Audioclips of Bill O'Reilly reading his bad porno novel

Thanks to Al Franken, we all know that Bill O'Reilly wrote a terrible pornographic novel in 1998. Now the Village Voice's head garage-sale nut has digitized a bunch of choice clips from the audiobook (read by O'Reilly), including "Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up," "Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds," and "Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue."

As William Gibson sez, "PLEASE! THE MASHUP!! SOMEBODY DO THE MASHUP!! "

"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly Seduces You in Clips From His Dirty Audiobook (Thanks, Bill!)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

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Phikus

Everything else this guy has uttered is far more obscene. We need a mashup with different clips of his patented “SHUT UP!” in between each, please.
MomentEye

Damn; rolled off the front before I could finish.
Here it is anyway:

Bill Gets My Pipe Up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eT3zBk9Cg4
eclectro

Too bad there’s not a unicorn for the ears.
JoshuaZ

Theminx, that’s a fascinating find. I wonder if Gibson is aware of that. That seems to plagiarism at minimum.
maoinhibitor

“Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue.”

I think Bill heard someone else talking about it and looked it up in an undergraduate Reproductive Biology text from 1976.
merreborn

This amuses me.

If Colbert doesn’t make use of at least one of these clips this week, I’m going to be very disappointed.
glace neuf

can we get a mashup of some quotes from obama’s audio books and quotes from BOR’s audio book? i think there’s some gold in those hills!!
JoshuaZ

Igpajo, ah well. So I’Reilly isn’t as completely horrible as one might think.
dole

Could we get Ann Coulter to narrate this?
Sekino

Too bad there’s not a unicorn for the ears.

please, i need a unicorn chaser for my ears!

That settles it: We need unicorn ear drops!
mdh

Most disturbing thing ever posted on BoingBoing.

You new here?

Can someone get Lauren O a unicorn?
mercurytransit

“Obviously he preferred oral-sex to oral-hygiene”

Surely this is a truism.
Takuan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkOc1_hzXMc
tedmills

Lest BoingBoing be accused of the same hasty descriptions as right-wing worrywarts, is it really correct to call this a “pornographic novel”? It’s really a dumb thriller with badly written sex scenes.

On the other hand, please oh please remix this.
theminx

JoshuaZ, not my find, credit fuldog http://tinyurl.com/clwwdc .

It’s just a pity that anyone might mistake either book for the other.
sswaan

Shudder…I would say I need to wash that off, but I think Bill O’Reilly has ruined showers for me!

Electro, thank you for the chaser…that is disctotastic!
RexallWodehouse

I don’t even have the nerve to click on the link.

I’m afraid my ears would hemmorrhage, and it’s late here — and I’m not in the mood to spend the night in the emergency room. Especially if I have to explain why my ears are bleeding.
semiotix

This is fantastic.

The best part is that it’s so obviously Bill O’Reilly reading this. There’s no way anyone could mistake him for someone else, because he’s reading it in his newscaster voice. It’s exactly the tone and cadence you’ll hear any TV anchor use when they’re reading a quote aloud.

The only thing missing was child prostitutes sexually gratifying caged bears and frontier-era lesbians, but not wingnut-slash-novelist can be a Scooter Libby or a Lynne Cheney.
Brainspore

Wasn’t there some audio recording of BO talking dirty on the phone floating around a couple years back?
minamisan

fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
eclectro

Boing Boing owes me. Really they do. It’s the first evah unicorn audio chaser! May all of your ears recover in delight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1UWSD-FaA
igpajo

Joshuaz, read Gibson’s latest post. Gibson would have no claim of plagiarism as the photo was used first by the publisher of O’Reilly’s book in 1998. Gibson’s book publisher in the UK used the same photo in 2008. As Gibson said:
“it’s about the publishing practice of obtaining the right to use a stock photograph. And has nothing to do with falafels.”
mdh

Wasn’t there some audio recording of BO talking dirty on the phone floating around a couple years back?

I’m not making this up,

He was talking dirty –
Chris Tucker

“ #13 posted by eclectro , March 17, 2009 2:54 PM

Too bad there’s not a unicorn for the ears.
”

But there IS!

First grade student narrating his PowerPoint presentation on the Snowy Owl.
fnc

Time for a new soundboard.
lightbender

Hi /b/!

Oh wait, this isn’t 4chan… though it seems to be getting close.
scottbateman

Animated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JA6ia9GfK0
citykids

As soon as I had read “Thanks to Al Franken, we all know that Bill O’Reilly wrote a terrible pornographic novel…” I spilled soda into my lap!
malex

Music criticism:

Bill O’Reilly apparently considers the experimental and discordant works of Hootie and the Blowfish to be challenging.
General Specific

I didn’t want to subject myself to BO’s grating voice, so I just watched the kid’s Snowy Owl PowerPoint. Adorable dropped Rs and original kid art beat dirty O’Reilly any day.
Chuck

#21:
>There’s no way anyone could mistake him for someone else, because he’s reading it in his newscaster voice. It’s exactly the tone and cadence you’ll hear any TV anchor use when they’re reading a quote aloud.

Yep — that’s what I thought the last time some these clips made the rounds. It’s the kind of tone I can ignore and completely tune out on a conscious level for most of the 10 o’clock news (if I’m not informed of the subject matter ahead of time), which isn’t necessarily better than being aware of it, since it’d go straight into your subconscious. (You’d have Bill O’Reilly haunting your dreams.)
theminx

Nice book cover, Bill-O. I think it’s even the same photograph Wm Gibson used on Spook Country UK edition, not just a look-alike. http://tinyurl.com/djn28p

WEAK.
Takuan

hah!
http://thinkprogress.org/2009/03/27/ups-oreilly/
Andrew W

“You mean they didn’t revoke his GOP membership card for doing this?”

