Hobbit advance payment fraud letter

Stephen sez, "In re-reading the Hobbit, I realized that the opening chapters made it sound like Thorin was running a con. From there, I wondered what Thorin's pitch would look like if it were a modern con, which resulted in me writing a Nigerian 419 fraud letter for the Hobbit."

Dear MR BAGGINS, Fellow Conspirator,

I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the Old and grandson of Thror who was King under the Mountain. I am writing you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices for rescuing our treasure from the dragon Smaug.

During the reign of Thror our kingdom was a prosperous one. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skillful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days.

Hobbit 419

• [futureboy]

  @5, I agree. This is awesome, but it is way to grammatically correct to be a TRUE 419. I lol’d though.
  @2, I lol’d again.

• [JoshuaZ]

  That’s brilliant. Simply amazing. Are we then going to get similar letters about recovering the Silmarils?

• [ab3a]

  Damn it! Now I’ll never be able to read that book with a straight face.

• [Keir]

  #2 AngusM love it, the news link is a great touch!

• [angusm]

  Dear Friend

  You are probably surprised at hearing from me. I am Frodo Baggins, a hobbit of the Shire, adoptive son of Bilbo Baggins, a celebrated TRAVELER and ADVENTURER.

  Among the many valuable objects bequeathed to me by Mr Baggins on the occasional of his departure is a MAGICAL RING, having the property of making its wearer invisible. Research conducted by my associate, Gandalf the Grey, has disclosed that this ring was previously the property of one Sauron of Mordor, a DARK LORD, and that the ring had been taken from him and subsequently LOST by Isildur of Gondor. Please see this news item at http://news.bbc.co.uk/… concerning the MUTILATION of Mr Sauron and subsequent DEATH of Mr Isildur.

  I need your assistance in exporting this RING from the Shire and delivering it to the Cracks of Doom, Mordor. In exchange for your kindly cooperation in this matter, I will be pleased to pay you a FEE amounting to 10% of my uncle’s wealth, currently valued at 1,000,000 (ONE MILLION) Gondorian gold coins.

  I must impress on you the need to treat this matter in the strictest CONFIDENCE, as any disclosure could result in unwanted attention from the UNDEAD SERVANTS of Sauron known as ringwraiths.

  I remain, yours etc.

  F. Baggins, Bag End, Hobbiton, The Shire.

• [cinemajay]

  Bilbo totally should have called a lawyer.

  /hilarious, btw.

• [Kevin Carson]

  I’m surprised there aren’t more email scam letters from Stuart pretenders: “Bonnie Prince Wally, the King Across I-95 From Brant’s Buick Dealership.”

• [ihakes]

  Only problem: not nearly enough spelling errorrs.

• [nanuq]

  Thorin and his cronies were even worse than email scam artists. They came to Bilbo’s house and ate all his food before making their sales pitch.

• [kc0bbq]

  Thorin,

  Somehow I got copied on this email. Can I get in on this, too? I have some friends who would be interested as well.

  Bard