Audioclips of Bill O'Reilly reading his bad porno novel

Thanks to Al Franken, we all know that Bill O'Reilly wrote a terrible pornographic novel in 1998. Now the Village Voice's head garage-sale nut has digitized a bunch of choice clips from the audiobook (read by O'Reilly), including "Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up," "Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds," and "Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue."


"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly Seduces You in Clips From His Dirty Audiobook (Thanks, Bill!)


  1. Oh, this is just too rich. I now have a loop running in my head of Papa Bear saying “Off with those PANTS” and it’s making me laaaaugh!

  2. (hwaalpp!) sorry…sorry… it just someone said “porno” and “o’rielly” in the same sentence.. BWAAAAAAHH!…oh gawds, please kill me now…..

  3. I’m hoping that someone gets a hold of one of the gay furry bondage snuff pron videos that Glen Beck produced.

  4. You mean they didn’t revoke his GOP membership card for doing this? How did I not hear about this before? And boy am I glad I didn’t!

  5. Most disturbing thing ever posted on BoingBoing. Hands down. (obligatory “NOT a wonderful thing” comment, etc.)

  6. “Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue.”

    I think Bill heard someone else talking about it and looked it up in an undergraduate Reproductive Biology text from 1976.

  7. This amuses me.

    If Colbert doesn’t make use of at least one of these clips this week, I’m going to be very disappointed.

  8. Most disturbing thing ever posted on BoingBoing.

    You new here?

    Can someone get Lauren O a unicorn?

  9. Lest BoingBoing be accused of the same hasty descriptions as right-wing worrywarts, is it really correct to call this a “pornographic novel”? It’s really a dumb thriller with badly written sex scenes.

    On the other hand, please oh please remix this.

  10. I don’t even have the nerve to click on the link.

    I’m afraid my ears would hemmorrhage, and it’s late here — and I’m not in the mood to spend the night in the emergency room. Especially if I have to explain why my ears are bleeding.

  11. This is fantastic.

    The best part is that it’s so obviously Bill O’Reilly reading this. There’s no way anyone could mistake him for someone else, because he’s reading it in his newscaster voice. It’s exactly the tone and cadence you’ll hear any TV anchor use when they’re reading a quote aloud.

    The only thing missing was child prostitutes sexually gratifying caged bears and frontier-era lesbians, but not wingnut-slash-novelist can be a Scooter Libby or a Lynne Cheney.

  12. Wasn’t there some audio recording of BO talking dirty on the phone floating around a couple years back?

  13. As soon as I had read “Thanks to Al Franken, we all know that Bill O’Reilly wrote a terrible pornographic novel…” I spilled soda into my lap!

  14. Music criticism:

    Bill O’Reilly apparently considers the experimental and discordant works of Hootie and the Blowfish to be challenging.

  15. I didn’t want to subject myself to BO’s grating voice, so I just watched the kid’s Snowy Owl PowerPoint. Adorable dropped Rs and original kid art beat dirty O’Reilly any day.

  16. #21:
    >There’s no way anyone could mistake him for someone else, because he’s reading it in his newscaster voice. It’s exactly the tone and cadence you’ll hear any TV anchor use when they’re reading a quote aloud.

    Yep — that’s what I thought the last time some these clips made the rounds. It’s the kind of tone I can ignore and completely tune out on a conscious level for most of the 10 o’clock news (if I’m not informed of the subject matter ahead of time), which isn’t necessarily better than being aware of it, since it’d go straight into your subconscious. (You’d have Bill O’Reilly haunting your dreams.)

  17. I hate to say it, but if those covers are real, O’Reilly’s came first as it was published in 1998. Gibson’s book came out last year. So that would mean the whoever chose the photo for Gibson’s book, chose the same photo used a decade before by whoever chose the cover for O’Reilly’s book.
    But that’s definitely the same photo. Must be in a stock photo in the publisher’s archive or something. wonder how many other covers that picture’s graced.

  18. For the poor man’s remix of these clips, just click play on all the individual clips on the linked page at once–it’s like a dozen O’Reilly’s whispering sick nothings in your ear.

  19. Gawd o_O

    It’s like really bad, cheesy fan-fiction… about himself!!

    I don’t know whether to laugh or rock myself… I need more Guinness.

  20. Snowy Owl ftw! Much more interesting than an idiot trying to sound good reading his godawful writing.

  21. Oh wow, I doubled down on that one, and it’s even better. Open it in two tabs a half second apart. Perfection.

  22. I’m with Lauren O. 2 Girls 1 Cup didn’t faze me, but this stilted vanilla inexperienced imagining of what a Penthouse Forum letter would sound like creeps me the fuck out!

    Then again, I have no real penchant for erotic writing or phone sex either.

    I concur with Don Draper, “I said, ‘Stop talking!’” (S02E06 – “Maidenform”)

  23. Clips #2 and #3 appear to have been taken from a breast self-exam guide published by a substandard HMO.

    Clip #5. Having failed to achieve more than nominal orgasms with this strangely detached man, Ashley would later rate the encounter a 4.2 on the Ottawa Decision Regret Scale.

    Clip #7. Such as taking on the form of a perfect sphere, demonstrating proton decay, or adopting a silicon based biochemistry.

  24. Theminx, that’s a fascinating find. I wonder if Gibson is aware of that. That seems to plagiarism at minimum.

  25. Too bad there’s not a unicorn for the ears.

    please, i need a unicorn chaser for my ears!

    That settles it: We need unicorn ear drops!

  26. Boing Boing owes me. Really they do. It’s the first evah unicorn audio chaser! May all of your ears recover in delight!

  27. Joshuaz, read Gibson’s latest post. Gibson would have no claim of plagiarism as the photo was used first by the publisher of O’Reilly’s book in 1998. Gibson’s book publisher in the UK used the same photo in 2008. As Gibson said:
    “it’s about the publishing practice of obtaining the right to use a stock photograph. And has nothing to do with falafels.”

  28. “You mean they didn’t revoke his GOP membership card for doing this?”

    You kidding? They’re all doing it, and not a one of them seems to know anything about healthy sexual relationships.

  29. Everything else this guy has uttered is far more obscene. We need a mashup with different clips of his patented “SHUT UP!” in between each, please.

  30. can we get a mashup of some quotes from obama’s audio books and quotes from BOR’s audio book? i think there’s some gold in those hills!!

  31. Hey honey, thanks to Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly I finally figured out how to pleasure you orally, so “off with those pants!” I call it “neo-con-ilingus”: the satisfaction comes when you finally know it’s over.

  32. Shudder…I would say I need to wash that off, but I think Bill O’Reilly has ruined showers for me!

    Electro, thank you for the chaser…that is disctotastic!

  33. It’s interesting to see the childish delight at the expense of another human being. That reveals a lot about the authors of the comments above this one… and surely ones to follow that will no doubt be at my expense.

    It amazes me that liberals just love to make fun of those that have differing opinions. Meanwhile, those with opposing opinions to yours usually just sit and watch you make a fool of yourselves. You’d be amazed at how many DON’T think like you do.

    Go ahead, keep us entertained with your trash talk…

  34. Yeah, Radiotube, everyone knows conservatives are polite listeners who patiently suffer the crazed bleating of hysterical liberals, to a man.

    Especially on Fox, and especially Bill O’Reilly.

    Get out of my studio before I tear you to fucking pieces.

  35. OK, I had some fun here; I’ve taken approximately 22,000 copies of “Off with Those Pants,” stretched them, chopped them, sped them up or slowed them down, reversed some & fed others through a ring modulator or a plate reverb emulator, and then mixed them together:

    The Dirty Canon (“Off with Those Pants”)

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