You kidding? They’re all doing it, and not a one of them seems to know anything about healthy sexual relationships.
Cowicide

Bill O’Reilly – Cunnilingus Warrior
ill lich

Hey honey, thanks to Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly I finally figured out how to pleasure you orally, so “off with those pants!” I call it “neo-con-ilingus”: the satisfaction comes when you finally know it’s over.
lumpi

Holy crap, I did NOT know. Bwahahahhaha!
igpajo

I hate to say it, but if those covers are real, O’Reilly’s came first as it was published in 1998. Gibson’s book came out last year. So that would mean the whoever chose the photo for Gibson’s book, chose the same photo used a decade before by whoever chose the cover for O’Reilly’s book.
But that’s definitely the same photo. Must be in a stock photo in the publisher’s archive or something. wonder how many other covers that picture’s graced.
Torley

Let’s get Revolucian to do a remix. Please.
humanpower

For the poor man’s remix of these clips, just click play on all the individual clips on the linked page at once–it’s like a dozen O’Reilly’s whispering sick nothings in your ear.
teufelsdroch

plz the snowy owl as an official audio unicorn chaser!
rDr4g0n

As hilarious and golden as this is, it doesn’t seem like the book is porno novel at all :(
Sekino

Gawd o_O

It’s like really bad, cheesy fan-fiction… about himself!!

I don’t know whether to laugh or rock myself… I need more Guinness.
andyhavens

This may be the cure for porn.
ROSSINDETROIT

Oh, this is just too rich. I now have a loop running in my head of Papa Bear saying “Off with those PANTS” and it’s making me laaaaugh!
Takuan

(hwaalpp!) sorry…sorry… it just someone said “porno” and “o’rielly” in the same sentence.. BWAAAAAAHH!…oh gawds, please kill me now…..
Takuan

..gasp…the blotches….the blotches!…
Johnny Cat

Snowy Owl ftw! Much more interesting than an idiot trying to sound good reading his godawful writing.
Mazoola

Must… resist… creating… “Off with those PANTS!”… ringtone…
dbarak

It’s an autobiography, right?
artbot

Careful, folks, you can’t “unhear” something.
arkizzle

M A S H U P !

Here’s a pretty strange mashup; credit (blame?) Takuan for the video.. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwjmizhDTGM
Freddie Freelance

OK, I had some fun here; I’ve taken approximately 22,000 copies of “Off with Those Pants,” stretched them, chopped them, sped them up or slowed them down, reversed some & fed others through a ring modulator or a plate reverb emulator, and then mixed them together:

The Dirty Canon (“Off with Those Pants”)
IWood

Do it live! Fuck it! Fuuuuck it!

And so on.
eclectro

Now you know what the antidote for viagra is.
inkfumes

Holy Schneikies!
Johnny Cat

A million Thanks, Arkizzle. That was perfect!
Johnny Cat

Oh wow, I doubled down on that one, and it’s even better. Open it in two tabs a half second apart. Perfection.
Radiotube

It’s interesting to see the childish delight at the expense of another human being. That reveals a lot about the authors of the comments above this one… and surely ones to follow that will no doubt be at my expense.

It amazes me that liberals just love to make fun of those that have differing opinions. Meanwhile, those with opposing opinions to yours usually just sit and watch you make a fool of yourselves. You’d be amazed at how many DON’T think like you do.

Go ahead, keep us entertained with your trash talk…
:-)
zuzu

I’m with Lauren O. 2 Girls 1 Cup didn’t faze me, but this stilted vanilla inexperienced imagining of what a Penthouse Forum letter would sound like creeps me the fuck out!

Then again, I have no real penchant for erotic writing or phone sex either.

I concur with Don Draper, “I said, ‘Stop talking!’” (S02E06 – “Maidenform”)
dbarak

His follow-up novel to be titled “Two NeoCon Girls, One Cup.”
maoinhibitor

Clips #2 and #3 appear to have been taken from a breast self-exam guide published by a substandard HMO.

Clip #5. Having failed to achieve more than nominal orgasms with this strangely detached man, Ashley would later rate the encounter a 4.2 on the Ottawa Decision Regret Scale.

Clip #7. Such as taking on the form of a perfect sphere, demonstrating proton decay, or adopting a silicon based biochemistry.
Stefan Jones

I’m hoping that someone gets a hold of one of the gay furry bondage snuff pron videos that Glen Beck produced.
bardfinn

You must hate us. D:
robulus

Yeah, Radiotube, everyone knows conservatives are polite listeners who patiently suffer the crazed bleating of hysterical liberals, to a man.

Especially on Fox, and especially Bill O’Reilly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_IBGuDYOtg

Get out of my studio before I tear you to fucking pieces.
KevinC

OMG!!
Someone just put sh*t in my pants!!

-KevinC
mdh

Loo Fah!
Loo Fah!
Loo Fah!
Loo Fah!
cinemajay

You mean they didn’t revoke his GOP membership card for doing this? How did I not hear about this before? And boy am I glad I didn’t!
josh42042

please, i need a unicorn chaser for my ears!
Lauren O

Most disturbing thing ever posted on BoingBoing. Hands down. (obligatory “NOT a wonderful thing” comment, etc.)