy cheese-tasting. Vice has also recorded an audio version of the story, read by "the girl who tells you which register to use at Whole Foods over the PA."
Knob Tyler thinks he’s the strongest, toughest, most badass motherfucker on Mill Avenue. Unfortunately, Knob has a lollipop for a head. This makes him not quite as badass as he thinks he is.
CANDY-COATED By Carlton Mellick III
While he’s strutting down the street with his white muscle shirt tossed over his sweat-drenched shoulder, Knob likes to flex his pectorals at the ladies. Whenever he says ladies, he pronounces it laydaaays. But for some reason the laydaaays are never impressed by the size of his pecs. They are too creeped out by his weird lollipop head to notice anything special about his muscles.
Knob’s lollipop head is the size of a bowling ball and light orange in color. The flavor of the lollipop is Tropical Sensation, which is a mixture of pineapple, mango, and star fruit. His tiny candy eyes, nose, and mouth are clustered together in the center of his large round face. His eyebrows are always curled downward to show how fucking serious he is about shit.
, Candy-Coated, read by the girl who tells you which register to use at Whole Foods over the PA
Fingers of Steel chronicles the hardcore world of finger skateboarding. Warning: some of the tricks are so gnarly you’ll wonder how fingerboarder Chris Heck escapes with fingers intact.
Day Dreamers Limited — the artist collective of Kelly Tunstall, Ferris Plock, and creative studio Form & Fiction — are making an animated series starring Donald Trump’s Hair as the protagonist! From Hair to the Throne: Whenever the President drifts off to dreamland or is too busy Tweeting to notice, The Hair gets to work: […]
The Nerdwriter presents a fascinating analysis of why Louis CK’s jokes are funny.
Looking to upgrade your weekend? Here are three randomly awesome products on my mind this week.#3 FRESHeBUDS Pro Magnetic Bluetooth EarbudsAs more and more phones and gadgets switch to Bluetooth-only compatibility, you’ll need to get Bluetooth headphones like the rest of us. I’ve been super impressed with these affordable magnetic headphones. Pull the magnetic earbuds apart to auto-connect […]
Traditional folding wallets are designed for paper bills—but these days, carrying cash is rarely a necessity. More often than not, I don’t carry cash at all. This Bogui Clik Wallet is the best answer I’ve found for avoiding the hassle of those tight-fitting credit card pockets.This attractive, minimalist wallet features a protective lip, so my cards don’t […]
Using my iPhone while it’s charging is always a hassle. With tucked-away outlets and the meager length of included lightning cables, comfortable scrolling while plugged in is annoying. These 10-Ft MFi-Certified Lightning Cables are super convenient and probably the best iPhone accessory purchase I’ve made.At over three times the length of normal cables, these reach anywhere you […]